Reality is Driving Me to Drink

Posted: April 28, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay people this is the dealio: There are a few things in this world that make drinking pleasurable. You can probably agree that, patio drinks on a nice day are fantastic — and drinks anywhere near a beach cannot be beat.

There are also sporting events, concerts, nice dinners, double-coupon day at the grocery store, and a cold one after mowing the lawn. Now, all of these things are perfectly acceptable reasons to throw a few back. And damn it, it is our right as humans to do so.

However, there are times in life where drinking is not an option but more of a necessity. Days that are so bad that you need to crawl into a bottle of wine and never come out. Sadly, sometimes days turn into weeks and the problems just pile up.

I have to recommend at this point that if you are really and truly depressed, massive amounts of any depressant are really not going to help you. I recommend yoga and hanging with your friends, shooting guns or maybe pretending like you are back in high school and burnin one.

People come into my bar for all these reasons — girls’ night out, a birthday gathering or to be with friends after a long day that has sucked donkey dick.

But this is not the point to my little tale today. The point is there are things out there that make you so freakin violent that drinking is a necessity. It’s a little something called Reality TV.

I know this is a slight departure from our usual douchetales, but it’s called Daily Ramblings for a reason. And today, this is what’s churning in my pretty little head.

Now I am not referring to your American Idols or Amazing Races. Anybody with a talent or stamina that I will never possess is interesting television to me. The following are a list of things that I do NOT find entertaining. And if I’m forced to watch, then I’m going to need something to numb the pain.

1. Rich bitches with too much plastic surgery who are devoid of personality and class.

2. Skanky bitches wearing clothes that are too tight, riding around in limos who can’t hold their liquor and fight like girls.

3. Anything involving New Jersey.

4. Any commercials or other shows involving said New Jersey folk.

*Sidenote: Going on t.v. – Ronnie from Jersey Shore – and telling people you are ‘keepin it real’ by ingesting legal speed to make you not want to eat is actually the equivalent of ‘keepin it real’ by shooting up steriods, which clearly you are no stranger to.

5. Brides competing for not only the perfect wedding but an assload of plastic surgery to go with it.

6. Shows about how difficult it is to be a mother at 15. (Well hey master of the fucking obvious, I’m gonna have to say, “No shit.”)

7. Programs about rich people trying to find their soul mates when clearly, a lack of soul is going to be the problem.

8. Any show where women with an apparent lack of self esteem vie for a single rose from a guy so self involved he thinks that television is a good place to find the love of his life.

And finally

9. Any show where they are sucking fat out of people and putting it into a garbage receptacle…it’s just wrong and no one needs to see that…EVER.

So, that’s it for my rant on bad and unintelligent television. It really does make me need a drink when I realize how shallow and horrible we can be as human beings.

Really people, all we worry about sometimes is what star is doing what to whom and thinking that one cut of a knife can make us perfect. How about not being a douche? Why don’t we just start with that?

Do we really need to constantly be caring about Lindsay Lohan? She is a sad little girl with horrible parents from who she is clearly still begging for attention. Instead of getting Lindsay some actual help, you just hang around Cali hoping for a camera to see you walking out of court or rehab being the ideal parents showing your undying support. Giving interviews about all you have done for her, all the while smiling at Larry King or whomever the hell else you’ve gotten to interview your stupid media-whoring ass.

Thankfully there are some truly entertaining reality shows about drag queens (can I get a Hallelooo?), great singers, fantastic chefs, designers, unbelievable athletes and people who are truly trying to better themselves. Not that a glass of wine or two doesn’t go with these shows as well but at least I don’t have to drink until it doesn’t hurt.

And we can probably still get episodes of 21 Jump Street on DVD or Hulu. Oh Johnny Depp, how I have always loved thee.

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