Unicorns and Glitter PLUS Screw You, Corndog Lady

Posted: September 26, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay, people. Now that I have returned from blue funk land and am back on the horse and ready to ride, I realized something. I don’t know if you fine people have noticed it or not…but I can be a little bitter. I know what you’re thinking. “You? divebardiva? Bitter? I think not.” But alas, it’s true.

The older I get, and the longer I bartend, the worse it gets. I have a hard time with stupidity and adding alcohol to that situation rarely helps. However, that is my job and a bitch gotta do what a bitch gotta do.

So, for those who cannot live without my bitterness and find it entertaining: Fear not. The latter portion of this story is for you. But for right now, we’ll start off today’s warm and fuzzy portion of the program.

Unicorns and Glitter

Now, I’ve mentioned how lucky I am to be working at my particular dive. The Bossman pretty much just unleashes me on an unsuspecting public and then just stands there and laughs at the shenanigans that follow. It really is the perfect work environment for me. The following is a list of things that made me love my job this weekend.

1. On Pimps & Ho’s night, Server X and I were totally hot pimps, and I love working with her. We may not have made a ton of cash but it’s always nice to have someone to mock people with. She also enlightened me on a little thing called “Bitch Face” which had me close to peeing at the time (and even now that I’m thinking about it again).

2. My girl Bitch Fantastic came in and brought an entire hayride of hard drinkin, good tippin people. Any of you who know me realize that those are my favorite kind of customers. And I must say that when Bitch Fantastic started to order three pain-in-the-ass drinks, she looked right at my face and instead ordered 2 Southern/7’s and a Corona. And now you can clearly see why although Bitch is the opener…Fantastic is the closer.

3. Old Man Particle Board was in the house and telling everyone harrowing tales of how I tried to kill him last summer. It makes me laugh — and my customers fear me more — so I let it slide.

4. Server X’s Mom and Sis were chillin like villians and making sure the night went off without a hitch. And at our sleepy little dive, we are all about family.

5. My bitches were fantastic Ho’s and looked gorgeous for the evening’s festivities. And two great customers came in wearing the best pimp fur that you could possibly imagine.

6. Sunday Funday was also amazing. Although I was a bit tired, and my Jets lost, I was still rearing to go. My Shiny Bitch #1 was in the hizzle making me laugh out loud. Hot J and Bullet Babe made appearances, BB just stopping in to bring me the most fabulous dinner and then flit away.

7. Glamour Puss and posse rolled in for a little dinner and some much needed recreation time for one Miss Shot-tastic who was in desperate need of erasing all memories of someone’s douchebag behavior. I have to say people, I am pretty sure it was a success.

8. Caliente and her gang had a few hours of hard drinkin and body shots, tipped outrageously and were out by 1:30 or so — and although the one dude insisted on snorting the salt for his tequila and calling that move something so silly I can’t even recall what it was — I love the others so much it really didn’t make a difference. I love my Carririzer and cute Ms. Mighty Mouse and there is nothing better than serving a bunch of bitches who wait for a living and feel your pain on a cellular level.

All in all my friends, a fantastic weekend and I made some much needed dough. Yay, me!

So now we move on to the latter portion of today’s program.

Fuck You, Corndog Lady

Okay, now sometimes I like to have a little girls’ night action. Me and my bitches like to hit the town, man-free, and see how much trouble we can get into. So my girl Shiny Bitch #1 calls me up and says that there’s a fair by my house and a good band is playing there. Cute boys, good music and beer? I’m totally on board.

We decided to meet at the scene of most of our crimes: The Bar.  And we agreed that we wouldn’t get sucked into “The Vortex” — thereby getting trapped there for the remainder of the evening.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “What is this Vortex business?” I’m here to tell you, people. It exists, and it ain’t pretty. An assload of fun, but not pretty.

Well I arrive 15 minutes late as I am known to do and there is my Shiny Bitch smokin on the patio and drinkin a cold one. By the time I get my posters hung and have a little chit chat with Bossman I am about a beer in.

According to the evening’s agenda, we’re supposed to be running like our asses are on fire by 5. Happily, the beers are goin down like goldfish down a frat boy’s throat. So we decide to grab a sandwich to set a proper base for what is sure to be an epic night of drinking.

Sandwich consumed and beer number three on deck puts us at about 5 but we decide to go out to the Tiki Hut and have one with the lovely Server X. So, 1 beer turned into 3 (as is the nature of the Vortex) but we escaped with our lives by 6 pm.

A short stop at the liquor store for a little refueling and off to the casa. A couple more beers down, and we are off to the fair in high spirits. We had a lovely DD for the evening so we could really get our drink on and have a truly fantastic time. And then, it happened.

Sidenote: Now I don’t know if I have mentioned this, in passing or otherwise, but this bitch loves a mini-donut. I actually once dreamt of being stuck at a fair with nary a mini-donut in sight. They had a pickled pigs feet booth and yet to my horror, no mini-donuts. Seriously people, if I am having anxiety ridden nightmares about them, you know I’ve got some love for those little fuckers.

My first stop was the porta potty as beer had been the staple of my diet for the better part of several hours now. Then up to a very large yellow corndog booth to ask where by chance I could put my hands on some warm sugary goodness.

Well, the freakishly tall lady in the corndog booth did not look happy with the cards that had been dealt her on this fine evening but I had more important issues to attend to:

  1. Bag’o Mini-donuts
  2. Beer
  3. Cute band boys

The only thing between me and my happiness was this 7′ amazon woman in her blinding yellow corndog receptacle. What I now know from Server X to be something called “Bitch Face” — where you aren’t really pissed off so much as that your face just kinda has a bitch quality to it.

I thought to myself, “Maybe amazon corndog woman has this ailment. Maybe she doesn’t hate me like poison. Maybe she just can’t make her face look like she doesn’t.”

This, however, was not the case. Amazon Corndog woman had bitch EVERYTHING. And did, in fact, hate me like poison. Not to be dissuaded from my mini-donut quest, I sucked it up and approached said Amazon to inquire as to the Mini-donut whereabouts.

divebardiva: Hey can you point me in the direction of the mini-donut cart?

Amazon Corndog Lady: The mini-donut guy didn’t show. Do you want a corndog or what?

dbd: Wow, that’s weird. Everybody loves mini-donuts.

ACL: Well, all I have is corndogs. Are ya gonna order one or not?

Now at this point, I’m starting to get a little irritated one, by her piss-poor attitude. And two, because I wanted some fucking mini-donuts and NOT a fucking corndog.

dbd: Listen Corndog Lady, if I wanted a corndog, I would have asked politely for one and called it a day. It’s not like you’re all incognito with your 15′ tall corndog trailer, which by the way is painted a yellow that I can only describe at retina scalding. So no, Corndog Lady, I would not care for what you have to offer. I would not care for it at all. Now please point me toward the beer. Thank you and good day.

She was none too pleased with me and my beer-righteous attitude. But I think her need to get rid of me was greater, and she begrudgingly did as I asked. Shiny Bitch and I bought 8 beer tickets and graciously gave 1 to our DD who later drove our drunk asses home and then made us pork chops and green-bean casserole while we gunned down a few more cold ones…and why, you ask? Cause our DD rocks and we’re fantastic entertainment.

So that’s it for today, people. Hope you enjoyed yourselves as always and please feel free to force anyone and everyone to sign up for our blog. You will be rewarded with booze and hookers in the afterlife if ya do!

With love and liquor,


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