You Ask, We Answer: “Is It Okay For a Guy to Order a Cosmo?”

Posted: March 29, 2011 by divebardiva in Q&A: Ask Your Bartender

Okay people: Today is one of those days where I am rushing around like my ass is on fire because, as usual, I waited too long to get my shit done and now I have to head to the airport. In my defense, however, it seemed like a better idea to hang with my monkey for a bit then to be a constant source of humor and love for our loyal followers…ya know I love ya, but it is what it is.

So, normally Wednesday (or get humped day) will be the day of the week where we will be taking your questions. Now they can be bar-related, cocktail-related or just run-of-the-mill (who was a better Darin…Dick York or Dick Sargent…thank DJ SJ), and we will even accept relationship questions.

My life may be a disaster, but I give great advice…ask anyone. Although I am well aware that today is not in fact Wednesday, I need an easy subject or violence may ensue.

So here we go with some of your musings:

Q:  Is it okay for a guy to order a cosmopolitan?

A:  Unless you are one of my friends who currently attends the “Church of the Homotastic”…I would pass. I know it seems ridiculous. But if you’re trying to get laid in any way, shape or form, drinking a pink drink in a fancy glass with a twist is clearly not the way to go about it. But hey, if you’re out with your wife and getting laid is either a lock or something you could care less about, well then order away my friend.

Q:  How do you tip on two-4-ones? Do you tip on the cost of both drinks, even though you’re only paying for one?

A:  This one is tricky for a lot of people. I personally tip at least a dollar a drink if I am at a busy place and paying cash every round. I have a tendency to tip two or three if I am getting one of my beers for free.

I must say, however, that I am a bartender, and I know that for every one of me there are at least three cheap-ass monkeys who won’t tip at all, and one or two who will leave a buck. In order to even out the ever-important “drink karma,” I have to occasionally go a little overboard. This is my role in the drinking universe, and I happily accept it.

Q:  If the bar is slammed, what’s the best trick to getting served? The money in hand thing? Waving? What?

A:  Okay, this is one that we all must learn, as sometimes it is difficult to get served in a crazy busy environment. My advice on this is simple. When your bartender gets within hearing distance try, “Hey when you get a second…” Now you need to be paying attention because when I hear this, I sometimes just nod my head or signal with my hand for them to order. This means order RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

DO NOT at that point turn around to your friends and start putting together a drink order. And as much as you may want the cute girl next to you to be able to order first (because you’re a nice guy or — more likely — looking to get in her pants), I do not, because I am telling YOU to order. I will get to her next IF she isn’t being an asshole or indecisive.

DO NOT wave money. It’s rude, and we are not strippers (and even if we were…still kinda rude).

DO NOT EVER snap your fingers or shake your drink ice…it’s not only rude, it unequivocally screams that you are a DICK.

Once you have completed your order, be polite and then leave a larger-than-normal tip. If it’s really busy and you’re staying all night…I recommend a $10. You can tip normally from that point on but by leaving a VERY nice tip, being polite and sticking with the same drink order each time…the bartender will remember you and be able to whip up your order in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

In the end, you should be able to communicate from across the bar with nary a word between you. People will wonder how you do it while they are struggling to get anyone to glance their way.  

Trust me on this one people, give it a try…it works!

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  1. Jon says:

    In response to your last answer, whenever I went to my favorite haunt in Ft.Laud — Fat Cats — first thing I’d do when I walked in was find my good man Dylan and give him $20. I was usually there with a crew of 4-10, and Dylan usually knew who was with me as the night wore on. It was my way of thanking him in advance for taking care of us for the night and for being the man. In return, my glass never got empty, and Dylan would ask me “Everybody good?” no matter how jammin’ the bar got. Not saying I would do this at every bar, but always at places I went to a lot, and especially if I knew the tender. I haven’t found a Fat Cats or a Dylan since moving to Seattle 2 years ago, and I gotta say, I miss the ol’ joint.

    • Vodka Toxic says:

      I love Fat Cats … and your $20 routine always worked like a charm. The bar would be packed and yummy Dylan would see us and get our drinks before the crowds of people ahead of us. Good times!

      And when are you coming to visit? A Fat Cat visit is in order!!!!

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