DJ Douchetales…

Posted: March 4, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings, Viva La Douche

Thank you to DJ Sexxx Jellay for this very informative post…

Being a DJ, we often get to see the ups and downs of the different bars here in our little slice of “Heaven”, and while most nights that we play it ends up being a good time, there are a few things that the patrons should keep in mind:

1. If it’s “Ladies Night” and you see the dance area full of chicks having a great time, don’t be the 50+ year-old douche-bag that needs to kill the crowd by hearing Pink Floyd or Bob Segar. It’s not the right time. We play the old stoner music earlier in the night, right after Lawrence Welk and right before your bedtime.

2. Don’t hang at the corner of our booth asking what the next song is going to be so you can determine if it’s something that you like. We don’t care, it’s already next and there’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t sit there and bitch about it! If you don’t like what we put out, even though there are a ton of people partying to it, bide your time, we’ll most likely get something on that’s in your wheelhouse before long. If you still don’t like what we got pumpin’ out, I might suggest bringing in your ipod with headphones and sit in the corner and be a crabby bitch away from us.

3. Don’t ever, and I mean EVER, demand that I play a particular song next! Don’t tell me that you need it to close a deal with the drunk chick that, on any other day, wouldn’t piss on you to put out the flames if you were on fire. If you aren’t able to get the deal done without “that” song, then you were never getting laid by her. Listen, we provide the tools, you need to finish the work. It’s always the bad artist that blames the paintbrush. Don’t call me a cockblock, you pathetic fuck!

4. For the love of God, don’t come up to us and say, “if you play such and such by such and such band, the whole floor will be packed” bullshit. I guarantee you that the only people up there will be you and that one dude that still lives in his mom’s basement. Strike that, he never showed up because he just downloaded a new map for Black Ops, and even he realizes that there is no way in hell he is going to make himself more of a social pariah than you are already displaying. Bottom line; choose wisely what you tell us, because we can single you out.

5. If you suck at singing, or if you are overly drunk, don’t ask us to use the mike to sing an already shitty song. DJ B.O.B. and I cannot hold a tune and we know it. Keep your “American Idol” audition for a true karaoke night, where the dude gets paid to have to pretend he likes hearing you sound like a bunch of back alley cats in heat. You suck at singing! I know it! The Anti-Christ bartender knows it! Hell, the dead artist that you are trying to cover is spinning so fucking hard in his/her grave that that the Earth’s gravitational field just shifted, you suck so bad! So please, pretty please don’t sing. Think of the children! Hell, I might even ignore point #3 if it keeps you from singing.

6. Like the bartenders, we try to get to as many of you as possible and try to keep as many people happy for as long as we can, with the understanding that we will never be able to make all the people happy all of the time. Please don’t try to ruffle our feathers, it’s no fun for anyone that way! We do want you to enjoy your night and have a good time. Take care of your waitstaff and bartenders. Remember; if Mama ain’t happy, no one is!


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  1. Vodka Toxic says:

    I’ve never met DJ SEXXX JELLAY but I want to! This post is awesome, and I laughed out loud at Point #1. Thanks for your contribution, and keep ’em coming! You have a VIP pass to Bar Trash.

    Now can you play a little Sir Mix-A-Lot for me?

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