Tragedy At The Strip Club…

Posted: March 28, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay people, since I can’t seem to get through a weekend without doing my person some sort of physical harm, I find myself laid up in bed with a broken toe.

Yes, what was once my very cute pinky toe took the full weight of a case of beer and is now a cornucopia of blacks and blues. This is a prime example of how something fun (beer) can quickly turn tragic (it lands on your toe).

This brings us to my message of the day. “Even optimum circumstances can take a wrong turn.”

So on Saturday, before I had to go meet my friend Holla to get a little work done, I got a call from an old friend Tater Pauly. “Come and have beers. We’re in town buying a grain drill, and we’re right down the street.”

Well, clearly I could not say no to such a request. I mean really, what kind of friend (and bar trash) would that make me? As we threw back 2 or 3 beers, the conversation turned to one of my favorite subjects right behind drag queens … and that, my friend, is strippers.

It seems that Tater and his business partner (another farmer) were going to pick up a horse out in Montana. And what better to do on a road trip than to visit the local strip club? Now here in Minnesota, they have two practices that I just cannot get behind and oddly enough, they both have to do with alcohol.

I am a firm believer that booze should be offered and consumed in copious amounts in the following locales — strip clubs and casinos. Here in Minnesota, they are clearly not as enlightened as I in such important world issues, and alcohol is not offered at most casinos and strip clubs. A tragedy of epic proportions.

Well my friends, they are an enlightened bunch out there in Montana and have not only full bar, but full naked as well. Those of you in the know as far as strip clubs go, understand that one can be unhappily surprised by wandering into a ‘topless only’ strip club. I mean really, is that necessary? I think not. In any event, Montana is full naked and full booze, just the way the divebardiva likes it.

So, Pauly and his group go in and sit down at a table. As they are known to do, one pretty young vixen comes over and offers Tater a lap dance. Now Tater is nothing if not pragmatic and feels that there should be a certain progression to these things…

1. Drink a bunch of beers

2. Hit the rail and check out the talent

3. Lap dance

Not taking “no” for answer, the lovely girl gets one of Tater’s friends on board for the pre-beer lap dance. Said friend, not realizing that Pauly’s hesitance was not about the naked, but more about wanting things the way he wants them, sends cute naked girl out to retrieve Tater and give him a dance.

Now if you know me, you know that there I two things I cannot have in a friend…friends who are not bright (ditzy is acceptable) and friends who have no sense of humor…for obvious reasons. Pauly, being a smart boy, knows better than to say no to a pretty girl (especially if she’s naked) and he went along happily.

What happened next has to be the funniest damn thing I have ever heard. Now my friend Pauly is a big bear of a guy, cute as all get out and the sweetest, most hilarious thing on the planet (he also does a rousing Piano Man).

So as he tells me about this girl turning around reverse-cowgirl style and then sticking her butt in his face. I am grinning like an idiot because I can picture the whole thing and the look on his face. The cute little thing then performed some sort of yoga feat by grabbing him behind her back and pulling his head into her butt.

Unfortunately, although quite small, this private dancer had the strength of ten grown men and jerked his head directly into her tailbone knocking him semi-unconscious. His exact words “I saw stars and my vision blurred. I haven’t been hit that hard in the nose in all the fights I’ve ever been in.”

So remember folks, even under the most ideal circumstances…full naked and full alcohol…tragedy can strike at any time…so be careful out there 🙂

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  1. Vodka Toxic says:

    Great post, divebardiva! So funny! I love that it sounds like a joke, “Two farmers on their way to buy a horse in Montana decide to visit a strip club …”

  2. Tater Paul says:

    That is the great thing about this story it sounds like a joke, but you can’t make this stuff up. Thanks divebardiva the story is almost better in the third person. The bussiness partner and i had a great laught last night over beers reading it

    • divebardiva says:

      I love the fact that you shared it with me…and seeing your face for beers to hear it in person…there is some shit you just can’t make up…

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