Stunt Double To The Rescue…

Posted: April 5, 2012 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Well peeps, as always the divebardiva has been working her ass off. Monday I found myself working an 18-hour day and feeling every minute of it. This bitch is not as young as she used to be … I will tell you that. Sometimes when things get a little crazy at our lovely dive, or if god forbid I have an episode where I drop my basket, sometimes a girl needs a little assistance.

It just so happened that on St. Patty’s one such event occurred. The normally graceful Server X turned to serve a drink after taking a well-deserved break between her day and night shift. While SHE wanted to go one way, her knee decided to go another. She went down in a blaze of glory and, we had no other choice, but to call in “Stunt Double.”

Now Stunt Double is no stranger to bar life, and was once known on this blog as Shiny Bitch. However, her constant help with all things bar- and basket-related has facilitated a change in moniker and Stunt Double she became. And Stunt Double she shall remain.

The following is an excerpt from her night with me and further proof of why this blog should exist.

So I wasn’t ever sure I would have anything to submit on my own, as I have always been the patron at our lovely dive bar. But as I started helping our very own divebardiva on an occasional Sat night – I have my own story the DBD can’t tell, so here it goes:It was a lovely St. Patty’s day – lovely enough to where I was able to get the pre-game drink on with some fantastic friends – everyone dressed in green, me in my shirt that said, “Don’t make me use me bottle opener to remove yer lucky charms.” on the back which proved to be a challenge to a few.

Now to back up a little, I’m NOT a bartender – but have had the teachings of the DBD as time has gone on … which is why my Shiny Bitch name has been scratched, and the new nickname Stunt Double was created.

Our lovely dive bar was hopping away, and the DBD and I were getting our asses handed to us. That’s when this cute little blonde attempted to get my attention. I went over to her and soon realized she was NOT a cute little thing. She was, in fact, a Skangmaggot. And that’s how she will be referred to for the rest of this post.

Here’s how our conversation went down:

Me: “Hey baby… what can I get ya?”

S-Maggot: “I’m not sure if you noticed, but there are people here that need drinks!”

(Now mind you – DBD and I are at what we like to call “half-stab” already)

Me (after pausing for a second while looking at her like she’s an f’n retard): “REALLY? Who would have thought that? And here I thought we were in a bar. So what do you need?”

S-Maggot: “I need you to stop drinking yourself and start serving the drinks instead!”

(I had to take a moment to stare at her. I tilted my head slightly while I imagined what it would be like to reach across the bar and grab her by the hair and slam her head against the bar multiple times)

Me: “Listen! First of all… I haven’t had anything to drink for two hours! Secondly, I’m not a bartender! Our other bartender blew out her knee behind the bar earlier in the night so I’m just here to help out the best I can. So you now have two choices: You can tell me what you want RIGHT NOW or I will walk away. Then you’ll have to wait until I or the divebardiva make it back to you — which will be even longer as I have wasted this time arguing with you instead of helping those said people YOU pointed out need drinks!”

S-Maggot (stumbling to find her words): “Um…. Well…. Um… I need 2 Mich Taps and 2 Redheaded Sluts.”

Me: “Ok, I don’t know how to make those. You’re going to have to wait for the DBD.”

S-Maggot (rolling her eyes): “Do you know how to at least make a Jag Bomb?”

Me: “Yes, that I can do for you!”

So now I give her the beers, and turn back to make the shots realizing that I am now at “full-stab.” But I decide to take the high road and try to be nice. It’s Saint Patrick’s Day, after all. So I bring her back the shots and say, “Those shots are on me. Have a great St. Patrick’s Day!” I forded a smile.

Needless to say… we didn’t see her the rest of the night!

  1. mrparx says:

    She made me feel a little stabby myself. And I am a beacon of calm.

    Maggot: I need you to stop drinking yourself and maybe start serving the drinks instead!

    This will be an excellent sentence to use in the “Don’t” column for Communication Effectiveness Training. I believe I shall take it, and thank you.

    Mr. P.

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