You Ask, We Answer: Bar Brawls and Boobs

Posted: August 12, 2011 by divebardiva in Q&A: Ask Your Bartender

Okay bitches, here’s what is goin on today. My week has been lovely due to my faithful followers turning in a bevy of hilarity in the form of “Submit Your Shit” posts.

The hamster has been runnin in the damn wheel nonstop but sometimes it’s hard to get things down on paper when I’m thinking about them. Since my two best thinking spots are the shower and the car, neither is conducive to jotting down one’s thoughts. Yet another reason why I need to win the lottery so I can have a little ASS-sistant to follow me about and write down the ridiculous shit that flies out of my mouth.

So, this weekend is going to be a doozy as I’m working Friday-Sunday at my little slice of hole in the wall. All of this madness should make for good stories which will need to be posted before Thursday at 8 a.m. as that is when my Homorita arrives. Once he arrives, all bets and clear thinking are going to be off off off. Now today’s post will be your favorite and mine … Ask Your Bartender! I’ve got one word for ya people: Wahoo!

Well peeps, let’s get to gettin shall we?

Q: Have you ever hit a customer in a bar fight or any other scenario?

A: Every now and then, violence happens at a bar. I’ve worked at many an establishment where such things have occurred. Most of my NYC bars came with security who would throw you to the curb (making sure you hit it on the way out) and not think twice about it.

Most places, however, have had me do double-duty as a bouncer. I think that having a girl take care of things works because guys are at least a bit hesitant about hitting a girl (unfortunately, that is not always the case) and will also listen to one when she is bossin his ass around.

Now I have to say now that I don’t recommend getting in the middle of men trying to kick each other’s asses unless you have to. Believe me when I tell you if they all fought outside I could not give a shit less. I’ve actually been heard having this exact conversation with one of my hot waitress bitches…

HWB: Wow, there is a huge fight outside…

DBD: Is the whole thing out in the lot?

HWB: Yeah but they are really kickin each other’s asses, shouldn’t we call the cops?

DBD: Is anyone unconscious or bleeding? Are 10 dudes beating up one guy?

HWB: No it looks pretty even and everyone is still standing.

DBD: Then why would I call the damn cops and get people who are just here having a good time pulled over because some douchebags needed to release their over-abundance of testosterone? Just keep your eye on them and if someone goes down, let me know.

However and unfortunately, most fighters want someone to see them fighting and need to start a bunch of shit where there are the most people. There are also other times when a person is a little too drunkypants — meaning that someone is going to have to put them in their place to avoid any real unpleasantness.

Such was the case with my good friend and customer, Bite Me. (His name deriving from the fact that he says this to me constantly.) Bite Me had been partying with his friend Jack Daniels. Although he is a big boy and can handle his booze, he was quite full this particular evening.

He wasn’t usually a touchy-feely guy, so I was getting a little irked when he kept grabbing my arm. The second to the last time he did so, I told him that if he didn’t stop it, I would stab his ass. He found this funny for some reason and grabbed my wrist again, snapping my bracelet and cutting my arm. Quick as a wink I grabbed a pencil, stabbed him in the back of the hand and returned it to the bar.

Lesson: If I tell you I’m gonna stab your ass…I may very well do so.

Q: In all the cities you have ever worked in, which one had the hottest guys?

A: Atlanta, without question. Cute cute cute boys. They are everywhere. From my old roommate Irish, to all my cute kitchen boys, to SantaG — the only boy I ever dated with better hair than me — to band boys like BradleyB and my Roxy Crew, to every tattooed boy that ever worked at Fellini’s to Skater and even my pain in the ass ex and his adorable frat mates! CUTE CUTE CUTE! Not to even mention all my hot homos! Oh how I miss Atlanta!

Q: I participated (in fact may have initiated) “Boobfest 2011” at your establishment. When is the next boobfest going to be?

A: Yes my friend, you did initiate and it was fabulous. One of the very best nights I have worked, I must say. I’m working all weekend and think that “Boobfest Part Deux” is totally in order. However, if you prefer, we could have it when Homorita arrives and then we can make sure to have photos on the blackmail machine of the whole event. Oh Boobfest, how I have missed you.

Have a great weekend, peeps!

Love and Liquor,
the divebardiva

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