Something In Your Eye? Or Are You Actually Trying to Flirt With Me?

Posted: March 22, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay people, this is the deal. I haven’t been on a lot of real dates in my life. I remember one when I was 19: It was at The Olive Garden, and he was a car salesman. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to elaborate on that one.

In general, most of my romantic interludes have been the result of a few drinks and some smart talk at any one of the dive bars that I have either worked in, or sat in front of. Now, as you can imagine, I have heard my share of pickup lines. The last one I remember off the top of my head was, “Hey, do you wanna go fuck on top of the toilet in the guys bathroom?”

I know what you’re thinking, who the hell says that? Well, more people than you would think…no, I’m not fucking kidding…A LOT more people than you would think. However, this is not my pet peeve…the following is a small list of what is.

1. Handing your number to a waitress to give to me after you leave. What are you, five? If you don’t have the balls to ask me out in person, you and I are not gonna work out. I like my relationships to include just the one vagina, thank you.

2. After handing said note to said waitress, coming back to the bar at a later date and act all incredulous that I didn’t call you. Guess what girlie man? I’m a cute girl, and boys call me. Not the other way around.

3. Winking at me all night long. I love cute boys who wink, I really do. However, if you are doing it so often that it seems you are in the midst of recovering from Lasik surgery, then Houston, we have a problem.

4. Talking to all my friends all night (but ignoring me), and then asking one of them if I like you. No sissy. Once again, I am going to require testicles in a date. I may not use them today but I damn well wanna know they are there.

5. Okay, this one is really the big one. You are a cute boy and you flirt with me all night long. We make plans to hang out after work. You proceed to get soooo shit hammered that standing becomes a challenge that you may not win. WTF dude? I cannot tolerate a man who can’t hold his liquor. When I can drink your ass into the fetal position, it does not bode well for you rockin my world later on.

6. And last but certainly not least. You flirt all night long and once again we make plans for a bit of after-work fun. I’d say it’s about 11 and for the next three hours you proceed to hit on several of my friends, actually leave the bar with a girl to go to a party and then return at 1:45 ready for our after-bar cocktails. Are you really that stupid? REALLY? No, I will not be second choice, third or tenth for that matter. Seriously, how dumb are you? You may, in fact, be too stupid to live.

Sadly no, you are just stupid enough to keep breathing.

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