Dear PIMA …

Posted: January 25, 2015 by divebardiva in Daily Ramblings

Okay my fine feathered friends … here’s what is going on today in this hellish frozen wasteland I call home. First of all, let me say that the last joint where I used to hang my proverbial bottle opener was, at the very least, more subdued than my usual gigs. There was nary a moment where I felt the primal urge to stab a fella. And on the off chance that there was, it wasn’t that big of an urge.

That being said, no matter how far and wide one travels — no matter what kind of establishment one may find themselves working — there’s always one pain in my ass (PIMA) who needs to be reckoned with. The following is a small rant in regards to the aforementioned PIMA.

Dear PIMA:

Why in the fuck must you be such a pain in my ass? I realize that I no longer work at a place where I have the freedom to call you out on your stupidity. And for that I am truly sorry. I understand also that sometimes people want what they want, and it really shouldn’t be a big deal to give it to them. I have my libation quirks. I love a dirty vodka martini with exactly 3 olives, and I also sometimes prefer to drink my red wine out of a rocks glass.

I would not, however, ask for any of this specific shit if it was overly busy or if it didn’t seem an appropriate time for such shenanigans. But I guess that’s just me.

Now believe me when I say to you that I understand not everyone is as aware of the bartender/waitperson strife as I. However, there is a little something called common fucking sense. And you, “lady,” are clearly lacking in that department. Why must you order cold Patron to be chilled even further with exactly one cherry (god forbid you get 2 or 3)?

Okay, so lets talk for a minute about Patron. For a bar tequila, it’s fine. It truly is. Especially if you’re not an experienced tequila drinker. Chill that shit up, chase it with some pineapple juice, and you can’t taste a thing. Unfortunately folks, that is not what drinking tequila is all about.

Now don’t misunderstand me. I’m a beer and tequila girl from way back. I take mine warm with no wheels. If I’m drinking to catch a buzz then I’m drinking plain Cuervo at maybe $3 or $4 a shot. I drink subpar tequila warm with no salt or fruit because that shit should go down like a bucket of fishhooks. If tequila is too easy to drink, and you’re looking to catch a buzz, that shit can quickly turn ugly.

The ugliness is only compounded by the fact that you just paid an exorbitant amount of money. Let’s just say you and a pal are out for a night on the town. You down 5 shots of Patron each throughout the night with a conservative 3 beers. For the two of you that tab is close to a $100. And you are in a dive bar, my friend, not some fancy digs in the city. Me and my friend had the same amount of drinks for around $50.

Factor in that the tequila went down so smoothly that your friend had a couple extra shots and spent the ride home puking out the window. Me and my friend, however, did not have the extras because of the previously mentioned fish hook situation.

I should be clear that there are some amazing tequilas out there, expensive and for sipping. If you’re going to shoot that shit, please take the carefully brand conscious stick out of your ass and wise up.

Do us tequila smarties a favor and order a Jag bomb or some other such nonsense and leave tequila to the professionals. Until next time my sweets! With love and liquor, divebardiva

  1. The Queen says:

    You had me at “hellish frozen wasteland I call home”

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