So You’re 21… Time to Pass the Bar Exam

Posted: March 10, 2011 by divebardiva in Common Sense ... Not So Common, Daily Ramblings

Okay kids, we’ve waited and waited for this magical day to arrive…the day you turn 21. For most of us older folks, it was merely the day where we threw away our fake ID and were finally able to use our real driver’s license — even though we never got carded because every bartender already knew us.

Somehow through the years, kids have found that huffing household cleaners seemed like a capital idea but finding someone to make a decent fake ID didn’t rank all that high on the list. What’s wrong with kids today?!

This, my friends, is a tragedy on so many levels. First of all, we now have kids who have no idea of how to behave in a grown-up bar environment. Little ill mannered shits who bear down on us professional drinkers like fucking locusts. Second, waiting on these newbies is problematic because of something I like to call the “Snap Factor”.

Now “Snap Factor” is something akin to Fear Factor. You know…that show where you have to eat goat balls and lay in a box full of rats while they crawl dangerously close to your junk for a predetermined period of time? Well, to me “Snap Factor” is much the same thing but instead of eating goat testicles, I have to listen to you ask the most idiotic questions and do my level best not to snap, and:

A. Flip the fuck out on your annoying ass.

B. Cut you off before you even begin drinking.

C. Judo chop your dumb ass right in the throat.

This may sound harsh to some people, so I will just proffer a few examples and you can judge for yourself.

Example #1

21: “What can I get for $10?”

Me: “What do you want?”

21: “Two Jag Bombs.”

Me: “That’s $11.”

21: “Can’t you just give them to me for $10? It’s all my dad gave me?”

Okay, I don’t really feel that I should have to justify myself after this little bit of loveliness, but for those of you who are not in the biz, I will.

Listen kid, I am here to facilitate your good time, not to pay for it. Clearly, this is where your dad comes in handy.

If you want to get on my good side (which, if you weren’t such a tool, you would realize is the best place to be), you would ask what you can get for $8 because you only have $10 and want to leave a tip. That may have even got you those Jag Bombs, ya ass clown.

And P.S. — Get a freaking job and stop asking your old man for drink money. It’s pathetic…and if you insist on doing so…for god’s sake don’t tell anyone.

Example Deux

21: “What’s the strongest shot you have?”

Me: “151”

21: “Oh, I can’t drink that. What’s the next strongest?”

Me: “Wild Turkey 101.”

21: “No, I don’t want that either. What else?”

Me: “Why don’t you think about what you want, and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Listen dumbass, don’t ask me what the strongest thing I have if your vagina hurts, and you won’t be drinking what I have to offer. Stick with your Scooby Snack…which, although it has very little alcohol and is a pain in the ass to make, has been doin just fine for you and your dumbass “posse” all night long.

In fact, I won’t even venture to give you the strong stuff due to the fact that after your copious amounts of cream- and schnapps-based shots, you may be tempted to toss your cream-based cookies all over my bar when some grown-up alcohol hits that mix.

And last but not least, one of my personal favorites…

Example Trois

21: “Can I get a Fucking Awesome?”

Me: “Yep, but they’re $7 and have 6 liquors and 2 juices, so make sure you know how many you want.”

21: “Okay I’ll take 1.”

Me: “Really, 1? Are you sure you only want 1? Why don’t you ask your friends?”

As this is NOT my first rodeo, I know the deal with this, and no one…I mean no one…EVER orders just one. The newbie asks around and sure enough, 3 more people jump on the Awesome bandwagon. I know this is going to happen because everyone thinks it’s cool to order a drink with that much booze in it AND “Fuck” in the title.

21: “Uh yeah, I guess we need 4.”

Me: “Okay, 4 it is.”

As I come over to drop off the drinks, one of the sheep that had strayed from the herd has now returned and decided that she too would like a Fucking Awesome and starts demanding one more shot.

Now I must say at this point in my rant, that these stories of 21-year-old angst and inexperience could occur at any bar in the US. However, these particular examples ARE ALL THE SAME KID! I have told them in order to make a point. That point is illustrated in what happened next.

*** But first — exceptions to the 21 rule: My nephew and a select few of his friends or anyone who worked in the biz leading up to their 21st… i.e., Jackie J, Kasie and Dani.)***

21: (Looking at me and knowing the likelihood of a “Snap Factor” incident is high.) “Hey you know what, it’s a big shot. I’ll just give her half of mine…we’re cool.”

Me: (Smiling) “I got this, my little grasshopper.”

And while he watched me pour a little from every shot to make one more, all the while wondering why the hell I was calling him grasshopper, I realized something…

As dumb as they start out, it’s our job to make sure they don’t stay that way.

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  1. Jon says:

    Best post yet! Who knew that bartenders are responsible for transforming our youth into mature and functional contributors to society! You probably play a greater role than many educators! (And that’s not a knock on teachers; it’s a kudo to bartenders!)

  2. divebardiva says:

    Why thank you dear Jon…just doin my part to shape the fragile minds of todays impressionable youth 🙂

    • Jeffrey says:

      I’m 41 and I try the best I can to follow the rules. But hey The Diverbardiva knows me well enough just to slap me in the face and give me a water. Love ya Kiss

  3. Vodka Toxic says:

    Great post! Love it! But pleeeeeze, can I get a recipe for a Fucking Awesome? Why have I not heard of this? Is it better than a zipp-ah?

  4. and i will ALWAYS believe that i had an instrumental role in getting you started in the role you play today.

    great blog second to the youngest one.

    love you

  5. 5 dog fabulous says:

    Love this post dive bar diva (I must note calling you DBD is not going to work for me since I think Douche Bag Deluxe). This is your mission, educate those fragile new drinkers and help them strive towards drinking in a hard drinking old man bar!

  6. Stacy Grant (Mutchler) says:

    Well my sweet Katie girl… I finally joined your cause… I would like for you to point out this 21 year old next time I’m in so I can give him shakin baby syndrome. Muah

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