Waitron Drama: It May Not Be Rocket Science…But Apparently It’s Still Too Difficult For You

Posted: May 17, 2011 by divebardiva in Common Sense ... Not So Common

Okay people, here it is…you all know how much I love working at my current dive bar locale. I work with some amazing peeps, kitchen and waitstaff alike. However, this has not always been the case.

Now I am not talking about the unbelievably cute gay boy who asked me how to make a scotch and soda. That just comes with being so hot that the smaller things in life are just confusing. These are just a few cases of dumbass that are so ridiculous even I can’t make that shit up.

So, let us look at some of the real winners shall we?

1. This is your waitress. This is your waitress on drugs.

A waitress who was so cracked out that after she ordered 18 drinks, and I put them all in order on her tray, she picked one up and inadvertently set it by the phone when it rang. Said waitress then proceeded to argue with me for 8 minutes that I had not made the J&B and soda.

I found the drink, gave her the “you-are-an-idiot look” and turned to wait on someone else. Three seconds elapsed before I heard a loud crash. Every drink I had just prepared was lying broken on the floor as crackalackadingdong could not manage to hold the tray.

Now, I get it that everyone has a bad night. But sometimes dumbass takes the lead in a person’s life and there is no going back. There is no fucking cure for dumbass…period and end of discussion.

So girlfriend wants me to remake all of the drinks. And, of course, I have to do so because it’s for a table.

However, there is something that needs to be said. I cannot abide a waitress (or waiter) who loses me money. I always try to put my waitstaff first and foremost, to which anyone who has ever worked with me will attest. However, if I’m constantly having to babysit you or your tables, I’m losing money — and in turn patience with you.

In the end, waitress made a fatal mistake. After I remade the drinks and brought them to the table myself, she thought it was about time to give me a piece of her mind — which was so lacking, it was like having a duel with an unarmed man.

This is how it played out.

High & Stupid: You know, you don’t have to make me feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.

Me: You clearly do NOT know what you are doing.

H&S: You just think that because I told on your boyfriend for drinking, and he got fired.

Me: No, I think that because it’s true. You getting someone fired for drinking by ratting them out while you’re as high as a kite just makes you an asshole, a hypocrite and a bitch…not an incompetent waitress.

H&S: Well, what can I do about that now?

Me: Go into the back…find a couple of Valium or something to calm your crackhead ass down, and then return to your tables without chewing your lips off or generally just tweaking out. Do ya think you can manage that?

H&S: Yes.

Me: Okay, I’ll cover your tables till then.

Seriously people, if you cannot handle your drugs, then save them for a night when you’ll be at home. I personally cannot smoke when I work. I make Tanqueray and Tonics, and no one has ordered them. I cannot do my job; therefore, I pass on the grass whilst working. It’s not rocket science people…it’s really not.

2. Calling in sick woulda been sufficient.

Ah … the constantly-trying-to-go-home waitress. Every shift you have comes after a weekend night, and you need to get someone to cover because you’re too hungover to make it into work.

My dear old dad always told me, “Kid, if you are gonna be worth your salt, ya show up for every shift. I don’t care if you have to throw up a couple of times once you get there…if you’re a professional, you show up.”

Here is how a little bit of that worked out.

Clueless & Annoying: I think I have a fever.

Me (touching her head): Nope you don’t.

C&A: My head is really hurting. I think there might be something wrong with me.

Me: Well, that kinda goes without saying at this point, but you look fine.

C&A (after spending 15 minutes texting and smoking a cigarette out back): I’m really not feeling well.

She stands at the waitress station, and when I turn back from getting her a beer, she has apparently fainted. Yes, you heard me correctly: She feigned fainting.

C&A: Wow, I don’t know what happened. Maybe I should go home…

Me: You are worthless. Go home…it would be better to have no waitress, than you. While you’re there maybe you should think about trying to find a job that suits you better. One where showing up and working really isn’t that important.

Again, it may sound harsh, but show up for your shit and work. You want people to stop acting like being a server doesn’t demand respect or involve skills? Then take some fucking pride in what you do, and command the respect you deserve.

Now there are a few other types that I would like to point out are no good for a business either and they are as follows.

  • The shit starter (causes problems with staff and customers on a regular basis)
  • The thief (constantly calls beers and drinks, pretending you forgot to make them, or that they will ring them in later)
  • The cheapskate (doesn’t tip out the bartender or the kitchen peeps and bussers)
  • The whiner (no tips are ever good enough, her life sucks wah wah wah)
  • The flirt (no other tables matter if there is a hot person in your section)
So that’s it peeps. It isn’t rocket science but it does take some skill, a little finesse and some fucking commonsense. If you feel as if you might be lacking in any or all of these qualities, serving cocktails just might not be for you.
  1. Tater Paul says:

    As someone who spends my fair share of time across the bar from you hard working folks i would like to say that this is just as obvious to me(us). just a little thanks for all the make up work you do to cover for the lazy people in life and for making my life a little eaiser

    • divebardiva says:

      It is always a pleasure Tater…and thank you for the unbelievably entertaining “Tragedy At The Strip Club.” You are a pleasure to wait on AND drink with!

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