The Dive Bar Drama of Thing 1 and Thing 2

Posted: April 24, 2012 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings, Viva La Douche

Okay peeps, here is what the hell is goin on around here today. After three fun filled days of the flu, and then off to work for the weekend, I thought I’d better get a post out before a house falls on me or some other such shenanigans occur.

Today we have a story about Thing 1 and Thing 2. You would think that in the course of the weekend that one of these things would be the guy who pissed himself AND vomited up what amounted to a large fur ball at the bar. But alas … he didn’t even make the cut.

So to begin my tale I need to introduce a few characters. You may be familiar with them from previous posts. One of the customers I love (and sometimes love to hate) is called Beast. He used to be with Blondie whom I also love. But in the end, it was not to be. And now he is now firmly attached to the fiesty and adorable Honey Badger. I call her this because she is cute as a button — but corner her, and she’ll end your ass.

Sidenote: Blondie, if you are still a loyal follower, I would love to see you and catch up over drinks if you find yourself in any of the neighborhoods where I am known to be found. 🙂

So on to the guts of my tale. I love Beast for a few reasons … one is that he loves good food like I do. For any of you who know me on a personal level, ya know a bitch likes to eat. Second, he tips like a rockstar! And last but not least, although he does have a tendency to “mix it up a little,” he almost always has the good manners to do it outside and not at the bar.

So this weekend something I like to call Cirque de Douche happened to be rolling through town. While I was out making a phone call, Rocket was manning the bar and keeping the mayhem at a minimum. And while I was out, a gentleman called to ask what kind of entertainment we might have for the evening. Rocket informed him that we had a DJ. From there, it went a little like this:

Cirque de Douche (CdD): Hey, what’s goin on up there tonight?

Rocket: We have a DJ.

CdD: What the fuck…no karaoke? It’s my Dad’s 80th, and he wants to sing some damn songs.

Rocket (breathing, breathing): Well, I’m sure you could ask the DJ if he can sing something.

CdD: Well, give me your sober bus number cause I need a ride. Oh, and are you the bartender? Tell me what you look like cause I’m gonna come up there and ask you out.

Rocket then proceeds to tell me the story and runs from behind the bar like her ass was on fire, leaving me a sitting duck. So as I am known to do, I put this dumbass in the back of my mind to concentrate on other things — mainly just not throwing up or passing out behind the bar.

In my flu-induced state previously in the week, I had not been able to keep anything but ginger ale down. Not to mention the fact that my body was probably going into shock insomuch as I had not had any alcohol for three days. No food and no booze means this diva’s ability to concentrate is at an all time low.

However, true to his word, the dumbass appears with his 80-year-old Pop in tow. Now even as I type this, I’m laughing to myself as this pair of gents was quite the site. Pops is wearing a baseball hat with the infamous “mud flap” girls on either side and a very large pot leaf in the center. It may very well have been the coolest hat I have ever seen.

In any case, I’m looking around for whomever it was that we misjudged on the phone … meaning this awesome old dude’s son. With a dad like that, the guy has to be cool. Right? Wrong. Misjudge we did not. Standing behind this fine gentleman was such an enormous douche that he should have his own wing in the Douche Museum.

Sporting a Bluetooth telephone earpiece in a bar is just idiotic. Sporting one in a bar at midnight with the D. playing at the highest decibel possible just makes you look like a poser. And to be quite honest … a fucking ra-tard! Take that shit off your head, you moron. You are not important or interesting, and no one wants to talk to you in person, let alone ring you up on your Bluetooth device of pretentiousness and douchery.

So anyhow, Assclown decides that he’s going to start rubbing up on folks. And by folks, I clearly mean girls. And by girls, I clearly mean Honey Badger. Well, what little sense that the brain-sucking Bluetooth hadn’t taken care of was being highly taxed by Assclown’s level of drunkenness. And he was unaware of how close he was to losing a limb.

I sauntered over wondering what the hub bub was about, and it became instantly clear. Now, knowing as I do how fast Beast can go from zero to lethal (directly indicated by the guy sitting next to him with a broken beak because the previous night he didn’t understand the words “Stop touching my girlfriend” and was head butted into a general state of understanding) I ran right over to try and calm the storm.

divebardiva: Hey!

CdD: Heeyyyyy….

(God this guy is an idiot)

dbd: You need to step away from that girl right now or I will drag your ass out the door!

I then turned to Beast to assure him that I had this covered, and he in return assured me that he was still sitting down so all was well for now.

CdD: Hey pretty lady, why are you so mad at me? I didn’t do anything.

dbd: I’m gonna tell ya again and then you are gone. Step away from that girl, step away from the bar and go hang out somewhere else or I will flat out drag your ass out of this bar for the night … if not forever!

CdD: Okay, okayyyyyyy.

Well, crisis averted and no bloodshed. A win-win in my book. I think I heard tale of some issues on the bus and perhaps one or more people wanting to kick his ass by night’s end … but neither Beast nor I had to do the kickin so I was fine with that.

The next tale is short but sweet and it goes like this…

There once was a girl standing for drinks at the bar. She was fourth in line. After I went to the third person in line she whispered to her friend…

Bitchy Asshole: Maybe she’s waiting on all the ugly people first because she’s jealous of me.

Bitchy Asshole’s Friend: Yeah, we’ve been waiting like 10 minutes.

dbd: Hey girls. What can I get you?

Both Assholes: We want a shot but we don’t know what.

dbd: Okay, I’ll be back with ya when you figure it out.

Bitchy Asshole: I can’t believe she just walked away and went to wait on that fat girl instead of us.

At this particular point, I had had enough. And these bitches deserved a lot more than what they received, I can tell you that.

dbd: Listen, ladies … and I am using that term very loosely. When I looked over at you, I thought to myself, “Let me go see what those two pretty girls want.” And then I heard the bullshit coming out of your mouth. When I looked again, all I saw were two repulsive ignorant assholes. If you think you are better than anyone else because you are lucky enough to be physically attractive, well then you’re even dumber than you appear. I am also at this point exercising my right to refuse to serve you. So if you’d like something, go sit at a table and wait. But know this, if you are in any way disparaging to the waitstaff, you will find yourself exiting stage left and a hell of a lot faster than you came in.

So that is it for today folks! I hope you enjoyed a little peek into the hell that I call a weekend. May all your drinks be cold, all your bar staff be sexy, smart, funny and fast … and may you never run out of cash while you still feel like drinkin.

With lots of love and liquor,


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