The Customer Bartender Paradigm

Posted: November 9, 2014 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay peeps … this is what the hamster in the wheel is coming up with today. Listen, as most of you know, I am not bartending as much as I used to. Mostly due to school but also because after 25+ years I am more than a little exhausted, and my patience for idiots and general bar drama is waning like the October moon.

However, I find that although I don’t work in that craziness anymore, I still don’t have a huge tolerance for it at my local watering hole. I go to see the bartenders I love — at bars that I tolerate — to get back to my roots and get a little witty bartender banter. And usually a ration of shit from the regulars that hold a place in my heart.

Good or bad the person that I am is directly related to time spent watching people and learning what makes them tick. That’s probably because I spent a lot of time in my formative years in a bar.

After school, we waited for Pops to finish work in a tiny booth at the back of the bar. We were allowed to play the jukebox, shoot pool and have a Tombstone pizza while we waited. One thing that was emphasized was manners. Kids don’t run in the bar. Kids don’t yell in the bar. Kids don’t sit AT the bar. If we were shooting pool and someone who belonged in the bar (aka grown ups) wanted to play, we dropped our cues and went back to our booth. It’s called manners and they were non negotiable.

So, that being said, many of us grownups can sometimes be heard saying, “Kids these days have no manners.” What I’ve noticed recently is that it’s not just kids. Some grown-assed people are sorely lacking in the manners department. Here are a couple of things that piss me off.

  1. Although it pisses me off when people order their drinks in reverse order (e.g., diet&captain), what really ticks me off is when a couple comes in and the dude is always in such a fucking hurry to get his drink ordered first. First of all, rudeness, I’m going to serve her first regardless of your readiness to shove her out of the way to get your order in because I have fucking manners. And PS: When you’re not getting laid later, think about what I said.
  2. I sit at the bar for a reason. Many reasons, actually. I like to talk with random people. I like my drinks directly from the bartender. And it’s just a nicer, more social environment. I also understand that other people do not share my affinity for bar seating. That being said, if you sit at a table, keep your ass at your fucking table. Do not pick all your dirty shit and bring it up to the bar. You have a server, they will be over in two shakes of a lamb’s tail to pick up your crap. And seriously, enough with the dirty plates. I love a T-bone. Love the look of one, love the smell of one. However, the desiccated bone that you’ve been gnawing on for the last twenty minutes makes me want to vomit. I didn’t order food. And if I did, I would no sooner drop my dirty fucking plates on your table as I would help myself to bite of your baked potato and a sip of your cosmopolitan. You are a table full of 50-year-old women. And you should know better.
  3. I quite often run into people who I knew in high school because I now reside very close to the town I grew up in. The other night (actually the same night as I dirty dish fiasco), I was sitting around after bingo, and this dude sidles up and asks if he can sit by me. Now, being as I was the only one sitting in that area of the bar, it seemed an odd question. That and the fact that he chose to sit two stools down after asking if he could sit by me seemed odd. Well, as odd often does, it quickly escalated to flat out fucking weird. As we are talking, we realize that we were actually in the same class. I remember him, but as being quite a bit taller. What could have been a pleasant conversation talking bout the good ole days, quickly became a “someone … anyone … please grab a fork and stab me in the neck to put me out of my misery” situation.

Lonely Loser:Well, I understand why you didn’t know me. Back in high school you and all your friends were way too good for me.”

First of all I’m calling an audible bullshit on this one. I was friends with everyone in high school and so were most of my friends. I have never hung around with assholes.

Lonely Loser:I have three grown children. I was in the Army for a while, but my life really hasn’t amounted to much.

Okay seriously? Three grown and healthy children and your life hasn’t amounted to much? Not cool dude…not cool. And the Army is nothing to dismiss either. You signed up and did your part whatever it may have been. You should be proud of that shit!

Lonely Loser:I can’t believe you even let me sit by you. You’re pretty and shouldn’t even want to talk to a guy like me.”

Dude. Stop that shit right now. I’m sitting next to you. We are having a conversation. Stop acting like you aren’t good enough. Honestly, if you spent more time having an actual conversation instead of putting yourself down and making me sound like an elitist asshole in the process, maybe you’d have better luck with the ladies. Oh, and as a side note: When you are the same size as me, six 22oz beers may be a bit more than you can handle. Jus Sayin.

Thank the good lord for one of my favorite bartenders. Turbo Chandelier witnessed the spectacle and asked the owner to let her drive me home. She yelled across the bar, “Hey, did you say you needed a ride?” Knowing that I did not, in fact, say any such thing, I just smiled at her and grabbed my purse. Thank god for bartenders with great hearing who have no problem seeing when the crazy may be hitting the fan. And is willing to help a gal out.

Well that’s it for today folks. Here’s hoping your day is going to be as fucking fantastic as mine. 🙂

With love and liquor,

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