It’s a Hump Day Gameshow!

Posted: November 16, 2011 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay people, here is what the hell the hamster is offering up for your viewing pleasure today (cue Match Game theme music or something equally as circus-like) … Hump Day Gameshow! We’re gonna see who has been paying attention in all of our Bar Trash musings these past many months. Whomever gets the most correct answers will be receiving some bar trash swag or a speedo made of twizzlers.

It’s a crap shoot, people! 🙂

Scenario #1

Girl stands at bar and waves money frantically while also yelling, “Excuse me…excuse me!” I make my way over to her and the scene is as follows:

Girl: I want a sex on the beach and (turning to the three girls behind her) what do you guys want?

Now the following are three possibilities of response:

A. I bitch slap her.

B. I walk away and wait on 1 of 50 other people.

C. I cuss her 7 ways to Sunday for being an idiot.

Scenario #2

Girl gets her shit together and waves again. I go over again. She orders sex on the beach, scooby snack as a drink, chuck norris as a drink and a Michelob Ultra. The total for the 4 drinks is $22 for which she hands me $5 for her sex on the beach only.

Possibilities:

A. I calmly explain that her drink is in fact $6 and wait patiently for everyone else to cough up their money.

B. I stab her with a pencil.

C. I tell her that I don’t have time for this as I am busy, and the total is $22.

Scenario #3

Girl comes to the bar, not to order another drink but to ask what the big deal is that they all wanted to pay separately.

Possibilities:

A. I calmly explain the semantics of a busy Saturday night and the fact that she was losing me money and affecting my service to others by not ordering as a group and paying as a group.

B. I turn and walk away from her because no matter how hard we may try, you can’t fix stupid.

C. I grab a fist full of  her fake hair and bounce her head off the bar.

Scenario #4

Girl comes up to the bar and waves me over just one more time. She asks me with all seriousness why I was rude to her earlier.

Possibilities:

A. I motion her close to me, and when she leans in I lick the entire side of her face.

B. I stare at her with my mouth open and say, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

C. I stand quite still, stunned for a moment that she possesses the wherewithal to breathe and walk simultaneously. Once that passes, I laugh to myself and think, “Maybe I am the bar Jane Goodall” and I could write a book called “Dumb Bitches in the Mist.” Then I decide in a moment of clarity, that smart or dumb you have now poked the angry bear and for that you must suffer the consequences so I say this…

“Listen honey, I don’t know if you got lost on your way to TGIFridays but this is my happy little dive where I have neither the time nor the inclination to deal with your dumb ass. You called me over while I was busy and were not prepared with your order.

As I am not the McDonald’s drive thru and instead get paid by how many people I can serve in a short period of time, you pissed me off. After that, instead of paying together like the friends you claim to be, you all not only try to pay separately but you don’t have enough money. And then, once you do get your shit together, you don’t tip.

Then if that weren’t enough dumbass for one night, you returned to the bar not once, but twice to complain. Now lemme ask you…do you see any sports jerseys strewn about in frames? Do you see one piece of fucking flair on any person in the place? Do you even notice that while you are all up in arms there are dozens and dozens of people waiting to be served who aren’t giant pains in the ass? People who tip and know what to do when they see someone working their ass off?

Well sweetie, next time you come to a real bar you should keep all of these little points in mind. And if you can’t…maybe you should just buy a 6-pack of wine coolers and stay home.”

Okay, so that last one was kind of a gimme but you may be surprised at some of the other answers. Go ahead and submit your answers in the comment section, and we will pick the big wiener and send ya your Bar Trash swag ASAP! Unless of course you want the speedo made of twizzlers and then it may be a while as I will hafta figure out how the fuck to make one.

With love and liquor,

divebardiva

Comments
  1. Liz says:

    My answers are: b,c,b,c

  2. Tater Paul says:

    scenario 1 B
    scenario 2 B i really like that answer
    scenario 3 Gonna go with C on this one
    scenario 4 have to go with the obivious of D

  3. 1 Shiny Bitch says:

    For as much as I would like the answers to be C,B,C,A… They are the following: B,C,A,C 🙂

  4. funnybunny says:

    Lmfao… I think these lovelies stopped a Bws a time or two. By lovelies I mean dumbass… they are by far the worst customers …thank you for telling them all what we were thinking … bitches ……

  5. VT says:

    I REALLY hope you licked the entire side of her face. Because that would be awesome.

    P.S. “Dumb Bitches in the Mist” — fucking brilliant.

    Love, Vodka Toxic

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