Sweetheart, Just Read the Menu and Shut Up

Posted: April 6, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay people, I have said before that I am not a fan of the drink menu. To me, if you are out drinking you should know what the hell you want.

I mean, I know that I cannot drink bourbon so I don’t order any drinks that contain said alcohol. It’s quite simple really. Miss Toxic has an issue with amaretto. She doesn’t order it – end of story.

Listen pain-in-the-ass girl standing next to me at a fabulous Atlanta bar: You demand a drink menu and then painfully ask about every fucking drink. (Can you not read? Did you just want to see the pretty pictures?) And when the bartender patiently describes each libation, you turn up your nose and tell him each ingredient you won’t — under any circumstances — drink.

But remember this:

  1. I don’t work here so I have no problem whatsoever calling your ass out for being a pain.
  2. Even if I did work here…I probably could not stop myself from pointing out your monumental stupidity.
  3. The bartender is being extremely patient with your oblivious ass and should be tipped accordingly.
  4. If you do not tip after this myriad of ridiculous questions on a busy Saturday night, I am not above judo chopping you in the throat.

I cannot stress enough that I hate the drink menu. However, I realize that there are people who work in fancy places –the kind where I can get the meal of a lifetime and a bunch of really good cocktails. I know that this kind of place comes with a drink menu as part of the package.

As a bartender, sometimes you have to weigh the cash in your pocket at the end of the night against the “pain-in-the-ass factor.” Sometimes the cash is just too damn good.

However, for all you whiny ladies who have to ask what every drink contains — when it is clearly stated on the stupid-ass menu that you just had to have — I will quote a good friend who summed it up quite succinctly:

“Why’s there always one bitch who has to ruin it for everyone?”

Honey, don’t let that bitch be you…cause you know who you are…

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