Letters to the Weekend Offenders: Too Much Booze, Not Enough Brains

Posted: April 25, 2011 by divebardiva in Common Sense ... Not So Common, Daily Ramblings, Viva La Douche

Okay people, first let me apologize about my lack of personal posts. As we say in the South…I may have “dropped my basket” for a little bit. I am doing my level best to rally. But sometimes, when the shit hits the fan, there is nothing to do but stand there and wait for it to stop blowin.

So, as is the norm in my sleepy little neck of the woods, there were some instances over the holiday weekend that need to be addressed in this, my happy little forum.

First, I have to say that the positive aspects of having this little outlet to vent my issues with people’s constant stupidity and bad manners is beneficial in more ways than one. It saves the clueless from harm — and generally keeps me in a good enough mood to go to work and smile throughout the night no matter what comes my way.

I think that today’s post will be formatted as letters to the weekends offenders…

Dear Dumbass,

I have been waiting on you for 6 years at various bars around town. You’ve been repeatedly pissing me off, and thankfully, you have finally done something so stupid that I no longer have to wait on your annoying ass.

What was the wind of fortune that blew through my life, you might ask? It was your monumental stupidity.

Now, for oh these many years, I’ve had to put up with your shit. Let’s take a walk down memory lane, shall we.

  • Remember the times I’ve had to speak to you about not making crude comments and rubbing up against the female customers? You’re a grown man. You shouldn’t be acting like a hormonal 15-year-old.
  • Then there were the nights I had to leave the bar to prevent someone from kicking the shit out of you.
  • And what about the occasion when I had to escort you from the premises myself because you cannot hold your booze and constantly have to be babysat?
  • Add to that your annoying habit of making me keep up with your barrage of credit cards that you spread out on the bar (in what I am thinking is a sad attempt to impress people with your financial prowess).

Good times.

One would think that with the above list of violations that there’s absolutely no way you could you top the douche-baggery that you’ve continuously displayed for the past 6 years. But once again, I am surprised at your valiant efforts to top even the worst behavior.

This weekend, you added dumbass thief to your list of offenses. Allow me to give you a  bit of advice. (After all, I am a bartender. It’s kinda what I do.) Now listen closely, and try to learn something.

If you are trying to steal a bunch of stuff from the back, don’t try and explain yourself by saying that the bartender gave it to you to put away. Especially when that bartender is me — and I have an almost unnatural dislike of you.

The two happy points that have resulted from your ridiculous stupidity…the Bossman hates a thief as much as I do and had no problem agreeing with my plan to 86 you for life. Oh, ya know what? There’s only one happy point. I think I was so excited I got carried away for a minute. 

But just that one really makes it all worthwhile. 🙂

Now on to our next offender …

As I always say: Common sense, no so common. But pissing off your bartender within moments of meeting them is never going to bode well for your drinking experience.

Now that being said, I have days where I am not as cordial as I am known to be. I also have days where my tolerance is at a 2 rather than an 8 where it usually hovers.

This day wasn’t either of those situations. I had a wonderful day which wrapped up a less-than-stellar week. So when I arrived at work, I was feeling like a million bucks and more than ready for my Sunday Funday.

And then…I met her.

Dear Drunk and Bitchy,

Coming up to the bar to ask for pulltabs by saying “Hey, can you give me some fucking winners instead of crap the other bartender gave me?” was the first of many mistakes you made this afternoon.

When I explained to you that it’s called gambling for a reason and that you would have to look at the boxes and decide which one to play, you proceeded to get indignant and told me, “How the hell am I supposed to know which one is better?”

Now at this point, I’m already getting a little irritated with you. But I’ve had a wonderful day and am not about to let you pee in my cornflakes of happiness. So a little kindergarten math is what I decided to go with.

“Listen, why don’t you go and look at the boxes because there are only 5 winners left in each box.” At this point, you would think that you would have trotted your ass over to the boxes to discover that although there were 5 winners in each, one box had twice as many tickets in it.

Alas, you were not bright enough to take my advice. Instead you decided that being an even bigger bitch was an appropriate response. (I’m gonna have to beg to differ on this one, sister. Basically all you’re doing is proving to everyone around you that you cannot hold your booze, and you’re clearly trying to compete for the coveted title of Bitch of the Year.)

“Well, if you don’t wanna sell me any fucking pulltabs, I’ll just go outside.” So I gave you back your $20 and sent you on your way. Seriously, don’t threaten me with a good time. And you leaving = good time.

But alas, you could not stay gone. You came back in to bitch once again about pulltabs, bought a few, which were not winners, and then tried to repurchase with change.

That’s when I informed you that we don’t take change for pulltabs — giving you one more chance to act like a fucking human being. Once again, you disappointed me.

Instead of asking if I could exchange your coins for bills, you screamed at me and said, “You can fucking take change. Don’t lie to me.”

So, I went ahead and did it without punching you in the face. (Hey, I was having a good day.) And then, thanks to karma, you once again didn’t win.

You then said something about how I gave you a bunch of losers, and I had to make the decision whether or not I should snap on your rude ass. I gritted my teeth and decided to take the high road.

But then you went too far: You waited for me to turn around and then called me a bitch.

I dislike having to tell a customer that if they don’t have the balls to call me a bitch to my face, then they should probably keep it to themselves.

I dislike having to chastise you for telling the rest of my lovely customers what a bitch I am. You know, the ones that brought me flowers and dinner.

But what I dislike most about you, surly woman, is that the lovely people you were with had to apologize for your deplorable behavior.

And on a particularly catty sidenote…Why wear a sundress with no bra but put on support hose? Pick a lane, honey.

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  1. El Caminoooo says:

    Love the drunk and bitchy….worried about you giving her losers. Karma being what it was…. Life has already dealt her that hand. Thanks for the chuckle.

  2. Mr. Parx says:

    What is this pulltab of which you speak? (Seriously, I don’t know)

    Mr. P

    • divebardiva says:

      A pulltab, also known as cardboard cocaine, is a three tiered tear-away game of basic tic tac toe, but with funny pictures. A box has thousands of tickets and few winners but when one does win it is quite fun.

      A blue line will run through the winning pictures and there will either be what we call ‘playbacks’ which are cards worth between 2 and 26 dollars or a serial number card, which means you have won at least $50.

      The first time I played there were 7 of us, couples put in $10 a piece and I put in $20. We won a $200, $150 and a $100 plus numerous playbacks. We tipped well made another $50 off the playbacks, gave that to the pulltab girl, paid our enormous bar tab and I still walked with $40.

      However, I have seen people spend their whole paycheck and leave with next to nothing. I suppose that’s why they call it a vice 🙂