Doin the Math…

Posted: February 22, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Just to be clear, bartending is a job where you deal with money. Every day. All day long.

If your bartender puts your tab in front of you, the appropriate response is a concise and simple…thank you.

The following is a myriad of things that should not come out of your mouth…

“I don’t think you charged me enough.” Listen dumbass, if I found it in my good graces to buy you a fucking drink, don’t make me regret my decision. If you do, I will not be very likely to do it again I assure you.

“There is no way I’ve had seventeen Coors Lights.” Again, math, my strong suit, you not so much. Hey dumbass, you have been here since noon and it’s nine forty five. Those watered down beers have been jumping down your throat like they were goldfish and you were a frat boy, so shut it. And, if after the nine plus hours of drinking you feel that you have a better count on your wife’s white zinfandels than I do…I’m gonna have to beg to differ.

Incidentally this is a real person who was usually so drunk he couldn’t read his tab. At this point, he asks you to fill out his credit card slip for him. He, of course, assures my partner and myself that although he would like us to put a zero in the tip area, he will be leaving quite a bit of cash. Well, any bartender worth their salt realizes that any person who announces their intent to leave you a fat wad of cash…yeah, not gonna happen.

I must say however, what I did not expect was for him to pretend to “organize” his friends pile of one’s and five’s, transforming it from a twenty dollar tip right down to a ten dollar tip. Seriously, first you are going to give me shit about your tab, then not only are you going to completely stiff me on a hundred dollar tab, but you are going to steal half my tip left by the lovely (I have no idea why they are friends with you) couple that you were sitting with? Seriously, who does that? There is a word for you my friend…that word is douchebag. In fact, the only thing that constantly keeps me from stabbing people like this in the throat with a pencil is that I am convinced that there is a special place in hell for folks like him.

So, rest assured people, we know exactly how much you have had to drink. If your tab is a few drinks shy of what you owe, consider it a gift and tip accordingly. If there are a couple more than what you thought you had…suck it up princess, you have either had too many and can’t count to save your life or you have acted like a complete douchebag during your stay at our fine establishment and I have had the foresight to charge you in advance for the two beers I will be drinking after my shift…and let me tell ya buddy…I earned those fuckers.

  1. Kelly King says:

    I would like to add if you are a group of friends and you have one friend who always wants to do the money but won’t let anyone else touch the bill……SOMETHING IS WRONG. I actually had a group of friends who had a bill of 159.15 they made a group decision to pay 40 dollars each as they had shared apps and had equal beverages. The last person to pay held the bill and everyone’s money till the bitter end. It was very suspect and sure enough the check they wrote was for .85 that’s right they screwed me and worse yet screwed their friends as well. So if you have a shady friend don’t go out with them or if you do don’t let them handle the finances!

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