Bitter and Condescending…Your Table Is Ready

Posted: March 12, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay bar folk, this is the deal…as my extremely funny sister mentioned in a previous post, when you work in a bar or restaurant people seem downright possessed to see you as something other than what you are.

It isn’t enough that you work your ass off physically and mentally for sometimes 12 to 15 hours at a clip? No, you have to “be” something or “do” something else. Why people, why?

I’ve been a bartender for a long time. I have worked in some crazy-ass bars for some crazy-ass people. I think the words “Village Idiot” (a previous place of employment) pretty much says it all.

However, I’ve also had my fair share of corporate jobs. Sometimes I just need a break from bartending…usually about the time it starts interfering with my social drinking. So I quit and move on to a land of bad overhead lighting, office politics and air conditioning that could preserve a corpse for months — if not years — on end.

One of my previous jobs has been satellite work. I love this job as it suits me to work with techs and blue collar folks in general. When I moved to NYC I was actually doing contract work in Atlanta and one of our huge clients (Bloomberg Television) asked if I would like to come and apply. I did and worked for the future Mayor Bloomberg for a year and a half.

I realized very quickly, however, that bartending was the only way I was going to be able to survive in New York as nothing else paid in cash and didn’t take a third of your pay when it was all said and done.

After a few years of bouncing around, I settled into a job that I loved at The Hog Pit BBQ The Hog Pit has great food and is in a neighborhood famous for tranny hookers and leather bars. It may not sound like a good combo, but those Wall Streeters really like to live on the wild side. The locale and the food kept the bar packed on a regular basis.

One night while I was slinging drinks as usual, a group of very good looking, suit- and tie-wearing investment bankers sat at the bar. Now let me be clear, until I went to college at 40, I had never finished high school and would say that my education was primarily life-related.

I may not have graduated Ivy League but I am a fast learner, avid reader and am blessed with more than a normal share of common sense. I will not, for any reason, be treated condescendingly. Nor will I allow it to happen to anyone I work with. The following is a little glimpse into what I like to call…

“Please god don’t make me call your ass out for being a Condescending Ass Monkey!”

CAM: “So, what else do you do besides dress up in a cowboy hat and sling drinks?”

Me: “This is it.”

CAM: “Seriously? Actress, singer, porn star? It’s gotta be something.”

At this point CAM is being really cute. Smiling a million-dollar smile with his head of perfectly cut hair cocked to the side. As I was at this time completely unaware of his CAM status, I was flirting up a freakin storm, thinking that at the very least I would be getting a fat tip out of the deal.

Me: “Seriously, this is it. I used to work for Bloomberg Television as a satellite tech but New York taxes were killing me.”

CAM: “You quit a job with a fortune 500 company to work at the Hog Pit?”

Me: “Think of it this way, I quit working 50 plus hours a week for a take home of 500 bucks after taxes. Now I work 2 days a week for around $1000 cash. I’ve been to Ireland, Greece, New Orleans, Nashville, Miami and Atlanta just in the last 2 years. Bartending makes travel possible and travel makes me happy.”

So at this point, I’m thinking that CAM and myself might just have a little something going. And I’m feeling pretty damn pleased with myself. Well, any of you who know me know that clearly, that shit just wasn’t gonna happen as I was about to receive my first glimpse into CAM’s ass-monkey status.

CAM: “So, I told my friends that you were a satellite tech, and John over there used to do that for his company.”

Me: (oblivious) “Oh, that’s cool.”

CAM: (being a little too pleased with himself) “I thought you could tell him what EXACTLY you did?”

Now I have a lot of faith in people, too fucking much most of the time, but I don’t care to see people as ass monkeys from the get…I like to give them the benefit of the doubt. This was a mistake in CAM’s case as he was clearly being condescending and figured that being “just” a bartender, I didn’t know shit about satellites.

Me: “Well, the last project I worked on was a contract job. Satellite Telstar 401 fell out of geosynchronous orbit when it was hit by some interstellar debris, and all of the clients that we had pointed to that particular satellite had to be redirected. I did a lot of corporate installs for Prudential, John Hancock and the like because they use the satellites for company meetings and training. We repointed all the clients in less than two weeks which pretty much got me hired out here.”

Now at this point, you coulda knocked CAM off his bar stool with a feather. He just sat there staring at me with his mouth open. Instead of calling his dumb ass out however, I just winked at him and sashayed my fine ass to the other side of the bar.

CAM then did something to partially redeem himself. And I gotta tell ya, I was happy, because wasting that much pretty is just a damn sin as far as I see it.

CAM: “Hey, I was really an asshole to you wasn’t I?”

Me: “You know what? Ya really were.”

CAM: “I’m really sorry.”

Me: “This is the deal honey, I do this for the same reason every girl here does. That waitress there speaks five languages and has traveled all over the world. In her spare time, she visits an elderly lady who needs company. She doesn’t do this for community service hours either… she does it because she wants to and has the time.

That waitress over there is a film maker and was in Sundance last month because one of her films was nominated. And last but not least, that one over there is putting herself through college and teaches young kids dance during the day. This job might not be glamourous but it affords me the luxury of doing whatever the hell I want in the five — count ’em — five days a week I have off.”

CAM: “I was really a dick, huh?”

Me: (Smiling) “Actually, condescending ass monkey is the technical term or CAM for short.”

I let CAM make it up to me by buying me a few shots of the most expensive tequila we had…he was a good sport.

So this is the lesson folks: Don’t let yourself be a condescending ass monkey. We are here to wait on you, bring you the things that you require and to make sure that you have some damn fun after a busy day at the office. This is a service that we provide, it doesn’t come for free but your money does NOT afford you the luxury of being a “Condescending Ass Monkey”.

You probably don’t want to know the consequences if you don’t apologize.

Like this post? Subscribe already! Enter your email at the bottom of the home page.

  1. Mr. Parx says:

    I’m enjoying your new venture very much, divebardiva, or, as I prefer, Queen Pretty.

    Mr. P.

    • divebardiva says:

      Mr. P.
      My love for you knows no bounds (not to be confused with my hypocrisy of course) and I am so very glad you approve as your opinion means a great deal.

  2. Barfly says:


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s