Don’t Hand Me No Lines … And Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Posted: June 13, 2011 by VT in Viva La Douche

Thank you, Server X for this post! We love you … and your Bar Trash contributions!

Okay, so I know I’m fairly new to the bar show — and I’m slightly naive about things. But one thing that I just cannot shake lately is how people treat servers. When did they become pieces of meat? How are any of these scenarios considered appropriate in the slightest?

#1: DO NOT make the mistake of thinking our assets are on the menu.

I was working in our fabulous bar one Friday evening with one of my favorite waitresses … for this post we’ll call her Kim. So Kim and I are having a grand ole time at work.

  • The evening is going ridiculously smooth.
  • We have a great crowd.
  • We’re making money.

How can things go wrong? Well I will tell ya: All you need to do is throw one douche in the mix, and it messes up everything.

About halfway though the evening, I look over at Kim and see that she is clearly uncomfortable.

“What’s going on?” I ask.

“There’s this guy who WILL NOT leave me alone,” she replies. And for sweet, sweet Kim to raise her voice is definitely an alarm. But any whoo, she points him out, and I tell her that I’ll keep an eye on him and let him know he needs to behave.

Next, I see her delivering drinks to the guy’s table. He attempts an ass-grab avalanche and a boob-grab. So I walk over and (not so kindly) let the ass clown know that he needs to leave Kim alone.

His response to this was, “I didn’t do anything wrong.” He then followed up that comment by turning to Kim and yelling at her that she “tattled” on him.

So I look the ass clown in the eye and say, “No, she said nothing to me. It was your not-so-subtle sexual assault that drew me over here. So keep your fucking hands off my waitress or get the fuck out.”

Needless to say, he didn’t take kindly to this and proceeded to throw a fit which eventually led to him getting cut off and booted out.

#2. DO NOT pretend to be a gynecologist.

So I work with some babes, barely 18, who are extremely shy and new to the business. I was working with adorable jail bait C. Now C comes up to me looking as though she did something wrong. My initial reaction was, “Shit. I don’t want to see her get fired. She has potential.”

Turns out, the night before, one of our regulars — who I personally think is an oxygen thief —  got a whole handful of C. And in the words of the DiveBarDiva, “It woulda made her gynecologist jealous.”

C felt bad and didn’t think it was appropriate to file a complaint with our boss because she didn’t know if she had to accept that sort of behavior as a waitress. And this is why she came to me.

I tell her, “Under no circumstance is sexual assault okay. This will be dealt with … and next time DO NOT be afraid to tell your bartender. They will always have your back.”

So what do you know, 15 minutes later that regular strolls in like clock work. It was quite difficult for me to maintain my calm, but I did amazingly well. I walk up to him and calmly say, “If you cannot keep your hands to yourself then we just don’t need your business.”

He replies, “What are you talking about?”

I say, “Well you grabbed C’s ass last night, and it made her feel very uncomfortable. I just can’t stand for that.”

He proceeds to laugh hysterically and say, “Oh yeah. Okay. Whatever.” DOUCHE!

#3. DO NOT confuse us with pole dancers.

Finally, I’m working in our fantastic Tiki bar, and I have a group of 12 guys from a bachelor party. They’re all having fun and not being douches at all. But then a young guy comes out and asks me to turn up the radio. This involves me climbing up on a chair.

Immediately after I turn up the radio, he says (like a 13-year-old boy), “I just wanted to see your butt.” Really?!

So a couple minutes later, this same young guy realizes that there’s a bachelor party and wants to buy drinks for the whole group and put it on his credit card. Now this is the Tiki bar’s one and only downfall: It doesn’t have a credit card terminal.

So I tell him, “I’m sorry, dear. I can’t accept cards out here. It’s a cash only bar.”

His response? “Then you’ll just have to fucking strip for our drink money.”

I immediately respond with, “Sweets, first of all I’m neither a whore or a stripper. And second of all, remember who has the power to cut you off and kick your ass out.”

Trying to dissolve the tension, one of the sober bachelor party members turns to the guy and says very calm and kindly, “Dude, she’s a lady. You have to treat her with some respect. Now I know you’re young but…”

Before the nice guy could finish his sentence, the young guy blurts out, “You calling me a fucking youngin? You call me a youngin one more time, and I’m gonna kick your ass. Shorty fucking shorty.”

This was followed by a push and a hit from “youngin.” This ends up in a 7-man brawl which I disperse quickly. And one can only guess what happened next. That’s right! He got cut off and kicked out.

Now I know I called this behavior sexual assault … and that’s exactly what it is. No one wants to be groped while they’re doing their job. Waitresses and bartenders are just like everyone else in every other profession — they’re just trying to pay their bills.

The main difference is that they’re dealing with drunks whose common sense goes out the window when they’ve had one too many Chuck Norris’s. You don’t walk up to someone on the street and grab their ass, because that leads to an arrest … so why do people do that to servers?

I can guarantee that 95% of the time, if you think that a sever is flirting with you, they’re not. They’re being nice because IT IS THEIR JOB. So, just a note for all you douches out there who think it’s okay to sexual assault whomever you please:

I will find you and beat you down.

Do situations like this completely and utterly piss you off? Tell us about it in Submit Your Shit above!

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