Archive for the ‘Q&A: Ask Your Bartender’ Category

Ask Your Bartender…

Posted: May 16, 2012 by divebardiva in Q&A: Ask Your Bartender

Okay people, I don’t know what the fuck is going on with a seismic shift in the earths polarization or what but I do know this…life has been pretty shitty for a lot of people I know and love and no bed of roses on this end either.

So for today I had some Q & A items from the lovely Vodka Toxic and I thought I would jot some things down to distract us all from the hand basket from hell this week has been. Even if it’s just for a few minutes. So here we go people, on to the questions.

Q: What is the best drink to order if you want to look like the coolest cat in the place?

A: This question has so many answers. I have been at bars in Texas where a cowboy will stroll in and order a Lone Star or Shiner and he’s so damn cute I have to pick my jaw up off the floor. We had a drink called a West Hollywood in NYC and the two boys that ordered those always looked pretty damn cool to me. Any girl who can drink a shot of Beam and a longneck always has my respect and that holds true with tequila too.

Basically my rule is (most of the time of course) I don’t mind making you what you want but I have no respect for those who have no idea what goes in what they are drinking. You should always know the ingredients of something you are ordering. I have a friend who cannot drink vodka. No way, no how. I myself cannot drink Jager or Jack. The former because I black out and get very mean, (and no I am not referring to Saturday night busy mean) a kind of mean that no one ever wants to see. And the latter was an alcohol poisoning incident at 17. Still can’t even smell the stuff.

Q: The cops seem to be called to your bar a lot. What is the best advice for not being taken to the slammer once the cops arrive?

A: Okay, anyone who knows me also realizes that we would have many homicides a weekend if I did not have the occasional beer and or safety meeting. I have tried the whole sobriety at work thing to no avail. And by tried of course I mean that one time I had a kidney infection and couldn’t drink for 10 days and when I had the flu a little while ago and had to for go shots for a few days. The moral of this little jaunt is that for the most part, if I’m at work, I’m drinking.

This being said, it is a tad problematic if the cops are called and you have to deal with them for any length of time. In all honesty, the less I see of the police in any situation the better. There are three situations in which the police are usually called.

1. If there is a fight and someone is bleeding. As far as I am concerned idiots can pound the crap out of each other in a testosterone and alcohol induced frenzy as long as they don’t get knocked out, bleed like a suck pig or break a bone. And also that all of their shenanigans stay outdoors.

2. Attention whores. I have unfortunately seen this a number of times. A girl comes in with her husband or boyfriend and for whatever reason she isn’t getting enough attention. Her man could be an ass…she could be a pain in one. In the end though the one that comes to mind is a girl asking a random hottie to dance to make her man jealous. A fight ensues. I diffuse the fight. However, attention whore isn’t satisfied with the peaceful resolution, incites another fight and then phones up the police herself.

3. Destruction of property. If you don’t have respect for the bar…the bar doesn’t have any respect for you. Off to jail you go dumbass.

Q: What are the worst mixing combinations? What are the ones patrons order that will always have them praying to the porcelain gods?

A: Ah yes, the dreaded vomitorium. Now for some unknown reason, people like to try and get their friends to throw up on birthdays and other special occasions. I personally wouldn’t be friends with someone if they ordered me a Cement Mixer (Baileys and lime juice) or a 3 Wisemen (Johnny, Jack and Jim Beam). These are all drinks for amateurs. The chances of you throwing up after drinking either of these things is probably quite high. However if you find yourself drinking one…you’re probably an idiot and might deserve it.

Q: I would like to create a cocktail called Iguana Wanda and I would like it to contain pineapple juice and have a kiwi garnish, what else would you put in it?

A: Okay I have decided to send out two new summer cocktails because with life being as it is for so many…we fucking need it. And because things are a dumpster fire raging out of control, the drinks of the day are my disaster drinks…yep you guessed it, VODKA!

The first will be my new morning beverage the Iguana Wanda. This will be similar to a Mimosa or Bellini. So buckle up kids cause here is how that shit goes:

5 ot 6oz of Italian Prosecco (a sparkling wine from Italy available everywhere) I personally love Lunetta Prosecco and it is resonably priced.

2oz pureed kiwi fruit

Splash of pineapple juice

Float Grey Goose Pear Vodka

Garnish with a kiwi slice.

You may be asking yourself “Why the vodka float?” Because baby, everything goes better with vodka.

Drink number two is a new spin on an old favorite. I remember when living in the south that the Mint Julep always sounded so lovely and festive. However, because I can not drink bourbon festive or no, it is not in my best interest. I have recently found a recipe for the famed Mint Julep made with none other than….wait for it…YES VODKA! Here is how that shit is gettin done:

3oz Grey Goose or your favorite vodka

1tbsp Elderflower liqueur (Check at your Lunds and Byerlys type wine and liquor stores)

3oz freshly juiced cucumber

1.5oz freshly squeezed lemon juice

2tsp simple syrup (glorified sugar water…any place will have it or make your own)

2oz ginger beer

Garnish with fresh mint leaves.

Combine everything but ginger beer to a highball filled with ice, top with gb and garnish!

So after this shit storm of a week I think that either or BOTH of the cocktails are in order. And to all my lovely peeps who are hurting out there…just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

All my love and liquor,


Okay people, here’s how things are shaping up today. As you may know, I’ve been left to my own devices and void of responsibility for the last few weeks — as is always the case at summer’s end. I realize the posts have been few and far between, and I’m grateful to all who contributed in my absence. However, sometimes a girl has just gotta get her drink on and cannot be bothered with coherent, let alone witty banter following said “drink on.”

But I’m back, bitches! And today, we’re back to our old Friday plans. It’s my favorite segment (because I’m a lazy ass): Ask Your Bartender!

Let’s get to it then, shall we?

Q: If you could only drink one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

A: Yikes. Are you fuckin kidding me? This may be the hardest question the divebardiva has EVER had to answer. I kinda wanna be the James Kirk and change the game so I can somehow have my way in an otherwise impossible situation. (And yes, I did just totally use a dorky Star Trek reference.) This one is tough.

I can’t imagine my life without beer. So many good foods and good times are directly associated with beer. I love red wine but would hardly drink it at a tailgate party, baseball game or hot summer day. On the other hand, when I am totally stressed out and my life has taken a catastrophic turn, it is a vodka martini that makes everything okay.

And I certainly don’t know what my Sundays or holidays would be like with no mimosas to turn my hangover frown upside down. And tequila … well you all know my love for tequila. There’s nothing like it to kick your ass into high gear. And lastly, wine — sweet nectar of the Gods — there is nothing better with a fine meal or just some bread with rosemary and olive oil and a good cheese.

Okay, clearly folks, I could never pick just one. I didn’t even mention that every time I go on vacation I make two pina coladas…one for each hand. Choosing just one libation can’t be done…at least not by me.

Q: Tailgating season is kicking off in full force, any ideas for cocktails and such?

A: I personally think beer and tailgating go hand in hand. No need to get fancy. However, I do like themed tailgating as well. The Bossman has a great recipe for beer margaritas which go really well with tailgate fajitas. I also like a chelada which is just beer on ice with limes and a bit of salt.

Closer to the winter months, warm drinks work well in the elements — especially if you’re from the great white north like I am. I like a mixture of equal parts Smirnoff, Bailey’s, Kahula, and Frangelico with coffee and a touch of cream. If you get jonsey after too many coffees, then you can sub hot water with honey and make it a hot toddy.

But my personal belief on tailgating is beer for drankin and nips of booze for warmth. It’s worked for me since high school, and you know what they say…If it ain’t broke…

Q: I have heard that you blow fire while you are working. Have you ever seen any stupid bar tricks or tricks gone wrong?

A: Well, there are several ways that I have seen the fire trick go awry. First of all, if two people are standing too close to each other, the fire will hit in the middle and come back toward the fire blowers at a rapid pace. This results in singed eyebrows, bangs and eyelashes.

If you attempt to start a ring of fire on the bar and the ceiling fans are on high, the fire will come directly back toward your face. When this happened to me, I ducked fast like a bunny and it went right over my head. And here are some additional small pointers when blowing fire:

  • Avoid hairspray, glitter, nail polish and anything with a cute sparkly scarf that you got for 2 bucks at goodwill because those things ignite like a bastard.
  • If your hand will not go out after using it as a match, do not shake it rapidly but put it out in the dish sink instead.

Now the most idiotic trick that I have seen in person was, oddly enough, at a holiday party that Vodka Toxic and I were throwing. One of our friends brought a guest. He seemed like a normal person; he even brought homemade beeswax candles as a hostess gift. Thoughtful, right? He also brought his tarot cards … kinda cool as I am open minded to such things.

However, as the night progressed, he seemed a little off kilter. And at some point, he decided to show us how he could eat glass. Again, I’m totally open minded to these things as some people find it odd that I blow fire. But I did NOT appreciate that he chose my favorite glass to eat. (Don’t judge because you know you have one.) He just grabbed it and started chewing. To top it off, he clearly had no idea how to actually eat glass as he was bleeding like a stuck pig all over my fucking kitchen to everyone’s horror. Might have been cool at a Halloween party but it was completely disturbing at our Christmas soiree.

So that is it for today people. It may not be pretty, but it’s my life and I gotta live it.

With love and liquor,


You Ask, We Answer: Bar Brawls and Boobs

Posted: August 12, 2011 by divebardiva in Q&A: Ask Your Bartender

Okay bitches, here’s what is goin on today. My week has been lovely due to my faithful followers turning in a bevy of hilarity in the form of “Submit Your Shit” posts.

The hamster has been runnin in the damn wheel nonstop but sometimes it’s hard to get things down on paper when I’m thinking about them. Since my two best thinking spots are the shower and the car, neither is conducive to jotting down one’s thoughts. Yet another reason why I need to win the lottery so I can have a little ASS-sistant to follow me about and write down the ridiculous shit that flies out of my mouth.

So, this weekend is going to be a doozy as I’m working Friday-Sunday at my little slice of hole in the wall. All of this madness should make for good stories which will need to be posted before Thursday at 8 a.m. as that is when my Homorita arrives. Once he arrives, all bets and clear thinking are going to be off off off. Now today’s post will be your favorite and mine … Ask Your Bartender! I’ve got one word for ya people: Wahoo!

Well peeps, let’s get to gettin shall we?

Q: Have you ever hit a customer in a bar fight or any other scenario?

A: Every now and then, violence happens at a bar. I’ve worked at many an establishment where such things have occurred. Most of my NYC bars came with security who would throw you to the curb (making sure you hit it on the way out) and not think twice about it.

Most places, however, have had me do double-duty as a bouncer. I think that having a girl take care of things works because guys are at least a bit hesitant about hitting a girl (unfortunately, that is not always the case) and will also listen to one when she is bossin his ass around.

Now I have to say now that I don’t recommend getting in the middle of men trying to kick each other’s asses unless you have to. Believe me when I tell you if they all fought outside I could not give a shit less. I’ve actually been heard having this exact conversation with one of my hot waitress bitches…

HWB: Wow, there is a huge fight outside…

DBD: Is the whole thing out in the lot?

HWB: Yeah but they are really kickin each other’s asses, shouldn’t we call the cops?

DBD: Is anyone unconscious or bleeding? Are 10 dudes beating up one guy?

HWB: No it looks pretty even and everyone is still standing.

DBD: Then why would I call the damn cops and get people who are just here having a good time pulled over because some douchebags needed to release their over-abundance of testosterone? Just keep your eye on them and if someone goes down, let me know.

However and unfortunately, most fighters want someone to see them fighting and need to start a bunch of shit where there are the most people. There are also other times when a person is a little too drunkypants — meaning that someone is going to have to put them in their place to avoid any real unpleasantness.

Such was the case with my good friend and customer, Bite Me. (His name deriving from the fact that he says this to me constantly.) Bite Me had been partying with his friend Jack Daniels. Although he is a big boy and can handle his booze, he was quite full this particular evening.

He wasn’t usually a touchy-feely guy, so I was getting a little irked when he kept grabbing my arm. The second to the last time he did so, I told him that if he didn’t stop it, I would stab his ass. He found this funny for some reason and grabbed my wrist again, snapping my bracelet and cutting my arm. Quick as a wink I grabbed a pencil, stabbed him in the back of the hand and returned it to the bar.

Lesson: If I tell you I’m gonna stab your ass…I may very well do so.

Q: In all the cities you have ever worked in, which one had the hottest guys?

A: Atlanta, without question. Cute cute cute boys. They are everywhere. From my old roommate Irish, to all my cute kitchen boys, to SantaG — the only boy I ever dated with better hair than me — to band boys like BradleyB and my Roxy Crew, to every tattooed boy that ever worked at Fellini’s to Skater and even my pain in the ass ex and his adorable frat mates! CUTE CUTE CUTE! Not to even mention all my hot homos! Oh how I miss Atlanta!

Q: I participated (in fact may have initiated) “Boobfest 2011” at your establishment. When is the next boobfest going to be?

A: Yes my friend, you did initiate and it was fabulous. One of the very best nights I have worked, I must say. I’m working all weekend and think that “Boobfest Part Deux” is totally in order. However, if you prefer, we could have it when Homorita arrives and then we can make sure to have photos on the blackmail machine of the whole event. Oh Boobfest, how I have missed you.

Have a great weekend, peeps!

Love and Liquor,
the divebardiva

Okay people, here’s what is going on today: It’s that time of the week again for Ask Your Bartender! This week’s questions are a little racy so if you are faint of heart or easily offended … What the hell am I saying? If you were either of those things, you sure as shit wouldn’t have signed up for this blog now, would ya? I think not, my friend. I think not.

So away we go.

Q: Have you ever had sex in any of the bars you have worked in?

A: Wow — we’re getting a little personal! Someone’s feeling a bit kinky today. Okay, here’s the answer: When I was 21, I had already been bartending for almost four years and married for one. Yes, I grew up quickly.

As things often do in life, major changes were on the horizon. And at the ripe old age of 22, I was divorced. Although my taste in men once ran to any dude in a band, it was eventually replaced by bartenders. I love bartenders for a myriad of reasons. They are (usually) sexy, funny, smart — and most importantly –serving me some fine adult beverages. So people, the point of this story is a big YES.

I have had sex in the bars I have worked in — and in some that I haven’t. I also once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. Kidding! hee hee

Q: Have you ever dated a customer or a coworker?

A: Well, where hot people, alcohol and low inhibitions come into play, there’s bound to be some “co-mingling.” I do not recommend dating where you work. However, sometimes things just happen. My Pops used to have a great saying (as all bartenders do), “Kid, don’t shit where you eat.” It’s some of the best advice I have ever received. If you date or just sleep with a coworker, things have a tendency to get complicated.

God forbid you break up, and it ain’t pretty. You might find yourself working every Saturday with your ex across the bar with a new hooker on his lap every week. The same can be said for customers, sometimes people are not who you thought they were. And now they have your work schedule and all the time in the world to torture you while you’re trying to make a living.

Sometimes it works out just fine but, more often than not, things get ugly. You may have to leave your job if things get too bad, or you may lose one of your best customers because they don’t want to see you after things go awry.

But who knows? Maybe ya meet the love of your life, and everything is hunky dory. Things like this don’t happen to just everybody — and I’m really not that lucky — so I like to stick to the basics.

Q: Tattoos and dive bars go together like PB&J. Have you seen any particularly strange or memorable ones?

A: I love tats. My golden dragon will be EPIC when finished. Some of the ones I’ve seen and loved:

  • Guns on the hips
  • A shawl of flowers across the entire back on one of my BFFs
  • Beautiful Ganesha (Hindu elephant gods) on one of my ATL girls
  • A Portrait of Elvis — still one of my faves
  • A Big Wheel tat on my girl, the Fascist (now that shit is cool!)
  • The intricate koi on my bitch Vodka Toxic

And a couple that haven’t impressed me:

  • The word FILTH — not sure why you’d want that on your body
  • A Raggedy Ann doll on a male bartender in Fort Lauderdale with the words “suck me” underneath

Check out for some more dandies. My favorites are the misspelled ones like, “By your side whatever your going thru.”

That’s it for today! Please sign up for the blog if you haven’t already by entering your email at the bottom of the home page.

Love ya, Bitches!
the divebardiva

Okay people, here’s where it’s at today. Let’s all rejoice as today is one of your favorites and mine … wait for it … “Ask Your Bartender” featuring yours truly, the divebardiva.

Now we all know why this is my favorite — yeah, cause I’m lazy. And I’m pretty sure you like it cause you’re trapped at work on a Friday with nothing better to do than read my blog, pray for the end of the day and daydream about some serious weekend fun.

So let’s get started as I would like to get my ass to the beach as it is a BEAUTIFUL day in the Great White North.

Q: The theme nights at your bar sound cool. What are some of the best costumes you’ve seen or worn?

A: Okay, this is actually a good question and a fun little walk down memory lane for me. My recent favorite was when me and my sister dressed up as Bat Girl and Super Girl for Superhero Night. Total hotness.

I think I must secretly want to be a superhero. Because another of my favorites was when one of my best girls and I dressed up as X-rated superheros for Halloween at the NYC bar where we worked. I was Betty Blowjob, and she was Vicki Vibrator. (The photo from that night will be seen on the cover of my book, “Strangers Have The Best Candy.”)

One of my favorite customers, First&Last, came as Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter to a recent bar event. And honestly, he looked just like him.

Incognito night at my current locale was a blast with 62% showing up dressed as one of our regular female customers — including the hair scrunchy she sports. My wingman Maverick showed up at that event as me, the divebardiva, and called everyone douchebags. I also loved Ginger Ninja and friends dressed as Mario, Luigi and Company.

Next theme night? 80’s Night! The spandex and Aqua Net should be at toxic levels.

Q: Would you rather be served an amazing drink by an awful bartender or an awful drink by an amazing bartender?

A: First of all, this is a trick question because amazing bartenders typically don’t serve awful drinks. But just for the sake of argument, let’s just say a bartender I loved could not make a martini that I loved.

This actually does happen sometimes, and it doesn’t deplete their awesomeness one bit as far as I am concerned. I love a good drink … don’t get me wrong. But I cannot abide an awful bartender no matter how damn good that drink is.

I can always just switch to beer and tequila and call it a day. You can’t, however, turn an unwilling bartender into someone interesting, fun, smart, entertaining or sweet. And that’s just how I fuckin roll, my friends.

Q: (From Vodka Toxic herself) The last time we partied together, you had the bartender make us a shot that tasted like bubble gum. Deeeelish! What’s the shot, and how do you make it?

A: Ah yes, the Bazooka Joe. This little lovely is made in a bomb cup with Bacardi Limon and grenadine in the center and Red Bull on the outside. My bestie Vanilla Iceman makes a version that is so frickin delicious you wanna cry. So I shall stalk her this weekend and get her special recipe.

Have a great weekend, peeps!

All my love and liquor,
the divebardiva

Okay, people … divebardiva here. It’s time for our favorite regular column: Ask Your Bartender! This is when you ask the questions and I tell it like it is. Like I’ve said before: My life may be a disaster but I give the best advice on the planet. 😉 So bring it!

Let’s get to this week’s questions:

Q: What’s the biggest bar tab you’ve seen?

A: Well … I work at dive bars (aka home of the $3 draft beer). So I don’t see the $10,000 bar tabs you might get for a night of  bottle service at a South Beach club. However, I did a party once where their bar tab was over $1500. That was just booze and just for a couple of hours. They tipped $400 and then one of the customers palmed me another hundo, kissed me on the cheek and told me I was amazing. Great party!

Q: Have you ever had a customer who couldn’t pay their tab? What did you do?

A: Oh, I’ve seen it. I’ve seen it all. And this situation certainly happens on occasion. Sometimes it’s the bank’s fault (or so the customer claims) and sometimes it’s the customer’s bad.

Look, times are tough. And maybe you’re not sure how much fundage is available on your card. So here’s whatcha do: Ask the bartender to run it before the first round … and then each round afterward … rather than run up a huge tab and then have problems at the end.

Now back to the question at hand — when customers can’t pay, we keep your credit card, hold your tab and expect you to pay it the following day.

Q: You mentioned Vegas in a previous post. What are your favorite places to party?

A: I saved the best question for last! I love, love, love, LOVE Vegas. I love everything about it.

Now on our last birthday trip out there, we hit the Palms and did a Moon, Ghost Bar and Playboy Club trifecta. Other than quite possibly being drugged by some less-than-stellar Europeans, I had THE best time at all of the previously mentioned.

If you’re planning a trip out there, I have a bomb-diggity tip for ya. Miss Vodka Toxic — being quite the planner that she is — totally hooked us up at the Palms with VIP entry and no cover charge at all three of these clubs. She hates lines, waiting and paying to party.

So how’d she do it? All you need to do is an Internet search for “free Vegas club passes.” There are a ton of promoters out there who are paid to get groups of girls in the clubs. We had our token Homorita with us, but since we were a large group of almost all girls, the promoter hooked us up. We didn’t pay a cent and saved $80 in cover charges … and we didn’t have to wait in line. There is no cost for this service, so if someone asks for a credit card or some sort of payment online, don’t do it.

Now on my birthday trip, we were staying at the Golden Nugget. On the last day, we found this great little Irish Bar nearby right on Freemont. The name of the place was Hennessey’s. And the staff was … in a word … fanfuckingtastic! This was the bar that actually cured me of my day-after-drugging and also contributed to Pretty’s now famous, Vegas Cutoff! This is a prime example of people making a place. I will return to this bar every time I am in Vegas without question.

One last tip: In Paris, there’s a little wine bar in the front of the outside restaurant. It’s a wonderful place for a 5 p.m. glass of vino and … if you ask … they will bring you warm brie and crackers. It’s not on the menu — you have to request it. Then you can step outside and view the Bellagio fountains. Heaven.

Have fun this weekend. Get buzzed, get lucky and get home safely.

Love and Liquor,

What are your favorite Vegas haunts? Let us know by replying to this post!

Okay people, my extreme apologies for my lack of posts this week. Thankfully, we have wonderful readers who have picked up my slack by submitting their stories of horror and humor that go hand-in-hand with being a server.

I tried my level best to post a little “Ask Your Bartender” shenanigans on Friday. But alas, my Blackberry was not up to the task. One more reason why there’s an iPad in my future.

Another culprit for my posting tardiness is that this bartender has a tendency to drink a beer (or six) while mowing the lawn. And that can easily turn into an afternoon with Holla — followed by more beers, work, and still more beers. I think that my 10 sober days were completely cancelled out in one weekend. Yikes.

Well, I’m back and that’s all that matters. And it’s that time again … time for Ask Your Bartender! We have some great questions today so I’m going to try and inform you within an inch of your lives. Exciting, isn’t it?

Q: Martinis … any interesting ones?

A: Okay, first of all I have to say that I like my martinis a certain way. Drop of vermouth, a little dirty, straight up and pleeeeze don’t skimp on the Russian vodka. Now people always ask me about vodka. Miss Toxic (who has vodka in her name, for crying out loud) absolutely adores Grey Goose. But all I have to say that if you look through history, the Russians have always known their vodka. It’s in their blood.

Russians are hearty people, they’ve been through horrors and hardship that we — as spoiled Americans — can never fully understand. You know what helped them survive? That’s right peeps…it was vodka, dammit! Vodka! Vodka! Vodka! One of the best weddings I’ve ever had the pleasure of attending featured a frozen sculpture with dishes of caviar and small glasses of vodka. The divebardiva was in heaven, my friends. HEAVEN!

Now I’m gonna throw out some martinis that I have had, and loved, as well.

1. Chocolate Martini with a Dark Cocoa Rim at Angelo & Maxies steakhouse in NYC. I don’t know the exact recipe but here’s where you can order ’em:

2. Cucumber Martini had in Chicago by Vodka Toxic which in her words was deeelish. She’s been raving about this one for a while. Here’s the recipe if you’d like to give it a whirl:

  • 2 oz. vodka
  • 1/4 oz. lemon juice
  • 2 slices cucumber
  • 3 pieces mint
  • 1/2 oz. sugar syrup 

Muddle (that’s fancy bartender talk for smush the hell out of it) mint and a cucumber slice in a cocktail shaker. Add other ingredients and ice. Shake and strain into a chilled martini glass, and garnish with a slice of cucumber and fresh mint.

3. Caipirinhi Martini with Cachasa – I had the real deal in a bar in Miami and can’t wait to make the martini version this summer! If you like mojitos, this is the perfect upgrade. Again, just for you darling drunkards, I have the recipe:

  • 2 teaspoons brown sugar
  • 1 lime cut into wedges
  • 2 Oz Cachasa
  • Juice of half a lime
  • 1 Oz Rose’s Lime Juice

Muddle/smush the limes and sugar. Add the cachasa, fresh lime juice and Rose’s Lime Juice. Shake with ice and strain into a chilled martini glass.

Now, this drink can be made with vodka instead of cachasa. But then the drink isn’t a caipirinhi; it’s a caipiroshka.

4. Mango Martini — This is my little bit of love…again with the healthy dose of Russian vodka, one drop of vermouth, and mango puree with a turbinado sugar rim. Yum in a glass, my friends.

Q: What’s better: Tap or bottle beer?

A: This is a good question, but also one that doesn’t have a specific answer. I’ve never been a fan of tap because many bars have very long lines to the kegs or don’t feel the need to keep up the needed maintenance and regular cleaning of those lines.

Bacteria is not your friend…trust me on this one. Headaches and bad guts the day following a draft beer extravaganza is quite the norm. However, if you frequent a place who have their lines cleaned regularly — dive or no — draft beer is a reasonably priced alternative to bottle. Most bars have specialty beers on tap, as well. So if you’re into trying new things, it’s a good way to roll.

Q: What do you do with customers who pass out?

A: It’s funny that you ask this question because I used to feel differently about it than I do now. Back in the day, if someone passed out, we usually just threw them right out the door. I mean, sometimes you didn’t even try to wake them up…just chuck them out on their asses.

These days, however, I have quite a few customers who occasionally pass out at the bar. Depending on their behavior leading up to the “nappie,” we usually just let them sleep. Sometimes we transport them to a vehicle and let them sleep it off. Sometimes we point, laugh and take pictures.

So that’s it for today, folks. Again, my huge apologies for lack of posts, but please know that I’m back on the horse and ready to ride (but never bareback … rest assured I always wear protection when I post). 😉

Okay people, we all know that drinking like a rock star and having to pee every 10 minutes is just part of the deal. But when you’re drinking your body weight in water instead of beer, it becomes more than a little annoying.

While I’m feeling quite a bit better than I was — and probably healthier due to massive water intake and no sugar, caffeine or booze — the massive daily headaches leave a bit to be desired. Maybe it’s crazy, but if I’m gonna have a mind-numbing hangover headache, I’d like to be hungover. At least then I had some fun the night before.

So clearly, since today is “Ask Your Bartender” day, it’s all workin in my favor. I don’t have too much work to do and can just address ya’lls lovely questions. And then get my hot ass back to sleepin off these ridiculous meds. So let’s get on with it then, shall we?

Q: If you could bring three things to a bar, what would they be?

A: Well, this is actually a really fun question. I have this amazing friend Mr. Parx who is also a loyal Bar Trash follower (just one of the many reasons I love him). Anyhow, many years ago when we all lived and drank in the ATL we frequented a little haunt called Atkins Park.

Atkins is a great neighborhood bar — and although it has gotten a little fratish for my taste — we had a large reunion there a couple years ago and it was just like old times. My favorite bartenders and customers and a room full of old friends. It was spectacular.

But I digress, getting back to my friend Mr. Parx. He loved games. All sorts of games … from chess to barrel o monkeys. And he would always have a game on hand. We turned everything (except chess) into a drinking game. And it was always a total and complete blast.

Speaking of drinking games — we used to play a game called Pigs at The Roxy. And my sister, 5 Dog fabulous made me a drinking board game fashioned after the movie Tombstone. It was the BEST fucking birthday present EVER! She got the idea from a game that Mr. Parx, Skater Punk, Frenchie and a few other college chums created called “Captain Ahab’s Bunghole.”

Drinking games are fantastic fun. So I think that definitely tops the list of things I would bring to the bar.

Sidenote: My lovely friend Holla and I had a great teacher who actually allowed us to make a drinking game for school which earned us an “A” for the semester. It was fashioned after “The Big Lebowski.” And because they are lovely, Mr. Parx and Skater worked diligently for no academic credit whatsoever, on a game that is downright fan-fucking-tastic.

I believe the second thing that I would bring would be a pen or sharpie. (For the sharpie reasoning, please see a past post called Angel Boob vs. Devil Boob.) The pen reasoning is just common sense. I always like to have something on hand to write down a hottie’s number, a good idea, a bartender’s name or a drink recipe. I also have a tendency to see some really bad behavior from the seated side of the bar which makes for good blog copy. Yes, a pen is essential.

And last but not least: Tipping cash. It’s fine if you want to run a tab and use a debit card — as long as you’re not an ass and want me to run it every time you order. However, most bars make servers and bartenders claim all of their charge tips. I have even heard of places that put your charge tips on a check and you only receive them with your paychecks. That is no bueno people. No frickin bueno!  So cash, and plenty of it, would be item number three!

I will add that when I’m bartending, my three essentials are (in no particular order):

  1. My Becks bottle opener
  2. My Kershaw pocket knife
  3. Band-Aides.

Red lipstick doesn’t hurt either…just in case.

Q: Have you ever had to confront anyone for getting a little too frisky in the bar?

A: First of all, let me say that I love your use of the word “frisky.” Much like dreamboat, frisky is a word that has fallen by the wayside for no good reason at all. The answer to your question is a yes, upon a yes, upon a yes.

As I’ve mentioned before, I used to work in this great little dive in NYC called The Red Light. The Red Light was frequented by music greats, stars, agents, artists and regular folk. It was also frequented by tranny hookers. I loved New York for this reason. People don’t hate for race, religion or sexual proclivity. They hate ya cause you’re an asshole…period and end of discussion.

So to continue, I’ve walked in on more than a few blowjobs in the Red Light’s bathroom. This is how I handled one particular situation with a “lady” of the night.

Me: When you’re finished in here…I need to talk with you.

T.H.: Okay doll, be done in a jiffy. (Jiffy … also a word I like)

Me: I’m gonna need you to spread the word on this because I hate repeating myself.

T.H. Can do, girl.

Did I mention how agreeable tranny hookers are?

Me: Hey, I know you ladies are workin hard out there. And I get it. However, I’m also working hard in here. So we we need to set some rules.

Rule #1: If you’re coming in to use the facilities, you need to be purchasing a drink.

Rule #2: Ya’ll need to tip. You’re making money, and I should be too.

And rule #3: These transactions are a one-at-a-time deal and need to be held in the men’s room. I need at least the ladies room open for people who actually have to pee. Does that sound fair?

T.H.: That sounds like a wonderfully fair exchange, you gorgeous thing.

Did I also mention how sweet T.H. are? Look we’re all learning! Isn’t it fun?

Now there have more than enough cases of too much PDA in other bars where I’ve worked, including hands down the pants, up the skirt, etc. But it’s a bar so who fuckin cares? Besides, I try not to judge as I’ve had more than my fair share of action in more than my fair share of bars.

Nobody ever kicked me out or scolded me. So I figure it’s only good karma to respond in kind.

Q: Has anyone tipped you with something other than cash?

A: Yes actually. I have a ton of shiny things that people bring me for my shiny-things bag … but this is usually IN ADDITION to cash. But here’s a list of things that were given in lieu of:

  • Hat
  • Poetry
  • Lotto Tickets
  • Jewelry
  • Kisses
  • A Cat o Nine Tails Whip (to this day, one of my favorite tips)

So that’s it for today, folks. Please keep sending in your questions so I don’t have to think too hard on Fridays.

Love and still no fucking liquor,



Okay people, today is one of your favorite posts (and mine): Ask your bartender! I look forward to this weekly Q&A for a myriad of reasons. Those who know me are pretty much aware of my occasional laziness. Other than that, I kinda like the interactive process of our loyal readers asking questions and me trying to pull some answers outta my ass.

So, let’s get started shall we?

Q: I’ve been reading the blog for a while now. Where the hell is Clown Town?

A: Well folks, Clown Town is in Zimmerman, MN. And while we love to poke fun of it, I have tons of beautiful friends and long-time customers who live there. I have spent every Saturday night for the past six years working in different “Clown Town” bars — and getting paid very well for it.

Let’s face facts here: Every town has the possibility of being a Clown Town. Especially when you live in a state where drinking is a national pastime.

Q: If you get truly shit service is it okay to stiff your bartender?

A: This one is difficult for me. First of all, I am one of the pickiest people in the world when it comes to service. I’m always looking at the little things … the minute details that other people don’t tend to notice.

I couldn’t care less if you grab olives for my martini with your fingers. However, if it isn’t the way I asked for it — drop of vermouth and dirty — I am sorely disappointed and will probably never order a martini from you again.

I personally don’t ever stiff anyone. I find it bad bartender karma. If I get bad service — which I rarely do as I know most of the bartenders who wait on me — I will tip 15%. It may sound weird, but I usually tip 30% … so 15% is a bitch slap in the face when it’s coming from me.

I’ve recently been forced to be waited on (if you can call it that) by a new bartender at one of my favorite watering holes. This person has less-than-zero personality and is normally more concerned with texting and eating than servicing my needs. This will not stand my friends…it will not stand. That being said, I still have never stiffed his non-bartending ass.

Q: What pick-up lines have worked on you?

A: Hmmm … well, here are just a few off the top of my head:

  • I’m moving to Italy in two days.
  • My shore leave ends tomorrow.
  • You don’t have to choose…you can have us both.
  • I am the official welcoming committee for Ireland.
  • I’m a scientist, and I’m working on making my hypothesis into theory. If two sexy people rub themselves together really fast, do they spontaneously combust?

That last one made me laugh so hard that beer came out my nose. I gotta tell ya, I’m a sucker for a guy who can make me laugh. The rest of the ones I listed will pretty much work on any recently divorced twenty-something. And by recently divorced twenty-something…I clearly meant me.

Well that’s it for this week, my friends. I think that we will be permanently moving the “You Ask, We Answer” to Fridays as that will give you bitches time to get all of your questions together and send them along.

Have a good weekend peeps, and if something ridiculous happens to you…PLEASE share! Click on “Submit Your Shit” above and let loose.

You Ask, We Answer: Stalkers Anyone?

Posted: May 19, 2011 by divebardiva in Q&A: Ask Your Bartender

Okay people. It is time in the week for another rousing edition of  “Ask Your Bartender.” You know, that time when I can’t think of anything to say so we take questions from our loving readers. I have to apologize in advance for the lack of amazing editing this week (and the one following) but my editor extraordinaire has left the building. Her job sometimes requires she travel to exotic locales (Chicago) and in turn, means that you guys have to deal with my poor punctuation and run-on sentences. It won’t kill ya, just try to breathe through it.

Also, as some of you may not be friends of mine on facebook, I am throwing a link up that I hope you will all take a minute and donate. It’s easy as pie and it is for one of my awesome friends. You know you bitches have money, so let’s just take that Starbucks cash for the day or week…whatever you can spare…and support my peep who is pedaling to Alaska for cancer research.

Seriously people, if nothing else do it cause it will make you feel better about yourself…those of you who feel good about themselves already? Congrats. Now do it cause I said so dammit! Thanks to everyone for your support, here and there! Love you bitches to death!

So now that I am done bossin you bitches around…it is time for our questions of the week.

1. So, I have heard some bartenders have “groupies”…have you ever had an unwelcome one? A bar stalker?

A: Why yes, yes I have.

On a serious note I do not recommend letting customers in your life until you truly know them. Be safe and smart by not telling people what kind of car you drive or where you live. 

Sometimes bar stalkers are great. They show up for your shifts and are normally a welcome addition to the evening. They can also be called regulars. The difference between stalkers and regulars is that a regular will come in any and sometimes every day no matter who is working. Stalkers come to see you on your shifts and sometimes, that is all.

Occasionally weird is just fucking weird and you have to deal with people who are just coming in to make lewd remarks while you grit your teeth and smile because it’s your job. Sometimes it’s just an old man who comes in everyday and asks for bullets and drinks a couple of PBR’s in a can while you pretend to look for them. The fact remains that if you have someone that goes out of their way to come and see you and give you their hard earned money…that is a good thing. That person pays your electric for the month. However, if someone is waiting at your car when you leave or god forbid at your apartment when you get home…this is a problem and you should not take it lightly.

Ladies here is a little bit of advice: If one of us wanted to go home with a cute boy from the bar on any given night that we were working or perhaps just visiting we always got ID. Now I don’t mean carding a fella…I mean taking his license and telling him he can come pick it up tomorrow when your girlfriend arrives back safely. It may seem excessive but I used to work at a little dive in NYC and years after I was gone, a bartender went home with a customer who stabbed her repeatedly and killed her. As horrifying as it is…it can and does happen anywhere so take care of each other!

2. What are the “must-haves” for a great dive bar?

A: First of all, ya’ll know how I feel about uniforms, generic crap on the walls and fucking flair…so I will not insult anyone’s intelligence by even discussing these. I think a great dive bar serves a good drink. They start you off with a barn burner and dial it back from there. I like some smart talk in my dives. Whether it be from a crazy old man regular or a sassy bartender smart talk is essential.

I also love memorabilia if it is actually pertinent to the actual bar…pictures of regulars or drunken golf tourneys. The current bartender and the bar cat wearing matching outfits (don’t laugh cause I have one…thanks Jerome). And finally, low lighting people…that’s right bitches, you think everyone doesn’t need low lighting? Try drinking in a Legion or trying on a bathing suit at Sears…it ain’t pretty my friends.

Lastly, the dives I love are usually a little dirty, a lot divey and a place that I feel proud to call home. They don’t always smell the best or are a little dusty but the beer is ALWAYS cold, the staff are smart and funny…or so bitter that you find it funny, and the customers are usually hard working, hard drinkin professionals who are dive bar entertainment personified.

3. What are the strangest things that people have left at your bar?

A: Okay this is actually a great question with so many answers it’s not even funny so I will just make a little list for ya!

  • Pants
  • Teeth
  • Panties
  • Bra
  • Shoe (not 2 mind you…just the one)
  • Fake boob (not even kidding)
  • A tooth (not so much left but a testament not to mess with your bartender)
  • A bad wig with 3 fake nails in it (word to the wise…NEVER get in the middle of 2 tranny’s fighting)
  • And lastly…more biohazardous material then any human who has never worked in a hospital should EVER encounter.
So that’s it folks…please please please sign up for the blog at the end of this very long page if you have not done so already. Donate to Pedaling for Pennies. Kiss someone. No really, do it. Make your friends sign up whether they want to or not. No really, do it. And finally, thanks for just being the bomb-ass peeps that you are!