No Sex, No Booze, No Sugar, No Caffeine…No Freakin Way!

Posted: June 9, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay people, here’s what it boils down to today. After a weekend of fun and frivolity, I have found myself with some ailments.

Normally, nothing is strong enough to live in the alcohol-infused environment that I call my body. But apparently, some infections have superhero strength and can even survive in my toxic system. So, for the next five days the doc says that I am not allowed to have the following:

  • ALCOHOL
  • SUGAR
  • CAFFEINE
  • And, lord help me, SEX!!!!!!

Now, I can easily do without one of the four, maybe even two (as long as they’re not sex and booze). But all four?!!? The shit is about to get ugly around here.

I went into work last night, and I realized that for one thing…I love beer. And it’s hard to keep serving it over and over and not REALLY want one. But I was victorious and made through the night (albeit a short shift) without imbibing in any of the forbidden malt-liquor fruit.

I have to work again tonight — and then on Saturday and Sunday, as well. Thankfully, I’ve warned my customers that by Sunday, they may want to avoid me like the plague. I like to warn people when a storm of that magnitude is gonna be blowin through town.

My bitterness tempered with humor will be completely replaced by flat-out bitterness. Well, that’s not exactly true. I actually become a lot funnier as the bitterness fully sets in. So by Sunday, I am gonna be one funny and bitter bitch. So stay tuned, people, cause the storm is a comin.

Oh yeah and my bitterness for today: The Kardashians — fucking morons. As I’m laid up in bed and watching the Food Network, I switch and hit whatever channel plays that show and this is what I hear:

Idiot #1 whose name starts with K: “Well, my agent asked me if I wanted to do One Life to Live.”
Idiot #2 whose name also starts with K: “You mean they wrote a part just for you?”
Idiot #1: “Yeah, but I’m worried because I don’t know how to act. And at the end of the scene, I have to kiss a guy, and I’m wondering if that would make me a whore or something.”

The fact that these people have a show … the fact that people watch it … the fact that anyone finds it entertaining enough for there to be more than one season … All of these things have me wondering what the hell is wrong with us that we are willing to pay idiots to be idiots on television.

– Porn, I understand.
– Lifetime movies, I understand.
– The Food Network, I TOTALLY understand.
– Reality television when there is nothing “real” about it? Beyond me.

I’m sorry, what? You didn’t come to BarTrash to read about my hatred of a reality TV show? Well, excuuuuse me! I CAN’T HAVE ALCOHOL, SUGAR, CAFFEINE OR SEX FOR FIVE FUCKING DAYS! So the fact that you wanted me to write about a douchbag customer or a bar catfight really doesn’t rank high on my list right now.

🙂

Okay, that’s my short rant for today. If anyone has any tips on how I can possibly survive the next five days, pleeeeeeeeze share! And be sure to get your questions in for “Ask Your Bartender” on Friday.  As always … thanks for playing!

With (no) love and (no) liquor,
divebardiva

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