I Don’t Know Who Peed in Your Stuffing but You’re Being a Total Douche

Posted: June 5, 2011 by VT in Daily Ramblings

At Bar Trash, we love our douchetales. It never ceases to amaze us what these zits on the face of society will do to ruin a great time.

Now, the divebardiva and I have met MORE than our fair share of assholes. But one definitely stands out from the pack and takes home the not-so-coveted trophy for biggest douche of all time.

(Some of you may remember that the diva mentioned this moron briefly in a previous post, but she and I both thought we needed to expand on the story. We know our loyal and lovely readers want to hear the whole sordid tale.)

When the divebardiva lived in Atlanta, we had an annual Thanksgiving tradition. I would fly up for the long weekend to spend some quality time with the diva, her sister (5 Dog Fabulous) and my other ATL buddies.

5 Dog — the divebardiva’s equally gorgeous but even bitchier (if you can believe it) sister — would make us the most amazing meal. We’d drink beer all day and then sit down to a heavenly feast.

Once dinner was over, it would be time to party. The second half of our Thanksgiving tradition consisted of going to the strip club where 5 Dog waitressed … drinking like a fish with the beautiful strippers … and then heading over to Backstreet for Charlie Brown’s Cabaret: The Best Damn Drag Show In Atlanta!

Now strippers and drag queens might not be on everyone’s must-do list for a great turkey day, but they were definitely on ours. And really people, don’t knock it till ya try it! Sure beats staying at home watching Uncle Ernie sit on the couch, scratching his balls and burping giblets.

So on this particular year, 5 Dog had a new boyfriend who lived in Tennessee. And he was going to fly down to spend Thanksgiving with his honey. Oh, and he was going to bring his roommate who none of us had met yet.

Here’s how the evening progressed …

The guys show up at the apartment around 5, just in time for the delectable dinner. And I have to tell you: They are both lovely. Really cute southern boys with loads of charm. I think to myself that this might just be the most memorable Thanksgiving night EVER.

Turns out I was right … but for all the wrong reasons.

After dinner, we all get ready to hit the town. Before we leave, we have a heart-to-heart with the boys. We know that some guys have problems with gay bars, and we didn’t want to put anyone in a situation where they aren’t comfortable. Both boys assure us they’re down with the plan and excited for the night.

So we head to the strip club where we’re whisked into the Cheetah’s VIP room. (It really is who you know that matters.) We drink for free and pass the savings on to the dancers. Booze and cash are flowing like nobody’s business.

Then we’re ready to hit Backstreet. 5 Dog and her boyfriend decide to stop by the apartment before heading over. 5 Dog says she wants to “freshen up” — but we know she wants to get freaky with her long-distance boytoy. So diva and I tell the roommate he can go with us.

We go to the club — using our VIP passes to skip the line — and head to the bar. By this time, we’ve all had several cocktails, and Diva and I are in total happy-party mode. We’re ordering drinks when roomie suddenly starts being incredibly rude and nasty to the lovely bartender. It’s completely out of the blue. I don’t know if he’s just a mean drunk or — more likely — uncomfortable with his latent homosexual tendencies.

Regardless, Diva and I are pretty miffed about the situation, and she gives me the “this-asshole-better-straighten-up-pronto-or-I’m-gonna-judo-chop-his-fucking-throat” look. It’s a patented Diva look and one I’ve witnessed on more than a few occasions.

Roomie continues to be rude to the bartender and then starts in with gay slurs. That was the final straw. Diva sticks her finger in his face and tells him to shut the fuck up or he’ll have to tell his mom he got his ass kicked by a girl. Then she gestures for me to walk to the other side of the club with her. I know she’s close to her boiling point and needs a cool-down period.

She walks off, but I decide to stay and have some fun with him. Here’s how our conversation goes:

Evil and homophobic: I can’t believe you bitches would take me to such a filthy place with such disgusting people.

Me (laughing): You have a really small penis, don’t you?

E&H: You’re total whores for bringing me here.

Me (still laughing): Wow, it must be even smaller than I thought.

E&H: Your families should be embarassed of you.

Me (now singing): Teeny tiny, teensy-weensy, little pecker.

This went on for a while. The more pissed he got, the more I laughed and made fun of his penis. And the more I made fun of his penis, the madder he got. It was magical. (For the record, I never saw his member. But it was pretty obvious to me that he was suffering from tiny-penis syndrome.)

About that time, 5 Dog and her boyfriend arrive at the club. 5 Dog takes one look at the Diva’s face and asks, “What the fuck is going on?” The divebardiva pulls her aside to tell her the deal. When 5 Dog returns, she tells the roommate it’s time to leave.

5 Dog drives him back to the apartment, and roomie thinks he’s going to bed. But 5 Dog had a different plan. She tells him a cab is on its way, and he better pack his shit. Roomie is incredulous and tells her he has no place to go.

“Not my problem,” she says. “The cab’s taking your loser ass back to the airport. No one treats my sister and my friend that way.”

Sidenote: In case I haven’t mentioned this, the divebardiva’s sis is a no-nonsence, bad-ass bitch. And I adore her!

The roomie stumbles around, trying to find all his stuff. The cab arrives, and Miss 5 Dog accompanies him outside.

“Your douchebag behavior just earned you a whirlwind tour of Atlanta,” she says as he gets into the taxi. “Good day.”

Then 5 Dog returns to the club, and we party till dawn with the drag queens — laughing our asses off at that jackhole the entire time.

We were just thankful he was gone. And isn’t being thankful what the holiday is all about?

(Later, we found out that the douche had a lot of problems getting a flight out — it was Thanksgiving weekend, after all — and he had to spend over 14 hours in the terminal. Hee hee hee.)

Grow Old Disgracefully,
Vodka Toxic

  1. divebardiva says:

    This story makes me so very happy. My sister really is a bad-ass bitch! Those Thanksgivings were really the very best of times…

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