Letters from a Pissed-Off Server: Chantilly Lace and Separate Checks

Posted: June 15, 2011 by VT in Daily Ramblings

Thank you O’Jaded One for this great post! Next time, try not to hold back on your true feelings. 😉 We love ya and your Bar Trash contributions!

Dear 70th Birthday Lunch Ladies,
All of you have ordered a decaf coffee and a pasta for lunch. Is it REALLY necessary for you to have split checks? To save you 22 cents, I have depleted the Rain Forest of 171 trees and sacrificed enough of my own sanity to fuel the Village Idiot for a solid six months.

P.S.  Please lay off the perfume bottle… the dining room smelled like ‘Old Ladies” for 4 hours after you left and I now have a migraine.

Dear Bridge-Playing Lunch People,
Bridge? Really? Are you 240 years old?  Who the hell still plays Bridge?! Anyhoo, when your server is CLEARLY getting her ass kicked, it is NOT necessary to make snarky comments.  I do not have enough edit function to stop myself from saying one back to you. And you are lucky I didn’t just rip your face off for being an ass.

If you’re going to clear off your entire table (including the tablecloths) so you can play your stupid game — and then change seats — please do not ask for separate checks.  I do not remember what you look like or where you were previously sitting or that you have a bird named “Birdie.”  I don’t give a fuck. So either stay in your original seat, or I will give you ONE check and YOU can figure it out.  Fine by me.

Now for the GRAND PRIZE WINNERS of our Lunch From Hell….

Dear “Church Group,”
For a “church group,” you were the LEAST Christian people I have EVER encountered. Even Satan would have been appalled with your behavior.

We kissed your asses, accommodated every fucking request you had and you “thank” us by shorting my lovely Bam Bam over $70… and that comes out of HER OWN POCKET.  I hope that Jesus saw it happen because he is going to take the cross that he died for YOUR sins on and shove it up YOUR asses. Enjoy the splinters, Douchefucks.

Moral of the story:  Veteran dinner servers should not make lunch shift guest-appearances; it just reminds us earlier in the day of how much we loathe the general public and all of their “separate check needs.”  HISS!

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