Ask Your Bartender…

Posted: May 16, 2012 by divebardiva in Q&A: Ask Your Bartender

Okay people, I don’t know what the fuck is going on with a seismic shift in the earths polarization or what but I do know this…life has been pretty shitty for a lot of people I know and love and no bed of roses on this end either.

So for today I had some Q & A items from the lovely Vodka Toxic and I thought I would jot some things down to distract us all from the hand basket from hell this week has been. Even if it’s just for a few minutes. So here we go people, on to the questions.

Q: What is the best drink to order if you want to look like the coolest cat in the place?

A: This question has so many answers. I have been at bars in Texas where a cowboy will stroll in and order a Lone Star or Shiner and he’s so damn cute I have to pick my jaw up off the floor. We had a drink called a West Hollywood in NYC and the two boys that ordered those always looked pretty damn cool to me. Any girl who can drink a shot of Beam and a longneck always has my respect and that holds true with tequila too.

Basically my rule is (most of the time of course) I don’t mind making you what you want but I have no respect for those who have no idea what goes in what they are drinking. You should always know the ingredients of something you are ordering. I have a friend who cannot drink vodka. No way, no how. I myself cannot drink Jager or Jack. The former because I black out and get very mean, (and no I am not referring to Saturday night busy mean) a kind of mean that no one ever wants to see. And the latter was an alcohol poisoning incident at 17. Still can’t even smell the stuff.

Q: The cops seem to be called to your bar a lot. What is the best advice for not being taken to the slammer once the cops arrive?

A: Okay, anyone who knows me also realizes that we would have many homicides a weekend if I did not have the occasional beer and or safety meeting. I have tried the whole sobriety at work thing to no avail. And by tried of course I mean that one time I had a kidney infection and couldn’t drink for 10 days and when I had the flu a little while ago and had to for go shots for a few days. The moral of this little jaunt is that for the most part, if I’m at work, I’m drinking.

This being said, it is a tad problematic if the cops are called and you have to deal with them for any length of time. In all honesty, the less I see of the police in any situation the better. There are three situations in which the police are usually called.

1. If there is a fight and someone is bleeding. As far as I am concerned idiots can pound the crap out of each other in a testosterone and alcohol induced frenzy as long as they don’t get knocked out, bleed like a suck pig or break a bone. And also that all of their shenanigans stay outdoors.

2. Attention whores. I have unfortunately seen this a number of times. A girl comes in with her husband or boyfriend and for whatever reason she isn’t getting enough attention. Her man could be an ass…she could be a pain in one. In the end though the one that comes to mind is a girl asking a random hottie to dance to make her man jealous. A fight ensues. I diffuse the fight. However, attention whore isn’t satisfied with the peaceful resolution, incites another fight and then phones up the police herself.

3. Destruction of property. If you don’t have respect for the bar…the bar doesn’t have any respect for you. Off to jail you go dumbass.

Q: What are the worst mixing combinations? What are the ones patrons order that will always have them praying to the porcelain gods?

A: Ah yes, the dreaded vomitorium. Now for some unknown reason, people like to try and get their friends to throw up on birthdays and other special occasions. I personally wouldn’t be friends with someone if they ordered me a Cement Mixer (Baileys and lime juice) or a 3 Wisemen (Johnny, Jack and Jim Beam). These are all drinks for amateurs. The chances of you throwing up after drinking either of these things is probably quite high. However if you find yourself drinking one…you’re probably an idiot and might deserve it.

Q: I would like to create a cocktail called Iguana Wanda and I would like it to contain pineapple juice and have a kiwi garnish, what else would you put in it?

A: Okay I have decided to send out two new summer cocktails because with life being as it is for so many…we fucking need it. And because things are a dumpster fire raging out of control, the drinks of the day are my disaster drinks…yep you guessed it, VODKA!

The first will be my new morning beverage the Iguana Wanda. This will be similar to a Mimosa or Bellini. So buckle up kids cause here is how that shit goes:

5 ot 6oz of Italian Prosecco (a sparkling wine from Italy available everywhere) I personally love Lunetta Prosecco and it is resonably priced.

2oz pureed kiwi fruit

Splash of pineapple juice

Float Grey Goose Pear Vodka

Garnish with a kiwi slice.

You may be asking yourself “Why the vodka float?” Because baby, everything goes better with vodka.

Drink number two is a new spin on an old favorite. I remember when living in the south that the Mint Julep always sounded so lovely and festive. However, because I can not drink bourbon festive or no, it is not in my best interest. I have recently found a recipe for the famed Mint Julep made with none other than….wait for it…YES VODKA! Here is how that shit is gettin done:

3oz Grey Goose or your favorite vodka

1tbsp Elderflower liqueur (Check at your Lunds and Byerlys type wine and liquor stores)

3oz freshly juiced cucumber

1.5oz freshly squeezed lemon juice

2tsp simple syrup (glorified sugar water…any place will have it or make your own)

2oz ginger beer

Garnish with fresh mint leaves.

Combine everything but ginger beer to a highball filled with ice, top with gb and garnish!

So after this shit storm of a week I think that either or BOTH of the cocktails are in order. And to all my lovely peeps who are hurting out there…just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

All my love and liquor,


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