Two for Ones, Ladies’ Night and Other Unsolved Mysteries…

Posted: March 16, 2011 by divebardiva in Common Sense ... Not So Common, Daily Ramblings

Okay people, this is the deal: I used to work and live in NYC as most of you know. I also spent quite a few years in ATL once upon a time. In these states they really don’t have two-for-ones, and ladies’ night is comprised of either a bunch of college girls who can’t afford anything but ramen or really bitchy girls who pay $400 for shoes and then can’t afford alcohol or, clearly, tipping.

[Sidenote…if you can’t walk in hot shoes, please don’t buy them, you look like a fucking moron. Heidi Klum can pull off that weird supermodel horse walk. You, honey, are no Heidi Klum, trust me on this. And PS…lose the attitude, we serve $1.75 PBR in the can so either go somewhere snotty and act like a snot, or get your shit together.]

So anyway, the two-for-one mystery didn’t really rear its head until I moved back to the Great White North. Now again I have to mention that common sense, really not that common.

  • No, you may not order three rounds because two-for-ones end in three minutes.
  • No, you may not pay for three and then get drink chips for the rest. When you go to a restaurant and it’s buy one dinner and get the second half price, do you ask them if you can return tomorrow for your half price meal? I don’t know, maybe you do and you are just a freakin moron. If so, your cause is lost.

So then we have ladies’ night. Yes, you can have certain things free from 9-11. Long Island Teas and expensive shots are not going to be among them. In addition, walking up to the bar and yelling, “What can I get for free?” really isn’t putting you on the list of people I am going to be paying a lot of attention to tonight.

Just so you know, the next time you walk up here and are so fucking rude with nary a please or thank you, the thing you will definitely be receiving for free, is my foot up your ass.

And last but not least, the lesbian come-back. No folks, I am not referring to any of my gay pals, I am referring to a strange phenomenon I like to call the lesbian come-back. This is when an obnoxious guy comes and either tries to dance with you and your girlfriends, or repeatedly asks you out after asking all your friends and ignoring your very polite “no thank you.” At the point that you finally get through to him, or think you do anyway, he pulls out this lovely little gem.

Tool: “So, what are ya a lesbian or something?”

Yes, because my friend it certainly couldn’t possibly be you and your tool-like behavior this evening. I clearly must be gay to be turning down an ass clown such as yourself to dance with my beautiful friends. Well, either gay or have a shit ton of self-respect and common sense.

However, unattractive toolbox, if it makes you feel better…I am as gay as Ellen Degeneres.


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  1. Vodka Toxic says:

    Awesome, divebardiva! I’m such a fan of the lesbian come-back.

    You’re correct, sir. I’m a lesbian. I’s not because you’re sweaty and unattractive, disgustingly rude, have putrid breath and are missing teeth. It’s because I’m a lesbian. Otherwise, I’d be all over you.

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