Submit Your Shit

We at Bar Trash are always looking for contributors. Did a douche show up at your establishment? Did you have a particularly harrowing shift? Or did something totally, utterly unbelievable happen while you were out partying? Tell us about it by commenting below. We’ll add your submission to our feed (with full credit, of course) and make your ass famous all over the Internet.

Comments
  1. Pretty says:

    “Seriously you just puked on my bar!!”

    Okay, so outta the 10 years I’ve served and bartended I have seen a few pukers. Never fun but I guess it comes with the territory… Most of the time the drunkard can make it to a safe zone. Best possible safe zone would be the bathroom, and I’m saying right in the toliet not on the floor next to the toilet! Going down the line to even a garbage can, outside, even seen right back in there cup… yup, I”ve seen it… But only once have I ever seen right on the FUCKING BAR!!!!

    Okay douche bag!! At this point my advice to you is to apolize to everyone around you buy them all drinks or at least the cute little thing who cleaned up the vomit who was sitting next to your sorry ASS!! And still calls herself your friend… Throw down a huge tip for the trouble and remove yourself!! Because you know at some point in time you will wanna come back to this establishment and enjoy another adult beverage, at least this way it might be exceptable!! But instead you continue to make a bigger ass outtta yourself, I know you can barely sink even lower but yet you do…

    The following are things not to do:

    Do not move to a different spot and act like you don’t know what I am talking about!! The vomit was right next to the cocktail that was just poured for you a few minutes before, and not to mention you were seen by a beautiful co-worker spuing the vomit!!

    And do not tell me in between your puke hiccups your fine and won’t be puking again this evening!! And say to me it’s not a big deal and that stuff happens all the time. Because NO it doesn’t!!

    Do not argue with me about why I will not serve you any longer!! “Seriously you just puked on my bar”!!!!

    To sum it up people, I don’t excpect you to be perfect bar patrons. But I do expect you to be respectful and able to control yourselfs!! If you can not control yourself GO THE FUCK HOME!! And if you can not be respectful DON”T COME AT ALL!!

    • Vodka Toxic says:

      Great post, Pretty! Your words of wisdom have made it onto the main page. I’ve seen a guy puke at the bar. (Actually it was a friend of mine.) But even in his drunken oblivion, he threw up on the floor next to the bar. Not much classier, but hey.

      Unfreakinbelievable how this guy pretended like it wasn’t his puke! I mean, really?????

      Love ya!

  2. B says:

    I have realized how much I miss the bartending life and the people that make it all happen (been out for 2 years now). Every bar is the same but there was always 3 things that made me love my job:

    #1 – walking out at 2am with $350+ CASH in my pocket
    #2 – seeing your favorite customers come in to help make your shift go by faster (yeah – that’s you divebardiva!)
    #3 – finding a $100 bill under the chair that some asshole sat in all night – PRICELESS!

    • divebardiva says:

      Ah B,

      How I miss the days of stumbling home with The Hippie after happy hour turned into happy hours sitting at your bar. Life in the Syrup Pond will never be the same and it saddens me. You truly are one of the best bartenders I know 🙂

  3. BigWillyWhiskySlinger says:

    Just a test run to make sure this works…rant to follow!!!

  4. BigWillyWhiskySlinger says:

    If you want to know where I am going…then you gotsta know where I am coming from. I am 40yrs. old and a 25yr. veteran of the “Food Service Industry”. I have been pouring drinks for over 22yrs….that’s right I got my first gig at 18. I was still in high school and was working at the Red Lobster in Brooklyn Center (it is no more) but it was across the street from the school. Let me just tell you if you can work a Friday night at a Red Lobster circa. 1989 during Lent then you can work ANYWHERE!!! We are talking 2-3 hour wait list (yes…people ACTUALLY waited that long for a table at Red Lob…can you believe it???). And we are not just talking beer, wine & booze…we are talking the Lighthouse, ShrimpWreck Mary, RumRunner, and every possible FROZEN concoction you can think of.
    This is just my first of MANY posts to come…BigWillyWhiskySlinger.

    • divebardiva says:

      BigWilly, add “I am out of fancy glassware” you have just described my worst reoccurring nightmare. Thanks for the post and we look forward to any other “Shit” ya wanna submit!

  5. 5 dog fabulous says:

    Dear Douche of today, Here are some helpful hints to you for better social graces….AKA manners you douche bag!
    1. Be on time, you were 10 minutes late to meet your guest, and yet you were in a hurry to order and eat.
    2. If you are late, don’t be on your phone for another 10 minutes.
    3. If you are on your phone, and I am standing there waiting to take your order, don’t act as though I am being rude. YOUR ON YOUR FUCKING PHONE IN A RESTAURANT.
    4. If you are on your phone, and now you have finally gotten off your phone, please do not start waving at me from across the bar, as if I had been completely ignoring you the entire time.
    5. Don’t be rude to your lunch guest and take 3 more phone calls while you are here.
    6. Don’t ask the bus boy for your check, he is not your waitress and you know it!
    7. You were in such a hurry to get your check, why did you sit for 15 minutes after you paid it???? Why because you are the Douche of Today! Get some manners DOUCHE! and please, please, please get off your phone!

  6. Who the fuck leaves without their teeth??

    I really do have a great job, descent money, a great schedule. My shifts start at 5 o’clock, that’s p.m. Which usually leaves enough time in a day to sleep off a hang-over, if I need to. Which after a night with Dive Bar Diva, drinking like it’s our job, can be oh so useful. However, 5 o’clock is smack dab in the middle of happy hour. Happy hour can be hectic and a little annoying…. But that’s a different story.

    On this particular evening I get there and the bar is hopping! There are 2 creatures sitting at the bar, 2 very unattractive creatures…. They were immediately happy to see me, checking me out, making lude comments…I cannot really blame them because I’m pretty hot… But quickly things turn ugly and they carry it over to creepy!!

    There are a few things that are getting me through this. One, I know these fucking creepers won’t be here long (they’re fucking losers and have no money). Two, it’s happy hour and I’m going to be happy!! And 3, like I said happy hour can be hectic so I’m keeping busy.

    I notice creeper 1 has laid his head down on the bar. I go over to him and tap my hand on the bar in front of his head and say, hey creeper, this isn’t the Super 8 or your mama‘s basement there’s no sleeping here!! I get no response… fucking amateur… So I go looking for creeper 2, hoping that he’ll be able to help. I find him on the other end of the bar scaring other customers. I tell him something is wrong with your friend, you gotta get him outta here.

    In the mean time, my bartending partner for the evening arrives. Jay Love. I absolutely adore Jay Love for many reasons, one of them is his perfect timing on this particular evening…. He takes care of certain things I can not.

    Then all of sudden creeper 1 pukes all over the floor next to bar. Creeper 2 is standing there unsure of what to do. It’s 6 o’clock, there are familys eating dinner at the tables right behind him, fucking amateurs!! I tell both of them, it’s time for you to go!! They both stumble out of the bar!!

    Love tells me don’t worry I’ll handle it… now you see a glimmer of how awesome he is. A few minutes later Jay Love comes up to me laughing his ass off holding a paper towel with a pair of dentures in it!! Through his laughter he says to me, I found that guys dentures in the puke!!

    So in this guys drunken stuper he pukes all over the floor of the bar and his teeth fall out!! And he leaves! Without his teeth!

  7. O' Jaded One says:

    Dear Lady at table 24… It is not my fault that you look like Ursala from The Little Mermaid and it is not my fault that the ‘blush wine’ you ordered is not on our Happy Hour menu. It is also not my fault that you are stupid… So, do NOT scream at me in the middle of the dining room because YOU can’t read. If the $4 is really that important to you, perhaps you and your ASS should not have ordered the Tiramisu AND the Lava cake… Bitch.

    Dear DoucheNozzle at table 46… It is not my co-workers fault that you have a small dick. She is an EXCELLENT server and was much more patient than I ever would have been with your snarky comments. How dare you treat anyone that way… and please tell your friend that I apologize that I do not have teleportation powers and had to walk to get more toilet paper for the bathroom but that does not give him the right to scoff at me, go back to the table and get his linen napkin to use to wipe his ass. If you want to act like this in public, go to White Castle. Just so you know, we made a Voo-Doo model of your vehicle and smashed it into the side of a brick wall. Karma is a bitch.

  8. Server X says:

    So I was working this fine Thursday evening, and go figure it was a crappy day and slow all night. So I think to myself “How fantastic, I have had a great evening with some regulars, I am in a good mood, and it seems to be an easy night douche free night…” Oh was I wrong.

    So about a half hour to closing all my peeps leave and it is me, my biotch (My pet name for my Fiancee), and two semi-regulars, who just happen to be my neighbors. In comes a guy and a sweet looking little old lady, who was the guys mother. Now the old lady starts off nice, she tells the son “it looks like they are closing soon and their sign says that they close in a half hour.” I walk over and respond to that “That is ok dear, I can still grab you a drink if you would like?” Guys says “I want a McGolden Light and she’ll have a Captain Coke, oh and mom they close when I say its ok to close.” His first, but not last mistake.

    I grab the beverages, set them in front of the two and tell them the total. This is when the old lady starts going down hill . She pulls out her wallet, doesnt want to break a 10 dollar bill so pulls out her change purse, and fails to tip. Right at close they order another round, in which I am doing all my closing duties so ok, drink while I clean I really don’t mind. Old lady turns to me and says “well apperently I have to pay for this over priced crap.” Anyone in their right mind knows that a bartender does not make up the prices, we are low on the totem pole and just make the drinks.

    At this point the son turns to me and asks me to open “why don’t you have pull tabs open” I reply “well we had our pull tab booth open earlier and I have not had anybody that has wanted to play all night, but if you would like I will open them for you.” Keep in mind, still after close. Son says “ok, fine I guess. You don’t want to open them for me.” I replies “I really don’t mind if you would like to play them.” This is immeadiatly followed by him and his mother complaining that our kitched is closed and the mom complaining that: we have horrible hours, we should sell groceries, we have no senior fishing docks (?), apparently our Captain Morgan is fake (again?), etc. etc.

    Ten minutes later I ask my semi-regulars if they would like another drink they say “no thank you, we have to work in the morning.” Seeing as I am paying for my biotch’s drinks, I think I have rights to say when I am done serving him. So I turn two the other two people in the entire bar, the mother and son, and ask them if they would like anything else I am doing last call. The son says “what it’s only a half hour past close and you fucking taking last call, why are you fucking doing that.” I politely say “well I am only scheduled to keep the bar open till this time, and keeping it open right now is just not worth it to the owner.” He says “I would keep it open even if their is just one person at the bar. It looks like I am going to talk to the owner tomarrow and see what he thinks and tell him about you doing this. But yeah I will take another round.” He then proceeds to yell at the three other people in the bar that I have already talked to, and tell them how outraged he is that I am doing last call and that we better order more drinks because the bitchy bartender is cutting everyone off. Now nowhere did I say I was cutting anyone off, and I don’t think he realized he was talking to my neighbors and my Fiancee.

    So he finishes his last drink and I hand HIM the tab, he throws money on the counter and says “I even tipped you even though you cut me off early. You know you must be new around here because I am here often and I know A LOT of people around here, and you better get used to me. Now I don’t want to be mean and I think you are a nice bartender, but I am going to make a trip in tomorrow just to talk to your boss about this.” I just smile and think to myself “Right…. new huh, pretty sure I have worked here for 6 years and am a senior staff member. Also in those 6 fucking years I can recall seeing you a whole 3 times, and I am damn good with faces.” After that thought I reply to him “Go for it, tell my boss all about this.”

    To top off the cherry on the douche baggery sunday, after he leaves and I am counting the money for the tab I realize “yup, that ass shorted me, fantastic.”

  9. barfly says:

    Things you never knew you needed.
    Wood Bottle Openers. Handmade in East Ballard U.S.A.

    http://www.jackdawsart.com

  10. Vino911 says:

    The Lyin’, the Bitch, and the Bathroom

    There are times when sitting on the other side of the bar instead of slinging drinks behind it provides more entertainment than you planned for. This is the story of one of those nights.
    Early one morning my BFF called, whom we will refer to as B, and told me she needed to go out. What you must understand is that B, having partied a wee bit too much in college, had laid off the alcohol for over a year. At this point her tolerance was about two beers and that’s being optimistic. We made plans to go out that night. She planned to drink, I planned to babysit.
    The bar we chose was a favorite for many reasons. It’s local, it’s cheap and the term “dive bar” doesn’t even begin to describe it. This is a bar where even the cockroaches are ashamed to frequent but if you’re having one of those days and you just don’t have the heart to climb out of bed but you really need a beer, you can go here in your pajamas and they won’t judge. In fact, I bet they wouldn’t even notice. But I digress…..
    The bar was located in a basement, only accessible from a dark alley and it had a ramp to get to the door. Not the smartest move, especially in a Minnesota winter. This night, on our way to the door we had to step over not one, but two drunks who tried to fight the ice on the ramp and lost, thus taking a quick nap before fighting the good fight again. B says, as she steps over the snoring bodies, “This place seems exciting.”
    We get inside, take a seat at the bar and she orders a beer. I look around, as we girls tend to do, to seek out our entertainment for the evening. Seems it’s my lucky night, a large man with an uncanny resemblance to Mr. T is already sliding down the stools to take a place at my side. “Can I buy you a drink?” he asks. “Absolutely!” I reply. He flips out a couple cardboard chips from his pocket and with a big smile he waves the bartender over. “Get the lady what ever she would like” he says, “I’m buying” Clearly my choices are limited being that his method of payment is free beer chips probably won earlier that night at a hot dog eating contest or something similar but a free drink is a free drink and I’m not picky.
    The door to the bar opens and in walks Mr. Cool. This is a guy that every warm blooded girl had a crush on in high school, the good looking jock. Mr. Cool unfortunately is also the guy who, 5 years later, is still standing on the basketball court at the public park every afternoon with a shit-eating grin because everyone has neglected to tell him that high school is over and he should probably get a job. He immediately walks over to us. I turn around and look him in the eye. “Not happening, I got over it in the 8th grade.” Mr. Cool with some glossy eyes and a wobbling nod says “I appreciate your honesty.” I checked on B who was on her second beer by now and then brought my attention back to Mr. T. “So, what do you do?” he asks. “Doctor” I say. “What kind?” “Surgeon” “Wow, do you do anything special?” he asks leaning forward, very interested. “Brain stuff”. “Oh my god, that’s awesome” he says, “You’re a brain surgeon?” “Yep” “You have fake nails, isn’t that a problem in your line of work?’ “Oh no, they are required. Helps when I really need to dig in there and get the job done.” He leans over and takes my hand, “To think of all the lives you’ve saved with these hands.” I put my head down and nod. I’m trying so hard not to laugh but a little sniffle/snort escapes me, unfortunately Mr. T thinks I have suddenly become emotional over his life saving statement. He pats my back and yells at the bartender while flipping another chip on the bar “Get her another beer! Can’t you see she’s suffering?’
    While sipping my second and then third beer, still trying to discover the depths of Mr. T’s stupidity I feel a tap on my shoulder, it’s B. “He asked me out.” “Who?” I ask, but I already knew the answer. “Mr. Cool?” “Yes, he wants me to go into the bathroom with him.” “uh…on a date?” “I guess so.” I look in front of her and not only is she on her third beer, there are some empty shot glasses still waiting to be cleared. I blame those tiny empty glasses for her inability to realize urinals are an unacceptable third wheel for a first date. “Tell him no” I say, she nods and turns back around to break the news. Feeling a bit tipsy myself I lean around her and give him the “I’m watching you” hand gesture. He looked confused and I poked myself in the eye so it obviously wasn’t a win-win situation however I still considered it fair warning. I resumed my conversation with Mr. T answering all the questions he had using what I had learned from watching ER and basically just making shit up. I get another tap on my shoulder; its B again this time with all her hair combed forward covering her face. She tells me, in a trembling voice “I can’t see. I’ve lost my vision.” “Are you serious?” I ask. She nods, obviously starting to panic. “Help me!” I brushed her hair back away from her face. “Uh…Is that better?’ “Yes, thank you!” I got a high five from Mr. T, “Way to go Doc!” I leaned around B, held up two fingers and looked at Mr. Cool “That, my friend, is strike 2.”
    I told B that I was going to order one more for each of us and then it was time to head out. I needed just a few more minutes to come up with a plan for us to leave without our new friends. I waved Mr. Cool over “Listen, B changed her mind about the bathroom thing. She’s all over it. The thing is, can I come too? It sounds awesome.” I could barely get the whole sentence out without vomiting but I did it. He enthusiastically agreed that we could meet in the bathroom. I instructed him to go in first and count to ten. Having never actually seen this work in real life I was a bit skeptical but he was walking toward the bathroom, no doubt getting his popsicle sticks and masking tape ready to help with the “whisky” problem I was sure he was afflicted with. I called our ride, grabbed B and headed for the door. When we got there the icy ramp loomed large before us. “I don’t think I can do it” B said. “Yes we can!” I told her. We scaled that ramp like it was Mt Everest and did a victory dance at the very top.
    Once again, good friends, flat beer and stupid people made our night one to be remembered.

  11. Pretty says:

    It was a Wednesday evening at the best bar in clown town, unfortunately it no longer has a closing time or an open time for that matter…. But which at I served for and got my first bartending gig at. Also the very bar I met a ton of friends (Dive Bar Diva is one of them) and my amazing husband. This particular evening I ended my shift around 10pm. This guy I was seeing for all of a month and a half was there with a few of his friends. At this point were not even calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend and it’s amazing we even got there after what happened this night.

    So of course I sit down and have a few drinks with these cats. At midnight it turned into my birthday! My 22nd birthday, hadn’t planned any crazy antics just thought I’d have a few drinks. Was I ever wrong…. We were chatting and having a few beers, and most likely a couple shots. At this point in my life I had done alittle drinking and a few other things, I would say I could handle my alcohal. Wouldn’t call myself a professional yet 😉

    My future boyfriends friend ordered some birthday shots. The not so nice birthday shots. He has quite a few nicknames unsure of why or how he got these but for this little story i’ll call him Brother D. Not everyone gets along with him but over the years Brother D and I have became good friends and he’s usually a nice guy. But like most guys can be a DICK!!

    So the shots come, a 3 wiseman. Jim Beam, Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels. Some times the bartender will put them all in one lowball, which is the nice way to do it. It then equals up to alittle over a shot. This night the bartender, i’ll call her T for short made it in 3 seperate shots!!! Painful! So me hanging with the guys doesn’t want to be a pussy, and I will say on more then one occasion I got bigger balls then most men! Take them like a champ!

    Not long later it wasn’t sitting so well in my little tummy and I mad a dash for the ladies room. Brother D was on to what was gonna happen and he holds me outside the ladies room and says to me no no your not puking that up!! ASS! Pretty sure if I would of took care of business things wouldn’t of gotten so bad… This is the last thing I remember. The rest of the story is other peoples versions of what happened….

    Shortly later I was unable to hold the puke back and ended up in the bar bathroom puking my guts out!! Give me props for making it to the bathroom and mostly in the toliet!! I guess I puked alittle on my shirt so the famous Brother D gives me his wife beater. So there’s little me in too big wifebeater with a black bra and my work pants! Thank god it’s closing time, I go say goodbye to T and in the process of waving like a fool I fall over like a domino unable to get up! So my fbf comes over picks me up and throws me over his shoulder and carries me to his truck. While putting me in the truck my head hits the top of the door. But i’m in, I quickly pass out on his lap. I should mention he just got the truck 2 weeks earlier!

    My future man and his friend Brother D decide to take the backroads home, probley a good idea. Then they decide to do alittle offroad driving, probley not a good idea! While doing shitty’s in a field my fbf feels something wet on his lap he looks down and i’m passed out puking all over him and his new truck!! (in my defense it was probley the driving that got me sick, right) He stops and pulls me out and holds me up while I continue to puke. Then his stand up friend Brother D says leave her here, what a guy! But my fbf says he can’t just leave me out there! 🙂 We finally make it back to his place and he gets me inside.

    In the morning the phone is ringing and my FBF asks were’s the phone? Not quite yet awake I repley it’s by the bar. He laughs and says baby were not at the bar! I wake up with a pounding headache and he fills in my blanks from the night before. I’m feeling like a total ass and he’s being absolutely wonderful about everything! He soon turned into my boyfriend and then my husband and father of my two beautiful boys!! And i’m still amazed by how wonderful he is!

  12. Server X says:

    Okay, so I know I am fairly new to the bar show and I am slightly naive about things, but one thing that I just cannot shake lately is how people treat servers. When did they become a peice of meat? How are any of these secarios considered appropriate in the slightest?

    -I was working in our fabulous bar one friday evening with one of my favorite waitresses, for arguments sake we will call her Kim. So Kim and I are having a grand ol’ time at work, the evening is going ridiculously smooth, we have a great crowd, and we are making money. How can things go wrong? Well I will tell ya, all you need to do is through one douche in there and it messes up everything. About half way though the evening I look over at Kim and see that she is clearly uncomfortable, so I ask “what’s going on?” She replies “There is this guy that WILL NOT leave me alone.” And for sweet sweet Kim to raise her voice is definatly an alarm. But any whoo, she points him out and I tell her that I will keep an eye on him and let him know he needs to behave. Next I see is her delivering drinks to the guys table and he is doing an ass grab avalanch as well as grabbing her chest repeatedly. So I walk over and not so kindly let the ass clown know that he needs to leave Kim alone. His response to this was “I didn’t do anything wrong” follwed by him turning to kim and yelling at her that she “tattle taled on him.” So I look at A.C. and reply “No, she said nothing to me it was your not so sutble sexual assault that drew me over here. So keep you fucking hands off my waitress or get the fuck out.” Needless to say he didn’t take kindly to this and proceeded to through a fit which lead to him getting cut off and booted out.

    -So I work with some babes barely 18 that are extreamly shy and new to the business. I was working with adorable jail bait C. Now C comes up to me as though she did something wrong and my initial reaction was “Shit I don’t want to see her fired she has such potenial.” It turns out the night before one of our regulars, who I personally think is an oxygen theif, got a whole handful of of C, and in the words of DiveBarDiva “It would have made her gynocologist jealous.” C felt bad and didn’t think it was appropriate to file a complaint with our boss because she didn’t know if she had to except that sort of behavior as a waitress, and this is why she came to me. I tell her that “Under no circumstance is sexual assault okay, this will be delt with, and next time DO NOT be afraid to tell your bartender, they will always have your back.” So what do you know, 15 minutes later that regular strolls in like clock work. It was quite difficult for me to maintain me calm, but I did amazingly. I walk up to him and calmy say “T If you cannot keep your hands to yourself then we just don’t need your business.” He replies “What are you talking about?” I say “Well you grabed C’s ass last night and it made her feel very uncomfortable, and I just can’t stand for that.” He proceeds to laugh histarically and say “oh yeah, okay whatever.”

    -Finally I am working in our fantastic Tiki bar and I have a group of 12 guys from a bachelor party, all having fun and not being douches at all. Another younger guy comes out and first of all askes me to turn up the radio, which involves me climbing up on a chair for all to get a great view of my butt. Which immeadiatly after I turn up the radio he says like a 13 year boy “I just wanted to see your butt.” Impressive really. So a couple of minuted later this same young guy realizes that there is a bachelor party and wants to buy drinks for the whole party and put it on his credit card. Now this is the Tiki bars one and only down fall, it doesn’t have a credit card terminal. So I tell him “I am sorry dear I cannot except cards out here, it’s a cash only bar. His response was ” Then you’ll just have to fucking strip for our drink money.” I immeadiatly resond with “Sweets first of all this (pointing to myself ) is neither a whore or a stripper, and second of all remember who has the power to cut you off adn kick your ass out.” Trying to dissolve the tension one of the sober bachelor party members turns to the young guy and says very calm adn kindly “Dude she is a lady you have to treat her with some respect, now I know you are younger but…” and before the nice sober guy could get another word out the young guy blurts out “You calling me a fucking youngin, you call me a youngin one more time and I am gonna kick your ass. Shorty fucking shorty.” Followed by a push and a hit from youngin. This ends up in a 7 man brawl which I disperse quickly. And one can only guess what happened next…That’s right he got cut off and kicked out.

    Now I know I say sexual assault alot, but that is exaclty what it is. I, or anyone at that matter, does’t want to be groped while they are doing their job. Waitress and Bartenders are just like everyone else in every other profession, they are trying to pay their bills. The main difference is that they are dealing with drunks whose common sense goes out the window when they have had one too many Chuck Norris’s. You don’t walk up to someone on the street and grab their ass, because that leads to an arrest, so why do people do that to servers? I can garuntee that 95% of the time if you think that a sever is flirting with you, they are not. They are being nice because it is their job. So just a note for all you Douches out there that think it is out to sexual assault whom ever you please, I will find you and beat you down.

  13. O' Jaded One says:

    Chantilly Lace and Separate Checks…

    Dear 70th Birthday Lunch Ladies: All of you have ordered a decaf coffee and a pasta for lunch, is it REALLY necessary for you to have split checks? To save you 22 cents, I have depleted the Rain Forest of 171 trees and sacrificed enough of my own sanity to fuel the Village Idiot for a solid six months.

    P.S. Please lay off the perfume bottle… the dining room smelled like ‘Old Ladies” for 4 hours after you left and I now have a migraine.

    Dear Bridge-Playing Lunch People: Bridge? Really? Are you 240 years old? Who the hell still plays Bridge?! Anyhoo, when your server is CLEARLY getting her ass kicked, it is NOT necessary to make snarky comments. I do not have enough edit function to stop myself from saying one back to you and you are lucky I didn’t just rip your face off for being an ass. If you are going to clear off your entire table (including the tablecloths) and move them around, then please do not ask for separate checks. I do not remember what you look like or where you were sitting or that you have a bird named “Birdie”. I don’t give a fuck so either stay seated in your original seat or I will give you ONE check and YOU can figure it out. Fine by me.

    Now for the GRAND PRIZE WINNERS of our Lunch From Hell….

    Dear “Church Group”:
    For a ‘church group’, you were the LEAST Christian people I have EVER encountered. Even Satan would have been appalled with your behavior. We kissed your asses, accommodated every fucking request you had and you ‘thank’ us by shorting my lovely Bam Bam over $70… and that comes out of HER OWN POCKET. I hope that Jesus saw it happen because he is going to take the cross that he died for YOUR sins on and shove it up YOUR asses. Enjoy the splinters, Douchefucks.

    Moral of the story: Veteran dinner servers should not make lunch shift guest-appearances; it just reminds us earlier in the day of how much we loathe the general public and all of their ‘separate check needs’. HISS!

    • divebardiva says:

      Oh my…damn you are funny…our editor fantasmo will post to the main page this afternoon! I love you to pieces and can’t wait to see you again sometime in the very near future.

  14. 5 dog fabulous says:

    My Apologies, Captain Awesome

    Dear Captain Awesome,

    The reason for this letter is to tell you of the horrible “Mistake-a-Douche” fop-au I made on 80’s night and to apologize profusely for the mistaken identity.
    First off let’s review why you are Captain Awesome, it was Super Heros and Villains night and you came in with no costume. Dive Bar Diva was displeased with this and sent your ass home to get a costume. You returned with a tube sock mask, a pillow case cape, and the words Captain Awesome written on your shirt. Bravo friend, Bravo. As “Awesome” as you were that was not the best part of the night, I forgot to give you the 2 for 1 deal on shots and you were so sweet and nice about the mistake. You knew it was my second shift and you said with that beautiful smile of yours “No worries sweetheart, we all make mistakes.” I fixed your tab and bought you a drink. Thanks for being the opposite of a douche…….. which is you guessed it “Awesome”.
    Now on to my horrible mistaken identity fop-au. 80’s night was in full swing and I was slinging drinks with all my might. I saw a blonde guy walk up to the bar and I thought it was you. I lit up and grabbed both his hands and said

    5 dog fabulous

    “Oh my gosh Captain Awesome it is so great to see you friend.”

    Mistake-a-Douche

    “What the Fuck are you talking about.”

    5DF

    “Super heros and villains night? Your tube sock mask and pillow case cape?”

    Mistake-a-Douche

    “I don’t know what the fuck you are talking about lady, can I just get a fucking drink?”

    Dive Bar Diva

    “Hey 5DF, trust me thats NOT Captain Awesome.”

    5DF

    “Ok man, never mind, what can I get you to drink?”

    He proceeds to order by saying gimmie and leaves me exact change, you guessed it we are now entering serious douchedome. That was not the end of it, he continued to be rude and extremely drunk all night. So drunk at the end of the night (245) he left his wallet and credit card sitting on top of the bar with a note under it. The note read “No one here likes you.” Seriously dude are you a 12 year old girl??? There should have been boxes marked Yes No or Maybe on it as well.
    That was the last straw for me and I proceeded to track his ass down. We had cleared out the bar so I made my way through the sea of people on the patio “Not him, Not him, Not him……..the sober bus!!!!” I bee lined for the sober bus sure enough there he was. I have not cussed anyone out that bad in years. It was so bad people were cheering me on. I gave him back his wallet and read him the riot act for the note he left me (which he copped to). He looked at me and said “Fuck You” at that moment the driver said “Dude get the fuck off the bus, your walking home.” SWEET!! There is justice in this world. The only injustice in this story is that I mistook this Douche for you Captain Awesome and for that I can only offer you my deepest apology and hope you can forgive my horrible error once again.

    With Warmest Reguards,

    5 Dog Fabulous

  15. Server X says:

    When Douche runs in the family: Part Duex.

    So every year our fantasitc bar has a golf tournement. Now this typically starts in the morning goes till noonish and is proceeded by dinner on the bar and many a drinks. Now the turn out was not so great due to the not so lovely weather that we had that Saturday morning. But you guessed it, the Douche bag from “when douche runs in the family: part one” decided to try his luck in the game of golf. BUT this time instead of his gem of a mother he brought his bouncing baby boy. Now son is similar to pops in many ways: they have similar physical appearences, right down to the douchie arm tattoos (and that is saying alot because I’m a sucker for tattoos), they lack common sense, they are cheap, and they both think their shit doesn’t stink.

    But anywhoo, to start this tale I will start with pops. This year we had BBQ ribs, fried chicken, corn, potatoes, and that whole bit for our golfers. Now dinner started at 2pm, which this is typical for the golf tournement. Since the golfing ends at noon, this gives a little bit of room for the paticipants to get back to the bar and tally up their score cards before the festivities begin. This however was not soon enough for pops. He had arrived at the bar at 1:40 pm and proceeded to through a hissy fit over the buffet not being set up yet. So he waited 20 minutes and was indeed not first or second in but one of the lasts because he forgot he was hungry. So while in line, our lead cook was checking up on the status of the food and pops asks: What kind of ribs are these, pork or beef? Cook replies: I do believe they are pork. Pops: Well how sure are you that they are pork? Cook: Sorry, I am 100% sure they are pork. This was followed by a puase and the cook making a funny comment to himself about a traveling bar that rolled into our parking lot. Pops then says: I don’t give a flying fuck about that is it fucking pork or beef. Cook just says: Pork, and walks away.

    Now after this pops was more so just creepy than anything else. He proceeded to walk past my tiki bar several times doing the guy nod everytime.

    So now onto the pride of the family, the son. I am sitting in my tiki bar already having a difficult time with the crowd. I had the cheap 21 year olds in my bar and the MASTER complainer whom tries to get everything for free. I like to think there is one of those at every bar, it helps me keep my sanity thinking I am not the only one having to deal with someone like that. In walks the son. First of all he comes in with a gift certificate and buys some drinks for his golf partners. Unfortuneatly our tiki bar is still old school, with a really old till where we have to scratch off the total of the gift certificate and give them one with the remaining balance. Meaning I cannot take a tip out of the gift certificate. So I get stiffed on a 30 dollar tab. He comes and goes out of my bar several times purchasing a single beer each time making me repeat the lengthly process of scratching and rewriting totals. When I ask him if he wants to start a tab to make both our lives easier he he declines and gives an answer that confuses me “I am going to be here a while”. Wouldn’t a tab then be easier?

    So after the tab discussion, he spots his friend across the bar and starts shouting racial slurs. I personally find that offensive, and apparently most of my consomers did too since they all left. So I tell him he needs to keep it down and remind him its dinner hour adn there are still families sitting around. He then grabs my hand says sorry followed by a quick “EWWW, why are your hands so callased.” Me: ” You realize I open beer bottles for a living right?”

    After that I kept my distance from the son, for I hate being touched by strangers. But he calls me over, I assume to apologize but this is an incorrect assumption. He just wants to poke the tattoo on my neck and scream “power up!” in my ear follwed by the super mario song. After this anyone could have guessed what my tattoo is. Also he poked so hard my neck swelled up and turned red.

    At this point I am not hiding my dislike for his at all. He manages to dig himself even more in the whole though. He hits on me. And not smoothly at all. In fact it went a little like this: “Your pretty hot, you should come to my house and serve me beer. naked. I want to rub my face in your boooobies.” Followed by several lude gestures. After a few words he gets the point that he should leave promptly. He proceeds to go into our other bar and get into a fight becuase he is dancing with another mans wife. So the lovely DivebarDiva had to break up a fight in the early parts of her shift. This also lead to the cops getting called and all that jazz.

    So overall that night between pops and sonny boy they managed to :
    -not tip a single dime
    -complain about FREE food
    -Verbally harass more than one staff member
    -insult me
    -empty out my bar by offending all my customers
    -minorly assult me
    -Not so flatteringly hit on me/ creep me out
    -Start a fight
    -Oh and you also made the sober bus driver go in circles looking for your house, which was out of his driving radius, and didn’t tip him either.

    For the sake of the rest of the town, I really hope their is some accident causing the son to go infertile so the line of douches ends with him. Moral of this story: The apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree.

  16. Kelly K says:

    How to fire a customer

    Traditionally we all brainwashed to believe that the customer is ALWAYS right or should always get their way. This is crap and you know it, when was the last time you were the customer that got to be right????
    So I have taken the time to start a new program called “the customer can be fired”. Last week while working in clown town I had a table of 3 guys. Two were super nice and one was a douche. The douche ordered a pizza and then “misplaced” his money, after the pizza arrived. I handed him his bill and he crumpled it up and said

    Douche “I have no money, I can’t pay you.”

    Me “What happened to the 10 dollars you were just waving at me to get the pizza?”

    Douche “I don’t know, but I have no money to pay.”

    Me “Seriously dude I am slammed right now I don’t have time to joke around. Give me the money.”

    Douche ” I lost my wallet.”

    Me (as I reach to grab his wallet that is right in front of him) “You mean this wallet.”

    Douche “Nope, I don’t have any money.”

    Me “Your an asshole, now give me the damn money for your pizza or I will take it back.”

    Douche “Just try it.”

    at this time his friend hands me 10 bucks to pay for the pizza and apologizes for the douches behavior.

    Me “Just so you know, your fired.”

    Douche “What do you mean I am fired?”

    Me “If you need a drink, go to the bar. I will no longer serve you.”

    Douche “I am cut off.”

    Me “Oh no friend, you are not cut off you are fired.”

    At this time I walk away to wait on other peeps, 15 minutes later I stop by because the two guys are low on beverage.

    Me “You guys need a drink?

    Nice guys “Yes we need 2 capt cokes please.”

    Douche “and a Mich golden light bottle.”

    I return with 2 capt cokes only……..

    Douche “WTF I wanted one too!”

    Me “Do you remember the part where you taunted me and claimed you had no money…….and then I fired you? Well I am no longer bringing you drinks. If you need something go to the bar, and you better give her your money in advance or you are not getting served.”

    Douche “seriously, your not going to bring me drinks when you serve them.”

    Me “Seriously Dude, you have been fired, get your own shit.”

    I continued to serve his friends and not him the rest of the night. I did however explain to the friends the rules and principals of Douche adjacent and they were enlightened…….the end

  17. Kelly K says:

    Hey Kim my handle keeps changing back to kelly K. I would like to be somewhat covert???? What is up with my name change. 5df

    • VT says:

      Check under “Settings.” There should be a field that says, “Display my name publicly as:” Make sure it says 5 Dog Fabulous. I was actually having the same problem.

      Hope that helps!!!

  18. Stunt Double says:

    So I wasn’t ever sure I would have anything to submit on my own as I have always been the patron at our lovely dive bar, but as I have started helping our very own Dive Bar Diva on an occasional Sat night – I have my own story the DBD can’t tell, so here it goes:

    It was a lovely St. Patty’s day – lovely enough to where I was able to get the pre-game drink on with some fantastic friends – everyone dressed in green, me in my shirt that said “Don’t make me use me bottle opener to remove yer lucky charms” on the back which proved to be a challenge to a few.

    Now to back up a little, I’m NOT a bartender – but have had the teachings of DBD as time has gone on which is why my Shiny Bitch name has been scratched and the new nickname Stunt Double was created.

    Our lovely dive bar was hopping away and the DBD and I were getting our asses handed to us… This cute little blonde is attempting to get my attention and so I get over to her and realize that she is anything but a cute little thing and from here on out will be referred to as Skankmaggot and here is how the conversation went down:

    SD: Hey baby… what can I get ya?

    Maggot: Um… I’m not sure if you noticed, but there are people here that need drinks!

    (Now mind you – DBD and I are at what we like to call “half-stab” already)

    SD: (after pausing for a second while looking at her like she’s an f’n retard) REALLY? Who would have thought that? And here I thought we were in a bar… what do you need?

    Maggot: I need you to stop drinking yourself and maybe start serving the drinks instead!

    (After staring at her for a few seconds with my head tilted slightly while I am imagining what it would be like to reach across the bar and grab her by the hair and slam her head against the bar multiple times)

    SD: Listen! First of all… I haven’t had anything to drink for 2 hours! (which I realize is the reason for my extreme need to stab someone) Second of all, I’m not a bartender! Our other bartender blew out her knee behind the bar earlier in the night (Poor Server X) so I’m just here to help out the best I can – So you now have 2 choices (as I start slinging beers to some of the regulars that are now standing behind her and watching her glare at each bottle as they pass her head) You can tell me what you want RIGHT NOW or I will walk away from you and you will have to wait till I or DBD make it back to you which will be even longer as I have wasted this time arguing with you instead of helping those said people YOU pointed out that need drinks (and you have PISSED ME OFF), so I will ignore you at least twice!!!

    Maggot: um…. Well…. Um… (stumbling to find the words to match her dumbfounded look) I need 2 Mich Taps and 2 Redheaded Sluts….

    SD: Ok, I don’t know how to make those (I do now though lol) you’re going to have to wait for DBD

    Maggot: (rolling her eyes) Do you know how to at least make a Jag Bomb?

    SD: Yes, that I can do for you!

    So now I give her the beers and turn back to make the shots realizing that I am now at “full-stab” and decide to take the high road and try this “being nice” thing. I bring her back the shots and say “those shots are on me – have a great St. Patrick’s Day!” with the best forced smile I can muster.

    Needless to say… we didn’t see her the rest of the night!

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