Tried-and-True Tips for the Ladies: How to Call in Sick, Order the Right Beer and Avoid Douchebags

Posted: July 19, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

This is one more lovely post from one of our fantastic contributors, Vino 911. Keep them coming people!

It is my firm belief that after working as a bartender for one year, you should receive an honorary psych degree. Not only do you have to listen to ridiculous tirades from the yahoos that sit at your bar night after night, you also get a chance to sit back and observe human interaction at its finest. After years of this “research,” I have come up with a few tips for the ladies who work at a bar and/or frequent them. (Guys — feel free to read on, I guarantee you won’t get past tip one.)

Tip #1: How to Call in Sick

When I worked in a bar, I called in sick much less than at a normal 9-5 job. My theory here is that you’re aware if you call in at the bar someone you work with —  someone you know and love — will have to cover your shift. The other half of that theory is that you rarely call in because you don’t have sick or vacation time. Time off is money out of your pocket. I have hauled my ass in half dead just to pay the rent.

However, there are days where you went out the previous night after your shift to the neighborhood garage bar. You had a few too many, and the freight train running through your head dictates that you stay home for the day with the covers over your head and pray for silence. I learned early on in my career if you call in and your manager is male, you only have to drop one word to get you an excused absence: Vagina.

Now I had heard this tip always worked, so one day I tried it for myself. Here’s how my call went:

Me: Hey, its Vino911, I can’t come in today, my vagina…

*click*

Me (calling back): Uh, yeah, Vino again, I think we got disconnected.

Mgr: “Nope. Nope. Uh… you go ahead and take whatever time you need.”

*click*

Something about that one word makes men do everything they can to avoid finishing the conversation — especially when you’re telling them there’s a problem with it. Don’t believe me? Try it. Drop the “V” word next time you call in sick. (Unless, of course your manager is a female. We chicks have a BS meter with a long range and a loud siren. If that is the case, grab some Tylenol and haul your ass to work.)

Tip #2: The Truth About Those Lo-Cal Beers

Just a quick tip for those of you who like to drink beer aimed specifically at women: Ultras, 60 calorie beers, etc. They make you feel like you can drink and drink and still fit into your LBD tomorrow. This may be true, but so will regular light beer.

What they don’t tell you is that the alcohol volume in these beers is usually less than in normal light beer. Here is an example: Michelob Golden light has 65 calories per 7 oz and has 4.1% alcohol by volume. Budweiser 55 has 55 calories per 7 oz and 2.4% alcohol by volume. So it’s pretty simple really. In order to get the same effect, you have to drink more of the super low calorie girl beers to reach the same effect as a normal light beer which means you are now consuming more calories than the smart chick next to you at happy hour drinking Mich light on tap.

Tip #3: Keep It in Your Pants, I’m Not Interested.

Ladies, we all know there are nights when you want to go to the bar, have a beer with your friends and not even deal with the drunken pickup lines coming from less-than-stellar men. I’ve seen so many women make hilarious and not too successful attempts at anonymity.

  • Douche Avoidance Tactic #1: Wearing a Walmart knock-off ring on your finger and pretending to be “taken.”

First of all, anyone can tell it’s not real, diamonds usually don’t have the purplish hue to them and the ring around them doesn’t usually contain aluminum foil. However, it doesn’t matter either way. A ring on your finger screams: CHALLENGE! Not, oh well, she’s taken, Ill move on.

  • Douche Avoidance Tactic #2: Making yourself unattractive.

My favorite example of this was a girl who came to the bar in mom jeans, a sweatshirt with kittens on it and no makeup. I had seen her in my bar before, and I knew this wasn’t the usual attire. Obviously she was avoiding attention. Here’s a tip: It’s the chicks who are checking out your outfit, not the guys. Even in a kitten shirt and Jordache jeans, the guy is thinking: “Doable, but I might have to close my eyes.”

Here’s the deal: Just say, “No thank you.” From what I’ve observed from my all-seeing perch behind the bar is that most men will take a polite “no thank you” and walk away. The ones that won’t, well they deserve a kick in the nuts — not your wasted effort on Walmart rings and kitten shirts.

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