What’s The Cheapest Thing You Have? Apparently It’s You, My Friend

Posted: February 23, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

…apparently it’s you. Okay listen dumbass, this is a question that no bartender EVER wants to hear. If you cannot afford to have your drink of choice then you should just fucking stay home.

This also holds true for any television and choice of programming. If you want to be in charge of your environment which includes what’s on the tube, then keep your happy ass home. Now, as far as cheap behavior goes, I must say that this is one of my personal pet peeves. There are many different cheap assed behavior characteristics, so I’m just going to highlight the top of the heap.

1. Buying a round–Listen dumbass, when you go out with a group of grown ups, it’s customary for each drinking participant to buy a round. You gauge the drinking habits of the table and buy accordingly. You DO NOT wait five seconds after someone else buys a round, pound your beer like a frat boy and then offer to buy a round because you know half of the people will politely decline. And why will they decline? Because they’re not cheap asses, like you. Again I have to state that I have been around the block a time or two. And usually things even out by the end of the night. However, cheap people still turn me off like a third eye or a really tiny penis. It’s just not right, no matter how you look at it.

2. Asking the price of every fucking thing we have on the menu–You know what, I take that back because we don’t even have a drink menu. (They don’t call me divebardiva for nothin.) Stop asking what every shot you’ve had since high school costs…it’s unattractive and makes you look indecisive and weak. And nobody likes those traits in another person. You can take that shit to the bank!

3. Telling me that you could have bought a six pack for the price of two beers–Listen cheap ass, certain things come with drinking in a bar: Companionship, chit chat, someone to bring you beers and a general sense of belonging…not to mention good food, music and television. While it is quite true that you could have bought a six pack with the 6 or 7 bucks you’ve just spent, you would be drinking them alone, eating spaghetti-o’s out of the can and watchin reruns of The Golden Girls…and you’d be gettin off your ass to get your own beers. So, quit your cryin my friend and weigh your options. Those beers aren’t looking so pricy now are they?

4. And last but not least…arguing that one of the beers on your tab should have been at happy hour price–The only thing I can think to say about this one is simply this…here’s your fucking $1.25 for that one tap beer that you insist was on happy hour even though my shift doesn’t start until happy hour ends. But really, let me just give this to you right out of my tip jar with this caveat…I will NEVER run a tab for you again you cheap fucking douche.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s