Mistaking Major Douche for Captain Awesome

Posted: August 7, 2011 by VT in Daily Ramblings, Viva La Douche

Thanks to 5 Dog Fabulous, the divebardiva’s equally sexy and sassy sister, for this great contribution!

Dear Captain Awesome,

The reason for this letter is to tell you of the horrible “mistake-a-douche” faux pas I made on 80′s night and to apologize profusely for the case of mistaken identity.

First off, let’s review why you are Captain Awesome. It was Super Heroes and Villains Night, and you walked in with no costume. Now, the divebardiva was not pleased and sent your ass home to get a costume.  

You returned with a tube-sock mask, a pillowcase cape, and the words Captain Awesome written on your shirt. Bravo, my friend, Bravo. As “Awesome” as you were, that was not the best part of the night.

I forgot to give you the 2-for-1 deal on shots, and you were so nice about the mistake. You knew it was only my second shift, so you smiled your beautiful smile and said, “No worries sweetheart. We all make mistakes.” I fixed your tab and bought you a drink.

 Thanks for being the complete opposite of a douche — which is, you guessed it, “Awesome.”

Now on to my horrible mistaken identity faux pas. So 80′s night was in full swing, and I was slinging drinks with all my might. I saw a blonde guy walk up to the bar, and I thought it was you. I lit up and grabbed both his hands.

5 dog fabulous: Oh my gosh, Captain Awesome! It’s so great to see you, my friend.

Mistake-a-Douche: What the fuck are you talking about?

5DF: Super Heroes and Villains Night? Your tube-sock mask and pillowcase cape?

M-a-D: I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, lady. Can I just get a fucking drink?

divebardiva: Hey 5 dog, trust me, that’s NOT Captain Awesome.

5DF: Okay, never mind. What can I get you to drink?

M-a-D proceeds to order by saying, “Gimmie.” He then leaves me exact change. Now we are now entering serious douchedome.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of it. He continued to be rude and extremely drunk all night. So drunk that at the end of the night (2:45), he left his wallet and credit card sitting on top of the bar with a note under it. The note read, “No one here likes you.”

Seriously dude, are you a 12-year-old girl??? There should have also been boxes on it marked, “Yes,” “No” or “Maybe.”

That was the last straw. I proceeded to track his ass down. We had cleared out the bar so I made my way through the sea of people on the patio. “Not him, Not him, Not him … I know! The sober bus!” I made a beeline for the sober bus and, sure enough, there he was.

I have not cussed anyone out that bad in years. It was so intense that the other passengers were cheering me on.

I gave him back his wallet and read him the riot act for the note he left me (which he copped to). He just looked at me and said, “Fuck You.” Then the driver said, “Dude, get the fuck off the bus. You’re walking home.”

SWEET!! There is justice in this world!

The only injustice is that I mistook this Major Douche for you, Captain Awesome. And for that, I can only offer my deepest apology and hope you can forgive this horrible oversight.

With Warmest Regards,
5 Dog Fabulous

  1. divebardiva says:

    Oh my fucking god, I totally forgot about the last part of this story…who doesn’t love the Ginger Ninja…you are soooooo my sister! I love yer ass 5 dog fab!!!

  2. Kelly K says:

    Love you back!

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