Feisty Hot Lesbians Save the Day!

Posted: July 6, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay people, here’s what I’m thinkin about today:

#1. Feisty Hot Lesbians (FHL): Okay, I’m not gonna lie, the divebardiva has been experiencing some “technical difficulties” so far this year. I’ve been trying to wrangle my affairs as well as could be expected. But damn, sometimes there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to make all that wrangling possible — or bearable.

Situations like this are why God created Feisty Hot Lesbians. This weekend being the 4th of frickin July — and me working at an outdoor tiki bar next to a lake — means I was runnin like my ass was on fire. Unfortunately, due to the afore-mentioned difficulties, I was perilously close to a fucking meltdown. It was just the icing on this fat kid’s cake, and I was really trying not to freak the fuck out.

Now don’t you fret … we’ll get to Saturday in a minute … but Sunday is where the beauties from the Land of Lesbos come on the scene. So this is how that shit went down.

FHL#1: What the fuck is wrong with you today? You look like you’re gonna cry.

dbd: I’m just havin a bad week. What can I getcha?

FHL#1: Listen bitchypants, I don’t come here to see you upset. So get your shit together because we are having some fun today.

Now it being Sunday Funday, I really couldn’t refuse her request. And when she kissed me, bought me a million shots — then sent FHL#2 over to love on me and buy me a million more shots — it was on like a pot of neckbones.

All in all, things were starting to look pretty rosy. Now let me say at this point that I understand the “girl thing” and although it’s not really “my thing,” I fuckin love those bitches. And we all know that as far as kissing goes … as long as you’re good at it, I am equal opportunity all the way.

So thank you FHLs for turning my Sunday (not so) Funday into a raving success. Sometimes you don’t need a hug, sometimes ya need a kick in the ass.

I’m a bartender, and there are days when you don’t feel like smiling…hell, there are days when ya feel like opening a vein. Your own or someone else’s. It’s not always possible to indulge in your own pissy pants pity party. Who am I kidding? It’s hardly ever possible. So, my advice is to suck that shit up and put your party pants on.

It’s your job, bitch, so get on it!

#2. Cutoff and Clueless: Question for ya — have you been 86’ed from the bar? Has someone in charge told you that you are no longer welcome? Did you hear the words, “Get the fuck out and don’t ever come back?”

If you have answered “yes” to any of the previous questions, then why are you here?!!!? Stop acting like you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about when I tell you that you will not be getting any fine adult beverages on this day — or any day — and that you need to GET OUT.

I do not, for any reason, like to see my Bossman upset. You making yourself a pain in the ass, and him having to deal with you, makes me hate you like poison. So knock it off. He may look mean but he’s fragile. And I don’t need you giving him a freakin heart attack. There aren’t a lot of bosses who deal with my crap so well.

So, that was the fun I had to deal with on Saturday. Listen, I have a few customers who have been kicked out. Sometimes they’re allowed to return after an acceptable period of time. Sometimes they are not.

It all depends on the offense and how much time we’ve had to forgive and forget your jackass behavior. There are certain things for which forgiveness is not an option. I will list a few things and you can make your own determinations … and then I will share mine with you. (ooooh, a game!)

Forgivable or Unforgivable?

  1. Breaking the boss’ nose
  2. Destroying bar property
  3. Constantly starting shit (with the staff, other patrons, etc.)
  4. Stealing stuff
  5. Laying a violent hand on my bitches

#1: Forgivable (sort of). Okay, yes this happened to one of my old bosses. Although it sucks when you’re accidentally punched in the pie hole cause ya got into the middle of something, it’s kinda your fault. This infraction resulted in a three-month suspension of said patron and then all was forgiven.

#2. Forgiveable … eventually. Number two happens all the time (hee hee, number two). I think that when you’re completely stupid about destruction and you’re just doin it cause you’re a dumbass — then your cut-off period should be directly related to how stupid you were and what ya wrecked.

#3. Unforgivable … the second time. This is a no brainer. You get two chances. When you start a bunch of shit more than once then I just see a pattern forming. It’s a pattern of douchebaggery, and we all know how that’s gonna play. I can understand having a bad day or even being unjustly accused of douche behavior. However, if this happens more than once, you just gotta fuckin go. I have no tolerance for people who want to pee in others’ party corn flakes. Go be miserable somewhere else, bitch…we’re trying to have a little fun here.

#4. Unforgivable … period and end of discussion. I hate thieves.

#5. Unforgivable … I had a customer once who yanked one of my girls over the bar by her arm. I 86’ed him for life. The owner decided that it wasn’t that big of a deal. So I quit working for her. In the bar business, you have to know that someone has your back. If you own the joint — and don’t care that the customers are manhandling the staff — then you don’t have anyone’s back, and I can’t work for you.

So that’s all for today, peeps. We’re in need of some “Ask Your Bartender” questions, so please feel free to send those along. No need to censor … we take all questions (even the naughty ones).

Lastly, my girl Glamour Puss heard the best line this weekend:

“Hey aren’t you a little early…the hot chick contest doesn’t start till 11.”

Love love love it! I will also post it on “Best Pick-Up Lines EVER” for everyone to enjoy.

With love and liquor,

  1. Johnny( He left his keys on the bar Im sure he'll be right back)Clow says:

    No Pictures?

  2. Jon says:

    “… it was on like a pot of neckbones.”

    May be the greatest simile in the history of writing. T-shirt material!

    • divebardiva says:

      I have to give credit to my old friend Deanna for this one. Every time she said it I would laugh till I peed a little. She was absolutely hilarious.

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