Hey Dumbass…Can I See Some ID?

Posted: March 24, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay people, I was thinking of this last night because my gorgeous specimen of a sister and I were talking about it…and then of course, as my life tends to lean, I dreamt about it.

Here it is. When I politely ask you for your ID, this is the response I would like to hear:

“Umm yeah, I have it right here.”

The following is a list of things that are unacceptable…

1. Seriously, I can’t believe you’re carding me. I come here all the time…if the other bartender were here, I would never get carded.

Okay you stupid bitch, since you didn’t call the other bartender by name, I am already aware you have no fucking idea who she is. And PS, if you came here all the time, I would probably recognize your dumb ass since I work here 3 to 4 nights a week. But alas, I do not.

2. Really? You’re carding me? I never get carded anymore. Are you new here?

No dipshit, I am not new here. I’ve worked here for a year. And yes, I am really and truly carding you. And guess what, you turned 21 last fucking year! Don’t waste my time with your stupid questions, because you don’t wanna hear my smart-ass answer. Trust me, you silly bitch, I will eviscerate you…please use your computer dictionary to figure out what eviscerate means.

3. Is Jenny here? Because Jenny totally knows me.

No idiot, Jenny is not here. And do you know why? Because, you monumental twit, no one named Jenny works here. Stop asking stupid questions and produce your ID. AND don’t act all incredulous when someone asks for it. It’s my job to make sure you’re old enough to partake in an adult beverage. I still get carded (albeit it’s usually someplace where the bartender is 100, but still). And when I do, I happily produce my ID without so much as a scoff in their direction.

So, stop being a douche and trying to act like you don’t look like a 12 year old. Be happy that you look like one, you dumb shit. Because the day that you don’t — and the day I stop carding you — is gonna be a sad day indeed.

And you can take that shit to the bank!

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  1. DJ SEXXX JELLAY says:

    If I had the time, I’d go into full rant mode. Alas, I don’t have the time. Stay tuned, because I will regale you with my very first meeting/exchange/give-take process with the Diva very soon! If she would have only realized how big of a “deal” I am, and yes, you can insert “tool” for deal, our friendship may have never developed. Who am I kidding!? I’m a fucking great guy! Ask me; I’ll tell you so!

    DJ SJ

  2. divebardiva says:

    I cannot wait to hear about our first meeting as I was clearly drunk and cannot recall.

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