You Ask, We Answer: Clown Town and Panty-Dropping Pickup Lines that Actually Worked

Posted: June 3, 2011 by divebardiva in Q&A: Ask Your Bartender

Okay people, today is one of your favorite posts (and mine): Ask your bartender! I look forward to this weekly Q&A for a myriad of reasons. Those who know me are pretty much aware of my occasional laziness. Other than that, I kinda like the interactive process of our loyal readers asking questions and me trying to pull some answers outta my ass.

So, let’s get started shall we?

Q: I’ve been reading the blog for a while now. Where the hell is Clown Town?

A: Well folks, Clown Town is in Zimmerman, MN. And while we love to poke fun of it, I have tons of beautiful friends and long-time customers who live there. I have spent every Saturday night for the past six years working in different “Clown Town” bars — and getting paid very well for it.

Let’s face facts here: Every town has the possibility of being a Clown Town. Especially when you live in a state where drinking is a national pastime.

Q: If you get truly shit service is it okay to stiff your bartender?

A: This one is difficult for me. First of all, I am one of the pickiest people in the world when it comes to service. I’m always looking at the little things … the minute details that other people don’t tend to notice.

I couldn’t care less if you grab olives for my martini with your fingers. However, if it isn’t the way I asked for it — drop of vermouth and dirty — I am sorely disappointed and will probably never order a martini from you again.

I personally don’t ever stiff anyone. I find it bad bartender karma. If I get bad service — which I rarely do as I know most of the bartenders who wait on me — I will tip 15%. It may sound weird, but I usually tip 30% … so 15% is a bitch slap in the face when it’s coming from me.

I’ve recently been forced to be waited on (if you can call it that) by a new bartender at one of my favorite watering holes. This person has less-than-zero personality and is normally more concerned with texting and eating than servicing my needs. This will not stand my friends…it will not stand. That being said, I still have never stiffed his non-bartending ass.

Q: What pick-up lines have worked on you?

A: Hmmm … well, here are just a few off the top of my head:

  • I’m moving to Italy in two days.
  • My shore leave ends tomorrow.
  • You don’t have to choose…you can have us both.
  • I am the official welcoming committee for Ireland.
  • I’m a scientist, and I’m working on making my hypothesis into theory. If two sexy people rub themselves together really fast, do they spontaneously combust?

That last one made me laugh so hard that beer came out my nose. I gotta tell ya, I’m a sucker for a guy who can make me laugh. The rest of the ones I listed will pretty much work on any recently divorced twenty-something. And by recently divorced twenty-something…I clearly meant me.

Well that’s it for this week, my friends. I think that we will be permanently moving the “You Ask, We Answer” to Fridays as that will give you bitches time to get all of your questions together and send them along.

Have a good weekend peeps, and if something ridiculous happens to you…PLEASE share! Click on “Submit Your Shit” above and let loose.

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