When Douche Runs in the Family

Posted: April 22, 2011 by VT in Viva La Douche

Thanks for this great post by Server X! We love our contributors!

So I was working this fine Thursday evening, and it was a slow night. So I think to myself, “How fantastic. I’ve had a great evening with some regulars, I’m in a good mood, and it seems to be an easy douche-free night.”

Oh, was I wrong.

So about a half hour to closing, all my peeps leave, and it is me, my biotch (my pet name for my fiancée) and two semi-regulars, who just happen to be my neighbors. In comes a guy and a sweet looking little old lady, who was the guy’s mother.

Now the old lady starts off nice. She tells the son, “It looks like they’re closing soon, and their sign says that they close in a half hour.” I walk over and respond , “That’s OK, dear. I can still grab you a drink, if you like.”

Guys says, “I want a McGolden Light, and she’ll have a Captain Coke. Oh, and mom, they close when I say it’s OK to close.”

His first (but not last) mistake.

I grab the beverages, set them in front of the two, and tell them the total. This is when the old lady starts going downhill . She pulls out her wallet, doesn’t want to break a 10 dollar bill and so pulls out her change purse instead. And fails to tip.

Right before close, they order another round. I’m doing all my closing duties, so okay, drink while I clean. I really don’t mind.

Old lady turns to me and says, “Well apparently, I have to pay for this overpriced crap.” Now anyone in their right mind knows that a bartender does not make up the prices. We are low on the totem pole and just make the drinks.

At this point, the son turns to me and asks me, “Why don’t you have pull tabs open?” I reply, “Well, we had our pull-tab booth open earlier, and I haven’t had anybody who wanted to play all night. But if you like, I’ll open them for you.” Keep in mind, this is at closing.

Son says, “Okay, fine I guess. You don’t want to open them for me.”

I reply, “I really don’t mind if you would like to play them.”

This is immediately followed by him and his mother complaining that our:

• Kitchen is closed.

• We have horrible hours.

• We should sell groceries.

• We have no senior fishing docks (?).

• And apparently our Captain Morgan is fake.

Ten minutes later, I ask my semi-regulars if they would like one last drink. They say, “No thank you. We have to work in the morning.” (Seeing as I am paying for my biotch’s drinks, I think I have rights to say when I am done serving him.)

So I turn to the only other people in the entire bar – the mother and son – and ask if they would like anything else. The son says “What? It’s only a half-hour past close, and you’re fucking taking last call? Why are you fucking doing that?”

I politely say, “Well I’m only scheduled to keep the bar open till this time. And keeping it open right now is just not worth it to the owner.”

He says, “I would keep it open even if it’s just one person at the bar. Looks like I’m going to talk to the owner tomorrow and tell him about you doing this. But yeah, I will take another round.”

He then proceeds to yell at the three other people in the bar that I’ve already talked to and tell them how outraged he is that I am doing last call. And that they better order more drinks because the bitch bartender is cutting everyone off.

Now nowhere did I say I was cutting anyone off, and I don’t think he realized he was talking to my neighbors and my fiancée.

So he finishes his last drink, and I hand HIM the tab. He throws money on the counter and says, “I tipped even though you cut me off early. You must be new around here because I’m here often. I know A LOT of people around here, and you better get used to me.”

He continues, “Now I don’t want to be mean, and I think you are a nice bartender, but I am going to make a trip in tomorrow just to talk to your boss about this.”

I just smile and think to myself, “Right…. new, huh? Pretty sure I’ve worked here for 6 years and am a senior staff member. Also in those 6 fucking years I can recall seeing you a whole 3 times, and I am damn good with faces.” After that thought, I reply to him, “Go for it, tell my boss all about this.”

To top off the cherry on the douche-baggery sundae, after he leaves, and I am counting the money for the tab I realize,

“Yup, that ass shorted me. Fantastic.”

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  1. divebardiva says:

    Oh Server X, how I love thee. Thank you so much for the post in my time of need. You are awesome and here at Bar Trash we love, love, love, our loyal readers and those witty enough to jump on board and tell their tragic tales 🙂

  2. Vodka Toxic says:

    Nice post!!!!! “Douche-baggery sundae” made me laugh.

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