DUHSaronno: I Have an Alcohol Problem

Posted: March 25, 2011 by VT in Common Sense ... Not So Common, Daily Ramblings

Well, a problem with one alcohol in particular: Disaronno.

For those who may not be familiar, Disaronno is a member of the sickly-sweet amaretto family. I think it’s a vile liquor. [Sidenote: Vile Liquor is an AWESOME band name. ]

But that’s not the reason I hate it so much. It’s those damn commercials.

A while back, Disaronno had that stupid spot where the woman orders a Disaronno on the rocks. (Don’t know how to make that particular cocktail? No worries. We’re gonna tackle that one next.)

When the skanky bartender tries to take the customer’s empty glass, she stops him, takes out a piece of ice and performs some sort of weird, soft-porn, ice-cube fellatio. Much to the delight of the male bar patrons and the previously-mentioned skanky bartender — who looks an awful lot like one of those pervs on “To Catch a Predator.”

Ick factor? Through the roof.

But just when I thought the commercials couldn’t get any more moronic, Disaronno comes up with – not one – but a series of painfully stupid spots …

Male bartender walks to the bar. So far, so good. Thank you, Disaronno executive asses for at least upgrading the male talent. This guy is yummy.

He looks coyly into the camera and says something to the tune of, “Today, I will show you how to make a Disaronno and Ginger Ale.” I’m sorry … what? Are you kidding me? My 8-year-old niece could figure out what’s in a Disaronno and Ginger Ale.

“First, you take a glass and fill it with ice. Now you have Disaronno on the rocks.”

Seriously, WTF??? Please don’t tell me there’s some jackass idiot in Topeka, Kansas sitting at home thinking, “Wow, I would LOVE a Disaronno on the rocks. If only I could figure out how to make one.”

But I digress. Back to the condescending-yet-oh-so-delectable bartender …

“Now add Ginger Ale. And there you have it. Disaronno and Ginger Ale. “ Another sultry look into the camera, product shot and END SCENE.

Thank you, Captain Obvious and Major Stupidity. You’ve solved one of the world’s great mysteries: How to make a DUHsaronno and Ginger Ale.

Now, just in case there are some ass clowns out there who can’t figure out that to make a cocktail comprised of Disaronno and a mixer, YOU NEED DISARONNO AND A FUCKING MIXER, they have more short-bus advertising tutorials for you – featuring mythical libations like the Disaronno and Cranberry. Oooh. Ahhh.

Now, to the Disaronno admirers out there, I will admit that there is one exception to my amaretto-is-shit stance.

Actually, it’s funny cuz the divebardiva and I were just talking about this last night. The fact that there are some cocktails you can only drink under very specific circumstances. Corona Light, for example. I love it. The divebardiva loathes it … unless she’s in sunny Florida near the beach. And then that girl will suck it down like nobody’s business.

My amaretto exception is the Snake Bite. A drink we inhaled during college football games. Here’s the recipe:

Snake Bite

  • 1 part Amaretto
  • 2 parts Sprite
  • Lime Juice

Fill a pitcher with ice and the above ingredients. Drink a shot for every point your team scores, and chase it with a cold beer.

But even in the extremely rare instances I drink Snake Bites (more for nostalgia than anything), I would never use Disaronno. Unless it was served to me by that hot-ass bartender. And then I’d only pretend to drink it.

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Comments
  1. divebardiva says:

    I think we should recreate this whole scene in Atlanta and see how many bartenders try to slap the shit out of us 🙂 This post is just one more shining example of why we have been friends for 20, yes I said it, 20 years!

    • Vodka Toxic says:

      Love it! Let’s block the bartenders from taking our empty glasses so we can seductively suck on ice cubes. 😉

      One week, baby! And bartrashers, get ready for some kick-ass posts from our trip!

  2. Jon says:

    Um, I like me an amaretto on the rox on a cold winter night. Which explains why I rarely had in FL. Warms my cuckolds, if you know what I mean.

    • Vodka Toxic says:

      Yeah, it’s a little too sweet for me. But I know a lot of people enjoy it. Just make sure you choose a brand other than Disaronno. And hopefully you enjoyed the post anyway.

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