Douche and Douchier

Posted: June 29, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings, Viva La Douche

Okay people, here’s what the fuck is on my mind today. First of all, let me say what a wonderful weekend I had working with my sis (5 Dog Fabulous) and all of my other peeps…Server X and Bossman, 62% and the Ginger Ninja.

It was a lovely experience and, as usual, fun was had by all. Well, fun may have not been had by a couple of dumbasses but isn’t that the way things always go?

I have a couple examples of some shenanigans that were just too much for me to deal with this weekend. Even in my Bat Girl outfit, my superhero powers could only do so much to steel my resolve in dealing with dummies. I’m going to run ya’ll down a short list of the offenders of the weekend and hope ya laugh till ya pee yourself a little.

Offender #1: Unless you’re a hater or just a mean bastard in general, I have a tendency to get along with even serial killer types. Bikers, bankers, mobsters, moneymen, and anybody else that comes down the pike — I can usually draw a bead on ya and figure your ass out in a matter of moments.

Sometimes you’re compensating for what you think you are lacking. I am there to convince you that you are lacking nothing … and therefore your dickish behavior is unnecessary. I have to say that most times, I can be successful in my endeavor.

However, if you’re going to come in every weekend and start new shit with new people, we are gonna hafta 86 your ass. I do not, this weekend, give you many points for smarts. You decided to sucker punch The Saint. I love him, and his unnaturally beautiful wife who is one of the better servers that I know in this world.

I don’t know if I’ve previously mentioned this: But when I have to come out from behind the bar to chastise your ass like a 5 year old…I am not gonna be happy about it. When one of my Shiny Bitches has sand in his pants cause you are being an ASS, then I’m not happy about that either. I love my Shiny Bitches.

When I have to walk you to the sober van and hold your hand so you don’t start anymore bullshit — all the while you telling me that this isn’t your fault — I’m not gonna lie…kinda irritated. I can’t stand people who don’t take responsibility for their actions.

All ya gotta do is say, “Hey, I was a dick…Sorry.” But no, you have to act like none of this was your fault and you have no idea whatsoever how any of it happened. You are a grown-ass man. Clearly you don’t know how to act like one…but ya are Blanche ya are!

Offender #2: Just when I thought I’ve seen as much dumbass as there is on the market, someone has to come in and shock the living shit outta me. Why you ask? I don’t fucking know is always gonna be my answer.

This guy was actually quite funny, and it really was hard to hate him as much as my bitterness knew I should. He just kept looking and smiling like an idiot. (I kinda thought there might be something wrong with him.) But alas, just when you think people are just silly and not quite the douchebags they seem to be, surprise surprise, the douche flag is unfurled.

So clueless orders 6 Jag Bombs from my sis who is fabulously outfitted in a Super Girl outfit including red mylar cape. I have to say right now that these were the best outfits on the planet and anyone who missed it…I have pity.

Sidenote: If you ever need the best costumes on the planet, The Theatrical Costume Shop in St. Cloud is the place to go. They are amazing and will totally hook you up with whatever your little heart desires. I even got the cutest foam clown nose for a dollar. Not many things cost a dollar these days — even the strip clubs give out two’s so the dancers can double their pleasure. Go there, ask for Misty, you won’t regret it.

So anyhow, dude orders his shots and 5 Dog makes them and all of a sudden something shiny catches his attention. He turns around and hands some passing chick one of the shots. She takes it, drinks it and wanders off as shiny things have a tendency to do.

Well, he goes to pay and — get this — accuses sis of drinking one of his shots. She’s being nice but I know a snap factor is on the horizon. So I jump in Bat-Girl style to see what’s up. Alas, he is too stupid for me, and I am instantly exhausted. I tap out to 5 Dog, and she takes over explaining in ridiculous detail how this transaction was supposed to work.

After a good five minutes of wasted time, I decide that enough is enough and that this dumbass is done for the day. I ask him if he wants the shots or not. He calls 5 Dog a thief.

(Dude, you gave away the stupid shot! Did you forget to take your meds?)

I ask again if he wants the shots as I have already run his credit card, and he has in fact paid for them. He calls me a bitch. I tell him that I’m very aware of my bitch status and that when I awake everyday I can choose whether I want to be a bitch or not. He unfortunately is stuck with dumbass forever … and therefore, I am revoking his right to shots.

Another table of fabulous people enjoyed the hell out of them.

With love and alllllll the liquor I can ingest,

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  1. Shiny Bitch #1 says:

    Offender #1 is …. wait for it… SHREKALADOUCHE!!!! And when I see him next… he’s getting an ear full… and more than just what is said in here… I have other issues to solve with that DOUCHE!!!!

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