Well hello my fine drinkers and doers,
While I know it’s been a while, please save your venomous “What the fuck have you been doing?” for another day and let’s just get right on with the goodness shall we? I feel the need to state for you grammar and punctuation nazi’s out there that my beloved editor Vodka Toxic) is on a much deserved vacation in Spain and the surrounding areas, so this post shall be sans edit and probably rife with run on sentences, as that is the way the hamster rolls. Try not to be too hard on a bitch.
So, since it’s been a while and I may be a tad rusty we are going to use one of our tried and true methods…Dear So and So. Names, as always, will either be substituted with kick ass nicknames or HI-larious shame names that I assure you are much deserved. So, without further ado, here goes nothin.
Dear Wheezy Geezer,
In an already exhausting day, you sir, take the exhausting cake. As you stroll up to the bar on a massively busy Sunday you start calling foul and treachery without preamble.
Wheezy: “The guy that gave me this made sure to tell me not to get ripped off by you people, fifty three dollars is what is on this slip right here and I didn’t get it.”
dbd: Sir, I’m going to need you to start over. What is it that you are trying to do here? What would you like me to do for you?
I know what you’re thinking, that sounds awfully accommodating coming from the divebardiva but I assure you, that is exactly what transpired. I have mellowed in my years away from my crazy workplace for one, and secondly, this guy was an easy hundred and five and although I know CPR, I didn’t want to administer it.
Wheezy: I have this card here for $53 and I only got $50!!!
dbd: Sir, this is all automated. I couldn’t change the amount on your gift card if I wanted to. It was rung in for $50 when it was purchased.
Wheezy: (turning an alarming shade of red) The hell it was, I have the credit card slip right here. You people are trying to rip me off!!!
Now I should mention at this point, a few things that piss me off. One, being called a liar, two, being called a thief, and last but certainly not least, the term “you people”. The old me would have shamed this cranky old bastard in front of god and everybody, or just simply told him if he was going to act like a fucking six year old he could go sit in the corner until he remembered his manners. However, the new me just screamed that to myself in my head and explained things like this.
dbd: Sir, that $3 could have been another purchase made with the credit card. A beer at happy hour or whathaveyou. When people buy gift cards it is uncommon for them to not be in certain denominations, $10, $25, $50 and so forth and again, the cards are electronic, I have no way to change the amount even if I wanted to.
Wheezy: FINE! Tell the girl she can keep the change.
Wow, she can? Really? After she waited on your crabby ass and then dealt with your bad behavior before finally sending you to me, you think she should keep the $1.46 on your $53.54 tab? Well, let me just say that “you people” have been an absolute joy and make sure to come back real soon with your healthy disdain for “us people” who are busy trying to support our families and pay bills.
PS Please get that wheezing checked, I almost forced my inhaler on you.
Dear Clearly Insane Woman,
Sadly, same day as Wheezy, just adding further insult to injury but this chick was upping the game from crabby to crabby with more than a subtle hint of batshit crazy.
CIW: It says no where on this menu what the price of a burger is.
dbd: The prices should be right next to each item.
CIW: Well they are not.
Let me preface by saying since the moment I arrived on this busy Sunday, shit had been hitting the fan. The tap beers were hooked up to the wrong kegs, I kept running out of things, there were a massive amount of people at the bar, and too many people behind it at any given time. While one of these things is manageable all of them combined are a bit problematic for my mental well being and this crazy bitch was just adding to the mix.
dbd: (taking the menu) See here the prices are right here.
CIW: Not for a hamburger.
Her husband, clearly more exhausted by her than even I was piped up and asked for a tap beer. Of course, one of the broken taps. I offered him a substitute tap or his selection in the bottle. Clearly this guy couldn’t give two shits about the no price hamburger and knew that beer would be the answer to any problem that may come up. I gave him his Golden Light bottle and he ordered his food with no questions or query. I did the math on cheeseburger price minus cost of cheese and put in the order happy that I was now done conversing with Crazy. Much to my dismay however, I was not, in fact done.
CIW: He should really get a better price on that beer, you didn’t have what he wanted in the first place and that wasn’t his fault, that’s YOUR fault.
Her husband, again, clearly exhausted with her shenanigans, refused the discount saying it was no big deal and reminding her that it’s very busy in here and sometimes people run out of things. Again, stating something that reminds me in her case, common sense is in fact, not that common.
dbd: (to the husband) I have no problem giving you the tap price, thank you so much for understanding.
And I thought that was the end of it. But no. Of course it wasn’t. She had not been waiting more than 20 minutes for her food (with a packed bar and patio mind you) when she called me over again.
CIW: Excuse me, excuse me, is our food ready, we have been here a long time.
In my head, no lady, you have not, in fact, been here a long time, you haven’t even been here a freaking half hour. Maybe if you had a beer instead of the 17 glasses of water you’ve been ordering, it may kill whatever crawled up your ass and died recently. Or perhaps, have a decent conversation with your seemingly nice and normal husband sitting next to you instead of looking around for things to complain about.
dbd: (making 6 service drinks directly in front of her) I think that bell was your food. It should be up shortly.
CIW: Do you want me to go get it?
dbd: No, I do not. It will be out in one moment.
At this point, even though I saw someone bringing it out, I walked to the other end of the bar…as punching her in the fucking throat is frowned upon.
So that’s it folks. I am loving my new digs and I can’t promise a whole lot of posts because honestly, I am rarely upset or as in the old days, set upon by true insanity, but I do have a few oldie but goodie stories and some travel adventures to dish about over the summer months.
With love and liquor,