You Ask, We Answer: Drinking Games, Trannies & Tips

Posted: June 10, 2011 by divebardiva in Q&A: Ask Your Bartender

Okay people, we all know that drinking like a rock star and having to pee every 10 minutes is just part of the deal. But when you’re drinking your body weight in water instead of beer, it becomes more than a little annoying.

While I’m feeling quite a bit better than I was — and probably healthier due to massive water intake and no sugar, caffeine or booze — the massive daily headaches leave a bit to be desired. Maybe it’s crazy, but if I’m gonna have a mind-numbing hangover headache, I’d like to be hungover. At least then I had some fun the night before.

So clearly, since today is “Ask Your Bartender” day, it’s all workin in my favor. I don’t have too much work to do and can just address ya’lls lovely questions. And then get my hot ass back to sleepin off these ridiculous meds. So let’s get on with it then, shall we?

Q: If you could bring three things to a bar, what would they be?

A: Well, this is actually a really fun question. I have this amazing friend Mr. Parx who is also a loyal Bar Trash follower (just one of the many reasons I love him). Anyhow, many years ago when we all lived and drank in the ATL we frequented a little haunt called Atkins Park.

Atkins is a great neighborhood bar — and although it has gotten a little fratish for my taste — we had a large reunion there a couple years ago and it was just like old times. My favorite bartenders and customers and a room full of old friends. It was spectacular.

But I digress, getting back to my friend Mr. Parx. He loved games. All sorts of games … from chess to barrel o monkeys. And he would always have a game on hand. We turned everything (except chess) into a drinking game. And it was always a total and complete blast.

Speaking of drinking games — we used to play a game called Pigs at The Roxy. And my sister, 5 Dog fabulous made me a drinking board game fashioned after the movie Tombstone. It was the BEST fucking birthday present EVER! She got the idea from a game that Mr. Parx, Skater Punk, Frenchie and a few other college chums created called “Captain Ahab’s Bunghole.”

Drinking games are fantastic fun. So I think that definitely tops the list of things I would bring to the bar.

Sidenote: My lovely friend Holla and I had a great teacher who actually allowed us to make a drinking game for school which earned us an “A” for the semester. It was fashioned after “The Big Lebowski.” And because they are lovely, Mr. Parx and Skater worked diligently for no academic credit whatsoever, on a game that is downright fan-fucking-tastic.

I believe the second thing that I would bring would be a pen or sharpie. (For the sharpie reasoning, please see a past post called Angel Boob vs. Devil Boob.) The pen reasoning is just common sense. I always like to have something on hand to write down a hottie’s number, a good idea, a bartender’s name or a drink recipe. I also have a tendency to see some really bad behavior from the seated side of the bar which makes for good blog copy. Yes, a pen is essential.

And last but not least: Tipping cash. It’s fine if you want to run a tab and use a debit card — as long as you’re not an ass and want me to run it every time you order. However, most bars make servers and bartenders claim all of their charge tips. I have even heard of places that put your charge tips on a check and you only receive them with your paychecks. That is no bueno people. No frickin bueno!  So cash, and plenty of it, would be item number three!

I will add that when I’m bartending, my three essentials are (in no particular order):

  1. My Becks bottle opener
  2. My Kershaw pocket knife
  3. Band-Aides.

Red lipstick doesn’t hurt either…just in case.

Q: Have you ever had to confront anyone for getting a little too frisky in the bar?

A: First of all, let me say that I love your use of the word “frisky.” Much like dreamboat, frisky is a word that has fallen by the wayside for no good reason at all. The answer to your question is a yes, upon a yes, upon a yes.

As I’ve mentioned before, I used to work in this great little dive in NYC called The Red Light. The Red Light was frequented by music greats, stars, agents, artists and regular folk. It was also frequented by tranny hookers. I loved New York for this reason. People don’t hate for race, religion or sexual proclivity. They hate ya cause you’re an asshole…period and end of discussion.

So to continue, I’ve walked in on more than a few blowjobs in the Red Light’s bathroom. This is how I handled one particular situation with a “lady” of the night.

Me: When you’re finished in here…I need to talk with you.

T.H.: Okay doll, be done in a jiffy. (Jiffy … also a word I like)

Me: I’m gonna need you to spread the word on this because I hate repeating myself.

T.H. Can do, girl.

Did I mention how agreeable tranny hookers are?

Me: Hey, I know you ladies are workin hard out there. And I get it. However, I’m also working hard in here. So we we need to set some rules.

Rule #1: If you’re coming in to use the facilities, you need to be purchasing a drink.

Rule #2: Ya’ll need to tip. You’re making money, and I should be too.

And rule #3: These transactions are a one-at-a-time deal and need to be held in the men’s room. I need at least the ladies room open for people who actually have to pee. Does that sound fair?

T.H.: That sounds like a wonderfully fair exchange, you gorgeous thing.

Did I also mention how sweet T.H. are? Look we’re all learning! Isn’t it fun?

Now there have more than enough cases of too much PDA in other bars where I’ve worked, including hands down the pants, up the skirt, etc. But it’s a bar so who fuckin cares? Besides, I try not to judge as I’ve had more than my fair share of action in more than my fair share of bars.

Nobody ever kicked me out or scolded me. So I figure it’s only good karma to respond in kind.

Q: Has anyone tipped you with something other than cash?

A: Yes actually. I have a ton of shiny things that people bring me for my shiny-things bag … but this is usually IN ADDITION to cash. But here’s a list of things that were given in lieu of:

  • Hat
  • Poetry
  • Lotto Tickets
  • Jewelry
  • Kisses
  • A Cat o Nine Tails Whip (to this day, one of my favorite tips)

So that’s it for today, folks. Please keep sending in your questions so I don’t have to think too hard on Fridays.

Love and still no fucking liquor,

😦

divebardiva

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Comments
  1. Mr. Parx says:

    Actually, chess makes an awesome drinking game, that, if you have a bit of a head for strategy, makes a great equalizer against better players. Each piece has point value, and one must drink the value of each capture. Thus, taking a pawn requires also taking a drink, a rook, five drinks, and a queen, nine. A well-timed queen sacrifice can blur your opponent’s vision enough to swathe game in your favor. Still, Barrel o’ Monkeys may be the greatest created-on-the-fly drinking game in the entire history of Ever and Always. Thanks for the shout out, Toots.

    Best,
    Mr. Parx

  2. Mr. Parx says:

    “enough to sway the game”

    Stupid iPad.

    • divebardiva says:

      I so agree about Barrel o’ Monkeys. Many the afternoon was spent at that endeavor. As far as chess goes, I think I will have to learn to play first and then take on the drinking game aspects at a later date.

      Best back atcha!
      divebardiva

  3. Vodka Toxic says:

    Mr. Parx — I hope I get to meet you and play drunken barrel o monkeys someday. You are fantastic!

    • divebardiva says:

      Actually Ms. Toxic you have played Captain Ahabs Bunghole – and wore an eyepatch while doing so – with said, Mr. Parx. However, Barrel o’ Monkeys is still in order someday in the future 🙂 I am thinking next years birthday locale may be Savannah the Barrel o’ Monkeys capital!

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