You’re Pissin Me Off: 5 Ways to Make Your Bartender Want to Hurt You

Posted: September 15, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay people, here’s what’s clankin around my head today. As my shifts have been whittling down to winter hours — and people have been increasingly nice on the weekends — it has become difficult to find things to be snarky about in my weekly release of venom with a sarcasm chaser. However, there are always things to enlighten others in their daily walk down drunken lane that would make them a better customer and pretty much a better person in general.

We’re gonna go over a few things, and I’m going to leave the post open for discussion. If you’re a server or bartender and would like to add to the list, please sign up for the blog, give yourself a clever nickname and add your musings to “Submit Your Shit” post haste (or simply comment on this post), and we will add them in kind.

1. And I have said this one before, people…No drinkie from bar if tabbie with waitress.

Now there are some exceptions to this rule:

  • If you’re paying cash for the round or tipping the bar for the shots or whathaveyou.
  • If you have just stepped up to the bar and away from your table of parentals or rugrats…totally understandable.
  • If it isn’t busy for me but your waitron is slammed…also acceptable.

If however, you have a tab at the bar, then ORDER FROM THE BAR. Don’t order from the waitress just cause you think you might have a shot. Trust me, my friend, ya don’t. And pissing off those people in charge of your fine adult beverages isn’t gonna do much for your good time.

Bottom line: It’s hard enough for us to keep your drunk ass in line without having multiple employees trying to figure out how to locate your tab. We have other patrons needing to get sloshed, and their patience runs very thin when they have to wait to get a drink.

2. Passive/aggressive television behavior.

Example: You don’t have the race on? Well let us see, shall we? We have 6 — count ’em, 6 — televisions in the place and nary a one of them has a Nascar race on. I would have to say “No,” master of the obvious, we do not have the race on. Now this is how that situation should have gone:

“Hey divebardiva, the race is on 206. Can you switch one of the TVs to it?”

“Why yes I can, random Nascar fan. Why yes, I can.”

Seriously people, I cannot be relegated to keep every damn sporting event tucked neatly in my brain with channels and times attached. I have neither the time or the inclination for such shenanigans. Not to mention, “Oh is it regular cable? What channel would that be on Directv?” Or, “I have satellite at home…blah blah blah.”

I have a hard enough time remembering when my JETS are on or what time on Saturday my Alabama plays. Keep up with your own shit, people. I am quite accommodating if you do the leg work.

3. Selfish and brat-like television behavior. Listen, grown-ass people. I’m tired of you thinking that this is your fucking living room. I’m also tired of you stamping your feet and pouting if you don’t get your way. You will not bully me into submission so I don’t even know why you try. Example: Hey, put the sound for the race on!

Okay chump, listen and listen good. It’s Sunday night at dinner hour. There are families here enjoying the Bluesville station while they have a fine steak for an awesome price. (It’s a fucking recession, and we are tryin to help the working man.) No one but you wants to hear the  “vrooom vroom vroom” of the cars going in a circular motion for the next hour and a half. NO ONE BUT YOU!

This is not Sunday-afternoon football or even the late game. It’s 6 pm, and people are trying to eat and relax before they hit the weekly grind tomorrow. And guess what? You storming out because you can’t have your way…not bothering me one damn bit.

4. Letting your mouth write a check that your ass can’t cash.

The example follows:

Dear grown-ass man (aka douchebag) from last night,

Having to tell you to behave at 6:30 was mistake number one. Not listening to me by 6:35 and annoying my customers was mistake number two. Being scolded like a 5-year-old when you’re a grown man was mistake number three. And you know what they say — three strikes, you’re out.

However, even though your ass was thrown out, you returned with a friend who (although I didn’t think it was possible) was an ever bigger douche than you. That was your last mistake and got you both escorted out by all five foot four inches of me while you called me Heidi over and over. This was due, I am sure, to the fact I was wearing braids, and you were too fucking stupid to think of anything more clever.

I will have to say that I’m glad you did not return to shoot me as you promised. So for that I thank you. And PS, here’s a little fyi for next time: You better hope your guns are bigger than mine and that you’re a better shot.

And even sober my friend, I highly fucking doubt it.

5. Say my name, bitch. Oh no, wait. Stop sayin my name, bitch.

Okay, I was recently on a visit to my Florida family to see the infamous Vodka Toxic and her crew of peeps, and we happened to be out at this lovely little dive where we happened upon a not-so-lovely person. Now I knew right away when he said he worked at the dive’s other location on the beach that there was no way in hell he was a bartender. First of all, he couldn’t handle his booze worth a shit. And secondly he was doing more than one thing that was pissin me off.

We had a beautiful bartender who I will call Hello Kitty as she had angel and devil tats in said form. This dumbass was calling her name over and over and over again to the point where I wanted to knock his teeth down his windpipe thereby rendering him speechless.

Kitty was being really tolerant and even more important honoring our wishes for no more shots from big spender as he was already “droolin in the soup.” I personally hate it when people keep screaming my name for a drink. My real peeps know that I will respond to the slightest head nod or lift of a finger. My friend Captain Awesome knows my fake name and is the only one who ever uses it. So he always gets service in an overcrowded bar. He also only ever says it ONCE!

So that’s it for today, people. If you feel you might be guilty of any one of these misdeeds, now is the time to rectify that situation. Hope to see one or all of you this weekend as we kick off the fall season with fine adult beverages and merriment!

With love and liquor,


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