Onesie, Twosie Drunk -n- Boozie…Threesie, Foursie Hit The Floorsie…Fivesie, Sixie You’re A Dicksie

Posted: October 20, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay people, this is what the hell the hamster is runnin in the wheel today. I have to say that I am no stranger to boys. I will also state for the record that I have had more friends than boyfriends, and more boyfriends than husbands. And that’s the way I like it.

Being a bartender does give you the opportunity to meet a lot of cute boys. Being a drinker gives you twice as many opportunities. This is ALSO the way that I like it. However, I do have a problem with the following personalities:

Sloppy and Stumbling: Okay, dumbass. I have once or twice missed a step or tripped over something while wildly intoxicated. I have even fallen down while trying something as difficult as skipping while running at full speed across a busy street in London … or trying a cartwheel while somewhat drunk and unruly.

I can’t say, however, that the floor in any drinking establishment has just grabbed my ass and pulled me to it. I’ve also never been so drunk that I thought leaning back while sitting on a very tall barstool has been a winner of an idea. You are drunk, my friend. Trying things that you can barely accomplish on your best sober day is not the best move.

Sloppy and Stupid:  Listen douchenozzle, no one needs your dumbass take of picking up girls by rubbing up on unsuspecting chicks and drinking their drinks because you yourself have been cutoff. Clearly you are too stupid to realize that your “move” is making you look like such an ass monkey that even the zoo might be hesitant to add you to their caged exhibit.

The fact that I had to scold you like a fucking child because — not only can you not handle your booze — but you have so little game that I was about to have to start throwing yellow towels and calling “foul fucking foul” all over the field of play. I almost felt sorry for you for a moment. Tthen I realized that your severe ass clown behavior cancelled out any sympathy I could possibly muster for your dumb ass.

Sloppy and Self Important: Okay brother, this is the fucking deal. You are cute in a very conventional way. You could even be charming…perhaps. The problem is that you can’t handle your booze whatsoever. In fact it’s almost pathetic.

Really dude, if you’re gonna come in an act like an ass every other day…you asking me out on the non-assy days really isn’t gonna get ya anywhere. In fact, I have something important to tell you: I can tolerate a boy who gets in bar fights. I have been known to date a player with an eye for the ladies (lots and lots of ladies). But I can never, and I mean NEVER, date a dude who cannot handle his liquor. It’s the straw that breaks this camel’s back.

And in the case of this individual, not only can you not handle your booze but I could literally drink you into the fetal position. Not sexy my friend, not sexy at all.

With love and liquor from the divebardiva lounge (with special guest editor 1 Shiny Bitch)!

divebardiva

P.S. One of our favorite contributors added this comment so I had to add it to the post:

Sloppy and Self-Important douche,

I know of whom the Diva rants about, and let me add my own two-fucking-cents worth. You alone broke 3 of my golden d-j rules, which makes you King Douche, in my eyes. It usually takes a little time to get me to actually dislike a person. You accomplished that in 4 hours, so bravo to you. Well played, douchebag!

I guarantee you, next time you come to the booth and say that I have to play such and such because you want to hear it, I’ll just tell you, “Too fucking bad.  It’s not time for that now.”  Right when the ladies started get on the floor, your sorry, drunk ass comes up and says that I need to do something different. I told you it’s Ladies night, but you said that I needed to something for you, too.

Here’s what I did for you, you fucking jack-off: I got the girls to get out on the floor to shake their asses and give you the opportunity to make a move. You just happen to be too stupid to realize that the game has been set afoot.

Last but not least, when you are told that it’s time to go home, GET THE FUCK OUT!  It’s not a request, it’s a command from the staff.  Your sorry ass isn’t worth the trouble during working hours, and even less when it’s “our” time.

DJ SEXXXJELLAY

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Comments
  1. DJSEXXXJELLAY says:

    Sloppy and Self-Important douche, I know of whom the Diva rants about and let me add my own two-fucking-cents worth. You alone broke 3 of my golden d-j rules, which makes you King Douche, in my eyes. It usually takes a little time to get me to actually dislike a person. You accomplished that in 4 hours, so bravo to you. Well played, douchebag! I guarantee you, next time you come to the booth and say that I have to play such and such because you want to hear it, I’ll just tell you, “Too fucking bad. It’s not time for that now.” Right when the ladies started get on the floor, your sorry, drunk ass comes up and says that I need to do something different. I told you it’s Ladies night and you said that i needed to something for you too. Here is what I did for you, you fucking jack-off; i got the girls to get out on the floor to shake their asses and give you the opportunity to make a move. You just happen to be too stupid to realize that the game has been set afoot. Last but not least, when you are told that it’s time to go home, GET THE FUCK OUT! It’s not a request, it’s a command from the staff. Your sorry ass isn’t worth the trouble during working hours, and even less when it’s “our” time.

    MOTHERFUCKINDJSEXXXJELLAY!

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