You Ask, We Answer: Stalkers Anyone?

Posted: May 19, 2011 by divebardiva in Q&A: Ask Your Bartender

Okay people. It is time in the week for another rousing edition of  “Ask Your Bartender.” You know, that time when I can’t think of anything to say so we take questions from our loving readers. I have to apologize in advance for the lack of amazing editing this week (and the one following) but my editor extraordinaire has left the building. Her job sometimes requires she travel to exotic locales (Chicago) and in turn, means that you guys have to deal with my poor punctuation and run-on sentences. It won’t kill ya, just try to breathe through it.

Also, as some of you may not be friends of mine on facebook, I am throwing a link up that I hope you will all take a minute and donate. It’s easy as pie and it is for one of my awesome friends. You know you bitches have money, so let’s just take that Starbucks cash for the day or week…whatever you can spare…and support my peep who is pedaling to Alaska for cancer research.

Seriously people, if nothing else do it cause it will make you feel better about yourself…those of you who feel good about themselves already? Congrats. Now do it cause I said so dammit! Thanks to everyone for your support, here and there! Love you bitches to death!

So now that I am done bossin you bitches around…it is time for our questions of the week.

1. So, I have heard some bartenders have “groupies”…have you ever had an unwelcome one? A bar stalker?

A: Why yes, yes I have.

On a serious note I do not recommend letting customers in your life until you truly know them. Be safe and smart by not telling people what kind of car you drive or where you live. 

Sometimes bar stalkers are great. They show up for your shifts and are normally a welcome addition to the evening. They can also be called regulars. The difference between stalkers and regulars is that a regular will come in any and sometimes every day no matter who is working. Stalkers come to see you on your shifts and sometimes, that is all.

Occasionally weird is just fucking weird and you have to deal with people who are just coming in to make lewd remarks while you grit your teeth and smile because it’s your job. Sometimes it’s just an old man who comes in everyday and asks for bullets and drinks a couple of PBR’s in a can while you pretend to look for them. The fact remains that if you have someone that goes out of their way to come and see you and give you their hard earned money…that is a good thing. That person pays your electric for the month. However, if someone is waiting at your car when you leave or god forbid at your apartment when you get home…this is a problem and you should not take it lightly.

Ladies here is a little bit of advice: If one of us wanted to go home with a cute boy from the bar on any given night that we were working or perhaps just visiting we always got ID. Now I don’t mean carding a fella…I mean taking his license and telling him he can come pick it up tomorrow when your girlfriend arrives back safely. It may seem excessive but I used to work at a little dive in NYC and years after I was gone, a bartender went home with a customer who stabbed her repeatedly and killed her. As horrifying as it is…it can and does happen anywhere so take care of each other!

2. What are the “must-haves” for a great dive bar?

A: First of all, ya’ll know how I feel about uniforms, generic crap on the walls and fucking flair…so I will not insult anyone’s intelligence by even discussing these. I think a great dive bar serves a good drink. They start you off with a barn burner and dial it back from there. I like some smart talk in my dives. Whether it be from a crazy old man regular or a sassy bartender smart talk is essential.

I also love memorabilia if it is actually pertinent to the actual bar…pictures of regulars or drunken golf tourneys. The current bartender and the bar cat wearing matching outfits (don’t laugh cause I have one…thanks Jerome). And finally, low lighting people…that’s right bitches, you think everyone doesn’t need low lighting? Try drinking in a Legion or trying on a bathing suit at Sears…it ain’t pretty my friends.

Lastly, the dives I love are usually a little dirty, a lot divey and a place that I feel proud to call home. They don’t always smell the best or are a little dusty but the beer is ALWAYS cold, the staff are smart and funny…or so bitter that you find it funny, and the customers are usually hard working, hard drinkin professionals who are dive bar entertainment personified.

3. What are the strangest things that people have left at your bar?

A: Okay this is actually a great question with so many answers it’s not even funny so I will just make a little list for ya!

  • Pants
  • Teeth
  • Panties
  • Bra
  • Shoe (not 2 mind you…just the one)
  • Fake boob (not even kidding)
  • A tooth (not so much left but a testament not to mess with your bartender)
  • A bad wig with 3 fake nails in it (word to the wise…NEVER get in the middle of 2 tranny’s fighting)
  • And lastly…more biohazardous material then any human who has never worked in a hospital should EVER encounter.
So that’s it folks…please please please sign up for the blog at the end of this very long page if you have not done so already. Donate to Pedaling for Pennies. Kiss someone. No really, do it. Make your friends sign up whether they want to or not. No really, do it. And finally, thanks for just being the bomb-ass peeps that you are!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s