How to Fire a Customer: An Exciting New Incentive Program for Servers Everywhere

Posted: August 27, 2011 by VT in Daily Ramblings

A great new contribution from the blunt & beautiful 5 Dog Fabulous! Love ya, 5DF!

Traditionally, we’re all brainwashed to believe that the customer is ALWAYS right. Or should always get their way. This is crap, and you know it. When was the last time you were the customer who got to be right????

So I’ve taken the time to start a new program called, “The Customer Can Be Fired.”  Last week while working in clown town, I had a table of three guys. Two were super nice, and one was a douche. (Why is there is always one douche in the bunch?) The douche ordered a pizza and then somehow “misplaced” his money.

Here’s how it went down: After the pizza arrived, I handed him his bill. He crumpled it up.

Broke-Ass-Douche (BAD): I have no money. I can’t pay you.

Me: What happened to the 10 bucks you were just waving at me to get the pizza?

BAD: I don’t know, but I have no money to pay.

Me: Seriously dude, I’m slammed right now and have no time to joke around. Give me the money.

BAD: I lost my wallet.

Me (as I reach to grab his wallet that is sitting right in front of him): You mean this wallet?

BAD: Nope, I don’t have any money.

Me: You’re an asshole. Now give me the damn money or I’ll take your pizza back.

BAD: Just try it.

At this time, his friend hands me 10 bucks to pay for the pizza and apologizes for the douche’s behavior.

Me: Just so you know, you’re fired.

BAD: What do you mean I’m fired?

Me: If you need a drink, go to the bar.  I will no longer serve you.

BAD: You mean I’m cut off?

Me: Oh no, my friend, you are not cut off. You’re fired.

I walk away to wait on other peeps. About 15 minutes later, I stop by because the two non-douches are low on beverage.

Me: You guys need a drink?

Nice Guys: Yes, two captain cokes, please.

BAD: And a Mich golden light bottle.

I return with the 2 capt cokes only……..

BAD: What the fuck? I wanted a drink, too!

Me: I’m sorry. Don’t you remember the part where you taunted me and claimed you had no money, and then I fired your ass? Well, I’m no longer bringing you drinks. If you need something, go to the bar. And you better give her your money in advance or you’re not getting served.

BAD: Seriously, you’re not going to bring me drinks when you serve my friends?

Me: Seriously Dude, you have been fired. Get your own shit.

I continued to serve his friends and not him the rest of the night. I did, however, explain to the friends the rules and principals of “douche-adjacent,” and they were enlightened.

[Sidenote: Not familiar with the term douche adjacent? Search for the post by the the same name. It’s a classic from the divebardiva.]

The End

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