Key West Flashbacks…

Posted: January 9, 2012 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay people: Here’s what the hell is going on today. It is Christmas day and as usual the hamster is runnin his ass off in the wheel. A few of our loyal fans inquired about some of the quotes in our last Key West post. And much like the bitter woman who comes in every bar I have ever worked in — you know the one…she smells of gin, cigarettes and regret — I am nothing if not consistent.

So as you have asked, so shall you receive.

Get Your Fucking Hands Off the Goldfish

So, the divebardiva likes to party on her birthday. I don’t know if there are many December birthdays out there. But if there are, you know how ya have a tendency to get screwed sometimes. My fam was always really good about not making me feel like my birthday wasn’t just as special as if it had been in June. I, however, love my birthday for one reason and one reason only…it’s all about ME!

I have some kick-ass friends who also love a good party. Over the years many have joined me on one birthday adventure or another. Las Vegas, New Orleans, Atlantic City and most recently Key West.

During our recent visit to the Crescent City, it was raining so hard we were trapped in our lovely rooms watching America’s Next Top Model. I know this seems like a perfectly ridiculous way to spend an afternoon but as Ru Paul’s Drag Race was unavailable we had to work with what we had. As I was commenting on the freakishly skinny girls with the large alien heads, I ask one of my favorite Florida girls “Goldie” how she stayed so thin. She replied by showing me 5 goldfish crackers in her hand.

“So you just eat goldfish crackers all day and therefore never get fat?”


“Then what?”

“This is my daily ration. I only eat five goldfish a day. It’s the supermodel diet.”

Of course, since none of us were actual supermodels, we knew that this sort of diet was preposterous but extremely funny nonetheless. So funny in fact that it has become a running joke for birthdays and events following that trip. And when we headed to Key West, Goldie had her crackers in hand.

But, Goldie informed us, there had been a change. She had started a strict workout regimen which bumped up her goldfish intake to a whopping 10 a day.

For me, being from the North and storing fat like a family of otters over the winter months, 10 goldfish just wasn’t gonna cut it. Goldie being the fantastic girl that she is tried to ease me into it by bringing me 3 at breakfast, 3 at lunch and then a whopping 4 for dinner.

When I met some locals and contracted this ailment we referred to in high school as “the munchies,” I realized how strict Goldie was as to my new found diet plan. As I grabbed more than my alloted 3 lunch fish I was scolded like a teenager (quite appropriate really since I had been acting like one) with a very loud…

“divebardiva get your fucking hands off the goldfish!”

So there you have it people, that is story number one of the Key West favorites. Now we shall move on to number two. Wait for it…

Vacuum Seal That Shit

Okay for a little backstory on this particular tale, I have to tell you about one of our amazing contributors, Server X. Now on our Key West trip, she was the youngest of all the attendees at the ripe old age of 22. Generally, people of this particular age range have a tendency to make me want to hurt them. But Server X is not like the others of her generation. Server X sometimes rivals even the notoriously bitter divebardiva. Now that, my friend, is taking the bitterness up a fuckin notch.

She is fantastic and witty and one of those great sleeper people. She is not the girl babbling on like an idiot or dancing around trying to get attention. She is the girl sitting in the corner watching everyone very carefully.  She is also the girl that will come out of nowhere with something so funny it makes you pee yourself a little. Case and point? “Fat Kid Face” which we will discuss at another juncture.

Well, after my morning with the locals and before my goldgish discussion with Goldie, I was sitting around the casa with Homorita, Miss Toxic, Server X and 1 Shiny.  We were discussing the unbelievable amount of bitterness that Server X possesses and that perhaps, if things continue at this pace, with the mind-numbing amount of douchebags out there, she may eventually run out of room for all of it.

So Vodka Toxic being the smartest bitch I know, knew exactly what to do and whipped that shit out in two shakes of a lambs tail. As this situation calls for someone quick on the uptake — and me not being able to control my laughter, tears and also occasionally losing the ability to speak — I was not a candidate. Toxic jumped in to save the day with her Yoda-like advice. That bit of advice went a little like this…

“Ya know what you need to do X? Ya need to get one of those vacuum sealer things that you use to pack your sweaters away for the winter. Every time it seems like your bitterness is getting a little too close to the top, you just vacuum seal that shit and make room for a little more.”

Sometimes it really is the little things. And I am not gonna lie to you people, I laughed so hard I peed a bit.

So that is it for now peeps…please stay tuned for our next installment entitled “Why Don’t You Go Fuck Yourself.” Well, it won’t really be called that since the blog doesn’t appreciate my profanities as story titles…but our loyal readers will know what the fuck time it is.

With love and liquor,


  1. Mr. Parx says:

    I remember a site just like this one, only it had new posts once in a while. That site was awesome. This site stinks like yesterday’s milk, and if weren’t free I’d ask for my nickel back.

    Having a wonderful time, wish you were here,

    Mr. Parx

    • divebardiva says:

      Ah yes Mr. Parx,

      So sorry for my slack ass behavior as of late. You’d think some of our loyal readers would have recognized a train wreck and added some of their own musings to “Submit your Shit”. But alas none of my well versed, literary, smart talkin friends have done so…weird.

      I do promise that things at dumpster fire station have started to turn around and very soon you will be entertained by my bitterness and bad language. Very soon my friend.

      If not, give me your address and I will mail you a nickel 🙂

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