Bartending Is Like a Box of Chocolates …

Posted: April 27, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay people, this forum is usually where we eviscerate dumbasses and call it a day. However, sometimes as I am sitting around in the morning reminiscing, I realize that I have had some really interesting customers over the years. Not just the crazy shot-glass throwing drunkys either. Just interesting people with crazy lives.

They didn’t necessarily do anything to get them into the douche hall of fame, and yet there they are, dancing like sugarplums all through my head. Here are just a few tales from the crypt…

My Brush with the Infamous

When I worked on the 25th floor of the Atlanta Penta Hotel, I used to wait on a guy who was — quite famously — accused of killing his wife and putting her in a car trunk. He was acquitted due to lack of evidence and was free as a bird to come drink Heinekens at my bar once or twice a week.

We never discussed his brush with a lifetime in prison, and I think he preferred it that way. He ended up leaving town. (I’m assuming due to the fact that he couldn’t go anywhere and not be recognized.) But before his departure, he came in to see me and say good-bye. This was our last conversation.

Me: It was nice of you to come and say good-bye.

HK: You have always been kind to me.

Me: Why wouldn’t I be?

HK: Because people are normally horrified by or terrified of me. You were never either of those things.

Me: Why would I be? You’ve never been anything but nice to me.

HK: Everyone thinks I killed my wife and hid her body in the trunk of a car.

Me: Did you?

HK: No.

Me: Well then, I don’t see a problem do you?

HK: No, I suppose not.

I loved working at the hotel. The 25th floor was all windows and had views of the whole city (all the way out to Stone Mountain on a clear day). On the weekends we had a pianist who played and sang, my bff worked at the front desk and my future roommate was a valet. It was one of the best work environments EVER.

A few more things that happened there…

Divorce is a Drag

A drag queen named Stormy Weather frequented my bar. Stormy was a hoot. She used to be roommates with our guest services manager and dear friend AM.

AM used to tell us that one of his responsibilities as Stormy’s roommate was to spray paint her pumps. Stormy had very large male feet and could only find one pair of pumps that fit. So, being an innovative and fashion-forward queen, she bought cans of spray paint in every color of the rainbow.

On her way home each day, she would think about what gown to wear out that night. Once the decision was made, she would call AM and tell him what color to spray the pumps. Because, of course, the shoes must always match the dress. AM hated spray painting those pumps. They were old, crusty and had layers upon layers of paint on them. But Stormy was paying the majority of the rent so AM had to suck it up.

Stormy sometimes came to the hotel with her life partner. They seemed like a pretty happy couple until one night when they had a vicious argument sitting at my bar. Stormy waved me over …

Stormy: That’s it. I’ve had it. We can’t be together anymore.

Me: Sorry to hear that. Maybe you two can work it out.

Stormy (gesturing to partner): He feels the same way. We’re just not good together.

Me: That’s a shame.

Stormy: But there’s a problem. We can’t just break up.

Me: Why?

Stormy: Because we had a commitment ceremony! We have to break our union officially.

Me: Okaaaaay …

Stormy: Well, you’re gonna have to do it.

Me: Do what?

Stormy: Perform the divorce ceremony, missy!

Me: Here?

Stormy: Yes.

Me: Now?

Stormy: Yes! Yes! Yes! I can’t stand to be in this relationship for one more second!

Drag queens can be pretty stubborn. Once I realized there was no getting out of it, I decided I needed to do it right. So I said a few poetic words about love coming to an end and then snapped my fingers three times in a very gay fashion. “You’re now divorced,” I said dramatically.

The queens were quite satisfied with the performance. So I bought them a round of shots to toast their new lives.

Other random hotel highlights:

  1. My hotel maintenance worker — a 6’6″ gay man with bleached blonde hair — used to be the headlining Chippendales dancer.
  2. I still have the earring that the German band Nena (who sang 99 Red Balloons) gave me.
  3. Librarians and Avon ladies are the biggest drinkers and wildest partiers.
  4. My boss’s dad was a CIA agent.
  5. A cute boy that I worked and “spent time” with, went on to star on Guiding Light.

It’s treasures like this that make me realize bartending can be the greatest profession on earth.

Ya just never know what you’re gonna get.

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Comments
  1. Pretty says:

    How true is this one! All in one night I’ve had a creepy dude filing his nails asking me for my number, a domestic in the corner, 3 super hot drunk chicks who leave a shoe at the bar…who leaves 1 shoe at the bar??? Funny….

    • divebardiva says:

      Oh I walked by that shoe on my way in to the bar that weekend…all I could think was that you had to be really shitfaced to lose just one shoe…

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