Do You Smell Something? It’s the Crap Bartenders Have to Deal With

Posted: March 14, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings, Out-of-Body Fluid Experiences

Okay everybody, this story comes straight from Clown Town central. A story that although the divebardiva is feeling near death, I feel compelled to share with one and all.

Keep in mind that myself and another bartrash alum spent our Sunday laughing it up and drinking mimosas made by the uber sexy Jay Love at a certain alley of the bowl. Now everyone has funny stories to tell at the Bowl, most of which are highly entertaining and seem ridiculously impossible to have actually happened.

I have had friends who are bar aficionados come and visit only to be unbelievably shocked and amazed by the goings-on in our little neck of the woods. Between vomiting on the bar, customers kickin their own asses, compound fractures and gun-toting crazies in the parking lot, I really thought I had heard it all.

Clearly, I was mistaken.

Lady Dumbass: “Hey  bartender, I don’t think you are putting enough alcohol in my drinks.”

Jay Love: “We make a strong drink, hon. It just doesn’t taste like it because you are drinking it with cranberry.”

Lady Dumbass: “I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem very strong.”

Cut to scene several hours later.

Random Customer: “Hey dude, you know that chick who kept saying her drinks weren’t strong enough?”

Jay Love: “Yeah.”

Random Customer: “Well she’s passed out on the floor between the first and second doors.”

Now at this point, I am already laughing my ass off. One, because I can picture this thing as it’s happening, and in my mind’s eye I can see that silly bitch passed out in the doorway. And two, because when I was walking in, I saw a shoe in the parking lot and mentioned to my bartrash pal Ms. Turner that someone must have been real drunk to have left without a shoe.

What I didn’t realize at the time was how very true that statement was.

Jay Love then proceeds to tell us a story that, had I not heard it for myself, would never have believed.

So, drunkypants is truly passed out between doors number one and two. Jay Love, being the saver of all things great and small, takes charge and decides to drag her back to the office to sleep it off.

Now we need to mention at this point that although this girl was a pain in the ass regarding the amount of alcohol in her drink, she does not deserve to have the worst friends EVER. Any group of friends that would leave your ass passed out in the doorway of a bar are a bunch of douchebags and you should get rid of them.

So, Jay grabs about 160lbs of dead weight under the arms after making sure that she was not in fact dead and started dragging her through the bar and back to the office. And then it happened…a sound that no bartender dragging a drunk patron EVER wants to hear. The sound of said patron shitting themselves. Yes ladies and gentlemen, you heard it correctly.

Not even the wild imagination of the divebardiva can make this kinda shit up.

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  1. Jon says:

    I just spit coffee through my nose! Never in a million years was I expecting a pants-shitting outcome! So, I have to ask: What did Jay Love do with Miss Shitpants???

  2. Holla says:

    I literally just cried…again! This story will won’t ever get old… Clown Town never disappoints!

  3. kristin says:

    OMG… I think i just peed myself a little bit!!! now that shit is funny.. shit never gets old, or boring i should say, in good old clown town!!!

  4. Vodka Toxic says:

    Another great post from divebardiva!!!! Is there a bodily fluid bartenders don’t have to deal with? Clearly not. And most importantly, feel better chica!!! XOXOX

  5. DJ SEXXX JELLAY says:

    Alright, this one comes straight from the dark places in my brain that I try to forget, but just can’t. Funny, I can remember shit like this but can’t remember what Mrs Sexxx Jellay told me last week. And I bet it was something important!

    Anyway, back at the bar where Diva and I first became friends, I was a bouncer before reclaiming my birthright as the King of all DJ’s, so naturally we (I) saw a ton of stuff that no amount of eye bleach could help take care of.

    Friday night, about 10:30, which is fairly early for a bar that closes at two, I and the other bouncer Brian are summoned to the men’s restroom. Brian opened up the door and backed away as fast as he could. Brian isn’t a small or shy person by any means, but I swear to God if would have been able to curl up in the fetal position and sucked his thumb, he would have. I then opened the door and the words out of my mouth was, ” I ain’t fuckin’ cleaning that up!”

    Again, it’s 10:30 and already we are dealing with this, normal: 50+ year old man, about 6’1″ and around 260 lbs. Nothing unusual there. Messed up: on the floor with a trickle of blood from his forehead hitting the tile. Fucked up: one leg in the stall, one leg out of the stall, pants around his ankles. Puke all over the toilet and shit, presumably his, all over the fucking floor like he was trying to make snow angels with it. The dude is passed out and we can’t get him moved and the gag reflex starts up every time we open the door to try to get near him.

    Long story short; the paramedics and cops are called in with full haz-mat suits to get this guy off the floor and into the ambulance, and I fucking lost at ro-sham-bo and had to grab the mop.

    I almost hate you-Drunk, can’t puke in the toilet and shit all over the floor-guy! I almost hate you!

    I got more gems like this, I promise!


  6. Vodka Toxic says:

    DJ-SJ, that reply was too good not to go on the main wall! Anytime I think I’ve had a bad day at work, I’m going to remember this — especially your snow angels comment.

    Thanks for sharing!!!!

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